We Wish We Were There
(PNS reporting from PDX) Area collector Reynaldo “Ronnie” Morales’ heart was broken Sunday night when a last-minute auction bid from an eBay “sniper” pushed the coveted September 1953 issue of Amazing Future Tales out of his grasp and into the arms of another.
The sniper killed Morale’s chances with a $37.83 winning bid.
Mas…eBay ‘sniper’ outbids local man for ‘Chola Low Riders’ pulp magazine
North Korea’s Glorious Space Program, launched by Eternally Alive Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Il, has crushed the American Capitalist Running Dogs, destroyed flag-shrouded New York City, all while you sleep, accompanied by the luscious sounds of the Marxist Muzak Orchestra playing We Are the World — and we’ve got video!
Mas…North Korean space shuttle attacks U.S., Manhattan on fire (video)
Big Brother has detected a pistol — the Last Hand Gun on Earth — in a security bunker in Pasadena, and it’s up to daring Commander Adenoid and his spaceship crew to locate, remove and retrieve the deadly weapon before it’s too late. Will their strap-on Gucci jetpacks function in the alien San Gabriel Valley environment? Can they escape the missiles of the pursuing anti-aircraft Edsel? Will the rocket techs get overtime?
In the beginning, the spacebrothers created the Heaven and the Planet Earth, and they saw that it was good. Later on, Man came along and screwed stuff up big time. Verily.
The crew at Lugar High (in Lugar Heights) gets a visit from space aliens who, like all space aliens, want to empower Latinos. The Lugar kids’ mission, should they decide to accept it: Confront the evil Don Nabisco, host of a wildly-popular TV show. Look for special guest star cameos by Che Guevara and Sammy Sosa.
Don’t scoff. Don’t laugh. The Mayan Apocalypse End of The World As We Know It is December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR CHRONOMETERS WITH OUR COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.] Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard knows what the real deal is, and she says goodbye to her all her Ozzie mates in this video from December 5, which just floated into POCHO headquarters from the Juander Down Under.
Really, you want to do the right thing. Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, if it’s yellow let it mellow.
Enticing noises. Hypnotic lights.
All your life you’ve been thinking about the Mothership and the Space Brothers and ZOMG here they are in your backyard! What do you do? You do the Christian thing and invite them in for cuppa tea, of course. And what the frack do the aliens do? Hint: It involves babies and microwaves. (Based on a true story. Simulated gore may sicken people who are sickened by that kind of stuff.)
If you’re planning on driving National Route No. 5 in Argentina’s pampas region — especially between Santa Rosa and Catrilo — be extra careful. There are rifts in the spacetime continuum there, so-called “zonas de pérdida temporal.” Drivers may be subject to “missing time.”
That’s the warning recently issued by Agentinean Oscar “Quique” Mario, founder of the Centro de Estudios OVNI (CEUFO.)
From the Inexplicata blog:
…People driving along National Route No. 5, specifically the segment between the localities of Lonquimay and Anguil, and who may have sensed time anomalies, should please report it immediately to CEUFO, as we have received reports of three cases at different times and days within the past month.”
Mas…Argentine OVNI investigator warns of spacetime rifts on Route #5
 |
 |
Every day brings us closer to the End of the World as We Know It on December 21 (synchronize your chronometers with our MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column.)
All over the Internets, extremely concerned Trekkies are banding together to wear “expendable red” jerseys on The Last Day, so they can “die as Mr. Gene Rodenberry intended.”
And policia stationed near San Luis, AZ found a freshly-plowed field on the American side of the Colorado River scarred by craters and dotted with payloads of Mayan Marijuana apparently shot by cannabis cannoneers using a pneumatic cannon.
Pneumatic cannon? Federales found an empty industrial-sized CO2 canister, presumably propellant, in their hood.
Mas…Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse
It’s coming — the End of the World As We Know it is just three weeks away — December 21 [CHECK OUR EXCLUSIVE MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN TIMER IN THE RIGHT COLUMN AND SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES.]
From the video:
The sun has been totally erupting with massive solar flares, dude, because the Earth and Jupiter are no longer in alignment, causing the Sun to fall inward on itself because there is less gravity pulling the Sun out, dig? Have you formulated emergency plans? It will be interesting to see what happens in the next 24 hours!
