China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

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Denial is not only a river in Egypt but also an official policy of the Chinese Communist Party as the police state’s police arrested dozens for trying to warn the captive population about the Mayan Apocalypse Friday. [Be sure to synchronize your chronometers for The End of the World As We Know It with the OFFICIAL POCHO MAYAN DOOMSDAY countdown clock in the right column of this page.]

These brave “counter-revolutionaries” and “enemies of the people” are behind bars because they dared to tell to truth to billions of clueless Chinos.

Mas…China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

Ñewsweek: Jenni Rivera RIP, Disneyland LOL, 12-14-12 :(

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The tragic death of Long Beach homegirl Jenni Rivera and the school massacre in Newtown, MA inspired two editorial cartoons from POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz this week. And then there was the guy who emailed some Photoshop experts asking for helping removing the Mexicans from his snapshot of Disneyland.

These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Jenni Rivera RIP, Disneyland LOL, 12-14-12 🙁

When ‘The Hobbit’ took back Aztlán: A Latino nerd reads Tolkien

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Today the names Smaug and Thorin Oakenshield will enter American pop culture. Dwarves rambling on a reconquista while Gollum plays riddles will reach a new audience because Peter Jackson filmed the nerd classic, The Hobbit — prequel to Lord of the Rings.

Film has more impact than the written word in today’s society and this version will reach a greater number of people than J.R.R. Tolkien’s book ever will. I am overjoyed that this classic will reach a greater number of gente, but I am filled with sadness that a child’s first encounter with The Hobbit will be in a loud theater instead of a quiet library.

Regardless, I look forward seeing my mental images from the book acted out in the big screen. And remembering the hours reading the book, which played a monumental role in my becoming Eres Nerd.

Mas…When ‘The Hobbit’ took back Aztlán: A Latino nerd reads Tolkien

Everything you need to know about ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’

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One of the great things about the Interwebs is that you can literally look up almost anything you want. That’s great right? You’d think with that kind of power there would be no stupid people but that’s just not the case. Instead, we have more stupid people now than any point in history. How do I know this? I’m on Twitter a lot.

So, the other day on Twitter, a friend of mine (we’ll call him Jose) started posting about the classic breakdancing film Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. I hadn’t thought about that film in years and he ended up posting a link to the entire film. For the life of me, I could not stop watching it. For one thing, it’s like a nasty car wreck that you just have to look at and like some sorry rubbernecker, I ended up watching the whole thing.

Mas…Everything you need to know about ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’

From Mexican ‘Santa Claus’ (1959): Lupita’s Devil Dream (video)

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Here’s maybe the most famous scene from K. Gordon Murray’s English dub of the low-budget live-action Mexican classic Santa Claus. In this scene, which has given kids nightmares for years, Lupita’s dreams are interrupted by the Devil. Santa is able to see it (from his cloud in outer space) thanks to the dream-scope, created by Merlin the Magician.

This trailer is for a 2007 MST3K-style parody version:

Mas…From Mexican ‘Santa Claus’ (1959): Lupita’s Devil Dream (video)

Warning! Aliens will put your human baby in the microwave (video)

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Really, you want to do the right thing. Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, if it’s yellow let it mellow.

Enticing noises. Hypnotic lights.

All your life you’ve been thinking about the Mothership and the Space Brothers and ZOMG here they are in your backyard! What do you do? You do the Christian thing and invite them in for cuppa tea, of course. And what the frack do the aliens do? Hint: It involves babies and microwaves. (Based on a true story. Simulated gore may sicken people who are sickened by that kind of stuff.)

Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

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Apocalyptic manifestations are occurring at accelerating rates and spreading all across the country as we approach The End of the World as We Know it on December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES WITH POCHO’S MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.]

Close to our headquarters in Rancho Pocho, CA, municipal officials just installed a Spanish-speaking hottie robot-like being to offer greets to peeps at Long Beach Airport.

