I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

Back in October, Florida created a new set of educational policies which permits/expects blacks and Latinos to test lower on standardized tests than whites or Asian students.  Since they’re expected to test lower,  Florida thereby eliminates the  embarassing “achievement gap” and the white education bureaucrats can “stand their ground.”

While we’re at it, why don’t we segregate each classroom per race? We can even have separate bathrooms and drinking fountains per race. Seems legit!

I am actually the product of the Florida school system. This ethnic divide rule reminds me of my first year at the University of Central Florida. Though I had a great high school record and was making straight As, I had to take mandatory seminars teaching me how to do well in school.

Did everyone have to take these courses? Nope. Well, why would a straight-A student have to attend such seminars?

Because I am Latina.

Mas…I could have been an astrophysicist, except I’m a Latina

Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know

In the wake of the Benghazi attacks, Sen. John McCain still has “many many” unanswered questions. Even after a private meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Michael Morell, McCain’s thirst for knowledge remains unquenched.

Here are the pocho ocho things he still needs to know:

8. Where is this Ben Ghazi fellow?
7. Who is responsible for this pudding?
6. Why hasn’t Ronald Reagan called me back?

Mas…Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know

Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent

(PNS reporting from PERU) Rosalin Llosa learned the hard way that absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.

On a recent trip to her birthplace of Arequipa, Peru, Rosalin was reunited with her beloved childhood llama, Pepita. Though Rosalin raised the orphaned llama from infancy, the animal remained aloof to her presence.

“I thought she’d get all excited like in those YouTube videos,” Rosalin said, “but look at her just eating grass; she won’t even look up. Why won’t you look at me!? I LOVE YOU!”

Mas…Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent

Black Friday or ‘How I stabbed myself in the eye’

Hey, everybody! Here comes that most horrible days of days: Black Friday, or as I like to call it, stab-myself-in-the-eye-and-roll-under-a-bus day!

Black Friday makes me want to jump off a cliff into a pile of rusty knives. I can’t think of anything worse than waking up at the butt-crack of dawn to go shopping in a crowded mall full of deal-crazed screamy people while the smell of pretzel donuts fills the air and dance beats blast over the sound system.

Seriously, why are they always playing that horrible uplifting dance music? Are they trying to force me to be happy? Shopping is not Happy Time. I don’t want to do the sandbar shimmy while I try on pants, I want to feel awkward and inadequate like God intended.

Mas…Black Friday or ‘How I stabbed myself in the eye’

Exclusive preview of Ann Romney’s Food Blog: The Electric Stove

(PNS reporting from BOSTON) With the election totally over, Ann Romney is free to pursue her true passion: cooking dinner every night for her large family and sharing Romney recipes.

Here’s exclusive preview of the Breakfast Club section of Ann’s upcoming food blog The Electric Stove:

White Toast

This is a very old family recipe dating back generations!

Little known fact: my Great Aunt Jebadisa was a leading pioneer in the Women’s Pre-Sliced White Bread Movement. When I think about the sacrifices she made, slicing each piece individually and toasting each slice by candle fire, I nearly break down and weep.

Mas…Exclusive preview of Ann Romney’s Food Blog: The Electric Stove

Dispatch From A Pocha: Lost in New York City

I put on pants today. It wasn’t nearly as horrible as I remember.

Though it’s only been three days since Hurricane Sandy ransacked the East Coast, it feels like three years.

Manhattan is a different world. The subways are flooded, people are trapped in their neighborhoods, only the Thai place is delivering.

I went to the bodega for some cans of tuna, all they had was anchovies… Never mind, another day of coconut curry…

Mas…Dispatch From A Pocha: Lost in New York City

Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet

Fidel Castro is still alive, you imperialist running dogs, and we’ve got photos to prove it. That was the message from Cuba’s official Communist Party newspaper Granma this week as rumors swirled that the ailing dictator had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated. Granma published this photo of Fidel on his prison island reading his own Mainstream Media.

But wait, there’s more! Here’s a selection of photos published by Cuban entertainment weekly Che Paso:

Mas…Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet

End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, members of the local Hispanic/Latino community aren’t really sure how they can go on being members of the local Hispanic/Latino community.

“Where do I go from here?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo).

“Should I tell people to call me Mary Ellen for the remaining 11 months of the year? It’s not like they ever pronounce it right anyway,” she wrote on her PobrePickle blog.

Mas…End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’

Dear Employees of Pochismo, Inc.:

As most of you know, the company continues to grow in spite of the half-assed crap job you do. However, I can’t really expect you to be good at anything, considering my huevon ex-husband, MR. POCHO, is your boss. A piñata has better leadership skills than him. That is why I am taking the initiative to educate you about the upcoming election.

Currently, your lack of talent poses no threat to your job status. What does pose a threat is another four years of the Obamanation Administration.

Having been awarded a substantial portion of POCHO stock as part of our divorce settlement, I have a great interest in your financial well-being. MR. POCHO and I started this company almost 11 months ago and even though I am heiress to the Jupína soda fortune, I have put my duties of exotic travel and party-time debauchery on hold in order to focus on POCHO’s growth.

Mas…Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’

Totally scientific proof and I’m not kidding: Men make women crazy

(PNS reporting from SEATTLE) Women now have scientific proof of what they suspected all along: men make you crazy.