Mas…Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

Argentine OVNI investigator warns of spacetime rifts on Route #5

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If you’re planning on driving National Route No. 5 in Argentina’s pampas region — especially between Santa Rosa and Catrilo — be extra careful. There are rifts in the spacetime continuum there, so-called “zonas de pérdida temporal.”  Drivers may be subject to “missing time.”

That’s the warning recently issued by Agentinean Oscar “Quique” Mario, founder of the Centro de Estudios OVNI (CEUFO.)

From the Inexplicata blog:

…People driving along National Route No. 5, specifically the segment between the localities of Lonquimay and Anguil, and who may have sensed time anomalies, should please report it immediately to CEUFO, as we have received reports of three cases at different times and days within the past month.”

Mas…Argentine OVNI investigator warns of spacetime rifts on Route #5

POCHO thanks La Virgen de Guadalupe for helping us break the ñews

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Today is the Feast Day of La Virgen de Guadalupe, the Empress of Latin America, celebrated every December 12.

La Virgen has consistently helped POCHO break the ñews. Here are a few of our favorite stories that included Nuestra Señora:

Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

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Every day brings us closer to the End of the World as We Know It on December 21 (synchronize your chronometers with our MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column.)

All over the Internets, extremely concerned Trekkies are banding together to wear “expendable red” jerseys on The Last Day, so they can “die as Mr. Gene Rodenberry intended.”

And policia stationed near San Luis, AZ found a freshly-plowed field on the American side of the Colorado River scarred by craters and dotted with payloads of Mayan Marijuana apparently shot by cannabis cannoneers using a pneumatic cannon.

Pneumatic cannon? Federales found an empty industrial-sized CO2 canister, presumably propellant, in their hood.

Mas…Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

She replaced Feliz Navidad with ‘Feliz Hanukkah’ (audio)

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When Austin resident Trina Hernandez (photo) found out her family had Jewish roots, it allowed her to ditch the commercial aspects of Christmas she had long disliked and connect to a tradition she found more meaningful for her and her son. From NPR’s Latino USA with Maria Hinojosa.

RELATED:

I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

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Back in October, Florida created a new set of educational policies which permits/expects blacks and Latinos to test lower on standardized tests than whites or Asian students.  Since they’re expected to test lower,  Florida thereby eliminates the  embarassing “achievement gap” and the white education bureaucrats can “stand their ground.”

While we’re at it, why don’t we segregate each classroom per race? We can even have separate bathrooms and drinking fountains per race. Seems legit!

I am actually the product of the Florida school system. This ethnic divide rule reminds me of my first year at the University of Central Florida. Though I had a great high school record and was making straight As, I had to take mandatory seminars teaching me how to do well in school.

Did everyone have to take these courses? Nope. Well, why would a straight-A student have to attend such seminars?

Because I am Latina.

Mas…I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

On Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive, it looks a bit like Christmas (photos)

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Ramiro J. Gomez is a West Hollywood installation artist who makes and places cardboard avatars of immigrant laborers around Southern California’s richer neighborhoods; his mission is to make normally invisible people visible, if just for a short time.

Monday around 4:30 Gomez was busy populating the cardboard labor force on Beverly Hills‘ famed shopping street, Rodeo Drive, where it’s beginning to look a bit like Christmas — Beverly Hills style, that is. Weather? Sunny, with temperatures in the low to mid 60s ℉.

Here’s what he posted on Facebook:

Finished with the cardboard installation spree today. My heart inevitably was racing, especially when I placed the cutouts on busy Rodeo Dr. but that is the most liberating and rewarding aspect of my project, the ability to go in plain sight and creatively make a statement.

Eloisa is the elote seller, Rodrigo is the paletero, and Mayra is the woman with the balloons. Here’s the view from Gomez’ camera:

Mas…On Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive, it looks a bit like Christmas (photos)

Watch: This may be the Internets’ only ninja cat video en Español

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In the world of videos on the Internets, we all see cat videos (or kitteh videos as they are known in some circles.)

Sometimes you see cat ninja videos, but not too often. (It’s very hard to get a cat to pay attention all the way through ninja training.)

And maybe, once in a lifetime, you find a kitteh ninja video en Español. Behold: El Gato Ninja. You’re welcome.

Mexican food tech flies high with the ‘Burrito Bomber’ (video)

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POCHO, your web authority on taco- and burrito-loving geekological innovation, is proud to feature this video showcasing the latest advance in remote burrito delivery logistics, just in time for Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 [SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN RIGHT COLUMN.]

Real, unlike the bogus Taco Copter, outshining the burrito-making robot and the limited Siri-assisted margarita maker, the Burrito Bomber actually flies and drops tasty burritos at your location. ¡Orale!

Mas…Mexican food tech flies high with the ‘Burrito Bomber’ (video)

Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all

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Former California Gübernator and bodybuilding icon Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new autobiography Total Retard paints a scandalous picture of a life dominated by men, sweat, steroids, cigars and the desperate need to womanize and destroy the California economy.

Reading like a review of an action film in which the main character blows up everything in his path, the biography provides a rare glimpse of how a man who spent the first 30 years of his life in bikini briefs and body oil could become governor of the most powerful state in the Union.

“It is important to know which muscle to flex, when to flex it and who to flex it to,” writes the action movie star.

Schwarzeneggar spends a fair amount of time writing about hard lessons he learned from other fame-hungry bodybuilders and how that was the best preparation for success in Hollywood and politics.

He also talks about the opportunities he had as an immigrant to America.

“America is the land of opportunity for immigrants.” writes Schwarzeneggar,” but it helps if you are a rich, white man from Austria.”

Mas…Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all

Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

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When Jan Brewja, governor of the Hate State of Arizona (photo,right), officially announced her absence from the jurisdiction, concerned Americans began a desperate search for LOST GOV, posting flyers on telephone polls and all over the Internets.

Her mysterious disappearance almost overshadowed the shocking revelation of Iowa’s Brian Peterson, who finally had to come to grips with the fact that he watches telenovelas for the boobs, not to learn Spanish like he originally told himself.

And in San Diego, a multimillionaire commissioned a billboard to get himself a new girlfriend for Christmas — a “Christmas Latina.” Our Especial Correspondents uncovered some earlier versions of the billboard, and an intrepid photographer snapped the final version of the message.

Here are the links to the top stories that broke the ñews:

Mas…Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

UPDATED: San Diego multimillionaire’s Pocho Ocho rejected billboards

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Gawker reports:

San Diego real estate mogul Marc Paskin is looking for love in a very unusual place: A highway billboard overlooking the 28th Street exit of the I-5 freeway. “All I Want for Christmas is a Latina Girlfriend,” reads the giant personal ad that includes an AOL email address for interested “Christmas Latinas.”

This wasn’t the first billboard concept Paskin considered. Here are the Pocho Ocho billboards he rejected:

Mas…UPDATED: San Diego multimillionaire’s Pocho Ocho rejected billboards

Gov. Jan Brewer and Arizona’s asinus aspirations aplenty

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Despite the clamoring of dozens of its citizens, officials recently turned back the equus asinus aspirations of a donkey as candidate for a seat in the Ecuadorean National Assembly.

Regrettably, the canny citizens of Guayaquil, Ecuador were denied their electoral ends — to register a donkey aptly named “Mr. Donkey” to run for the national legislature.

But I have a new suggestion for “Mr. Donkey.” Perhaps, “Mr. Donkey” should move to Arizona, “The Meth Lab of Democracy” – but of course, only after all his immigration papers are properly in order.

Here, he may yet thwart the ambitions of Arizona’s current Gov. Jan Brewer (photo, right) who, unconstitutionally speaking, contemplates a possible third term.

The governor is undoubtedly unfulfilled and unsatisfied thus far with her gubernatorial benefactions to the state. There’s more to be done notwithstanding Arizona’s damaged reputation or that along with Nevada, Arizona stands at the pole position of America’s “Dumbest States.”

Mas…Gov. Jan Brewer and Arizona’s asinus aspirations aplenty

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