The groundbreaking study conducted here by the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center  proves what women have suspected all along.

The technical explanation? Women who give birth to boys retain male DNA in their brains and therefore they go batshit crazy.

The study found that in 63% of women, male DNA from their fetus was able to cross the blood-brain barrier and continue to exist inside the mother’s brain, even into old age.

Mas…Totally scientific proof and I’m not kidding: Men make women crazy

Talking head Ann Coulter can eat her own shit sandwich


Ann Coulter made headlines recently by stating “Civil rights are for blacks” and blacks alone. Oh Ann, sweet little Ann. It’s hard to imagine you were ever a child (mainly because you’re so damn old.)

The statement is part of a larger argument that gays, women, and immigrants aren’t owed the same civil rights as African-Americans because those groups were never affected by America’s “legacy of slavery and Jim Crow laws.”

Backtrack 200+ years for one second.

Mas…Talking head Ann Coulter can eat her own shit sandwich

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Jonathan Norwen

[They were just ordinary people, living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstances conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH]

Jonathan Norwen was just your typical intern at Univision, working towards his communication degree from Florida International University, when he was assigned the all-important task of keeping Don Francisco sober enough to get through a taping of Sabado Gigante. Norwen immediately formed a bond with Francisco and continues to hide the Don’s stash of Chivas Regal to this
day.

Norwen photo by Armedgill.

Happy Hispanic Heritage Month? Money won’t buy you love

It’s Hispanic Heritage Month. Break out a novelty sombrero and a bottle of Patron, because like a taco smothered in salsa, heritage is waay more palpable when it’s smothered in consumerism…

I often encounter people who don’t understand why I identify as Hispanic. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think it comes down to this: they’re eating the shit sandwich.

The shit sandwich is served-up fresh daily by consumerism. Let’s process culture, strip it of all that gunk we don’t need (like knowledge and power), and behold — now you can buy a poncho at Urban Outfitters. Culture itself has no value outside the bounds of consumption.

Culture is no different than a box of cereal.

Mas…Happy Hispanic Heritage Month? Money won’t buy you love

Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.

How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!

To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:

8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.

7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.

6. No midgets.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!

All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.

However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.

Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

In an effort to capture the growing Latino audience, Grammy-winning producer Emilio Estefan (better known for marrying Gloria Estafan), will be producing a Latino-themed TV drama. Estafan hopes to create a show that will attract a Latino audience without “demeaning roles.

Good luck Emilio! There’s no better example of Latino pride than El Chavo del Ocho!

Here are our suggested top eight Latino-themed tv dramas:

8. Dos Mujeres, Un Doctor Who – A handsome Time Lord battles evil MIGRA robots while forced to choose between two sexy companions.
7. Frijole & Isles – (pero que? son patas?)
6. Mariachi Medium – A man has visions of violent crimes while playing the tuba in shiny pants.

Mas…Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your chicken wings: Rape jokes!

I’ve been operating under the assumption that the average man has no love in his heart.

It’s a strange subconscious feeling that slowly crept into my daily life. I think, however, media played a bigger role in its development than my real interactions with others.

I know it’s not true, and up until recently, I wasn’t even aware that I felt that way.

I was thinking about the whole Daniel Tosh rape thing and I just thought to myself: Well, what do you expect? Men are not capable of love.

It was more than just a fleeting thought. It was a foundational belief that has been shaping how I look at the world.

I have to admit, when you see the position of women in our world, it’s hard to believe men can love. When men call us sluts and whores and cunts, it’s hard to believe they feel any ounce of love.  When you see the rape statistics, when you meet victims of rape, when you yourself have been assaulted, it’s really hard to think men can love.

However, bringing it back to Tosh, that doesn’t mean rape can’t be funny.

Rape victims are not fragile damaged hysterical women who burst into crying fits every time someone says the word rape. Actually, I’ve known both male and female rape victims who can find a rape joke funny because they don’t define who they are as a “rape victims.” They are just people who got raped.

Indulge me as I further illustrate my point.

Mas…Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your chicken wings: Rape jokes!

This just in: Apparently I am an ‘obvious American!’ Happy July 4!

I’ve been trying to make light of the Arizona “show me your papers” law in my stand-up but I don’t think people get it.

And I don’t think it’s because I’m a terrible comic (although that’s open to interpretation) but because people in general don’t really grasp what the law implies.

As a South American immigrant with a very paranoid Latina mother, I’ve lived with the fear of “show me your papers” most of my life.

Despite, being white and well assimilated (like a borg), I’ve carried my Social Security card and passport since I became a citizen.

Just last month, I was working on a film set and the consent form said, “Please provide proof of citizenship.” I panicked a little because I forgot my passport. As soon as I handed my paperwork to the agent, he looked me over and said,”Obviously, you were born in America…”

Mas…This just in: Apparently I am an ‘obvious American!’ Happy July 4!

Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!

Previously on POCHO:

But is that the end of the fascinating food factorama? No guey! Check out these eight other hidden powers of Comida Latina:

8. You can use beans to power a moped
7. Vegetarianism is a gateway to loose American values
6. Eating a boiled duck egg fetus cures impotence
5. You can help end world hunger by eating more, mijo

Mas…Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!