In China, Lu Zhenghai has been reading up on the upcoming Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday and he is totally prepared with his bitchin’ new self-constructed ark.
Mas…Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’
First things first – Ridley Scott is an asshole.
OK. Now that that’s out of the way, I recently rented the film Prometheus and boy did it suck. I had to check the credits and make sure David Duke wasn’t executive producer.
There are a ton of sites that discuss why this film sucks so I won’t go into those here. There are also a ton of sites that get into why film snobs like me just don’t “get it” and that’s fine – I was actually disappointed to find that Roger Ebert not only liked this film but thought it was “magnificent.” Four stars? Pfft.
This film, while visually stunning at times, is just another notch in the belt for the subtle and not-so-subtle racism that spews out of the Hollywood machine. I Googled “Prometheus racist” and found one thread that had people mocking the very notion:
Racist?! Give me a break!
Mas…‘Prometheus’ exhibits subtle (and not-so-subtle) Hollywood racism
Mexican civil defense officials are reassuring a troubled nation that the UFO/OVNI captured on video apparently falling down INTO the smoldering Popopcatepetl volcano was actually a distant meteorite.
Inexplicata translated the report:
Mas…Update: Mexico says Popocatepetl UFO/OVNI was distant meteorite
From Televisia comes this report of a gigantic (mile-long?) cylindrical UFO/OVNI flying down INTO Popo. The UFO’s descent was captured by a 24/7 volcano cam that’s fixed on the peak, which is south of Mexico City.
Mas…Mile-long UFO flies down INTO smoldering Popocatepetl (video)
Going to see the space aliens at Area 51, you say? Too late, holmes. They’ve come and gone.
8. After generations of risking having your heart cut out when you climb a pyramid, Latinos have inherited a genetic fear of heights.
7. Jumping high and fast? Latinos ride low and slow.
6. That’s Mexican jumping BEANS not Mexican jumping balloons.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t jump from balloons over New Mexico
Monareta, a band made up of dancing aliens from outer space, has the best spinning propeller nerd beanies in all of Colombia. This is their video, Llama. That’s all we know for sure. If you have any additional information, please contact the appropriate authorities in your jurisdiction. And dance!
There are certain situations in Hollywood where as an actor you have to have no shame.
This was one of those times as I stood inside a large curtained-off fitting room wearing only a flesh-colored dance belt, the equivalent of man panties. Well, it is true that actors are a strangely alien tribe which are most unique only in Hollywood. I mean, where else would a Latino wear such a ridiculous contraption?
OK, back to my man panties… Key costumer Kim Thompson enters with a box of silver and black shaded and molded latex pieces twisted into sinewy shapes and a box of safety pins. She hands me a stretchy nylon body suit and says, “Put this on,” not asking, knowing full well that I would welcome a cover-up of my nakedness.
Mas…Adrian Tafoya: My life as an alien (In space, la raza assimilates you)
POCHO has been following the campaign of Astronaut José Hernández (@Astro_Jose on Twitter) ever since GOP tools tried to block him from using the title “astronaut” in his quest to represent Northern California in Congress.
Mas…New ad: Astronaut José ‘@Astro_Jose’ Hernández for Congress (video)
Whistleblower Leo Zagami‘s The Vatican’s UFO Agenda unmasks the shocking New World Order-Zionist-Nazi-Jesuit-Illuminati disinformation campaign to hide the presence of space aliens among us, a centuries-old effort designed to further their vast merchant-of-death world domination power grab.
And be careful what you tell your priest. After all, the so-called Sacrament of Confession is Job One in the Black Popes’ international intelligence-gathering apparatus.
It started out as a very well-executed hoax.
A Silly Valley startup was marrying advanced four-rotor light helicopter technology with America’s love of Mexican food to create a breakthrough business: Smart-phone-directed delivery of tacolicious love to your location.
The Tacocopters are coming. Sure, the original pitch was a clever troll aimed at credulous and impatient fast-food junkies. But the numbers don’t lie – a typical taco weighs less than a pound, and aircraft that can autonomously fly a few dozen ounces of payload to your doorstep are already available for around a thousand bucks. Amazon Prime is cool, and I can’t wait for self-driving delivery cars – but there’s a reason they call a beeline a beeline. Flying autonomous deliverybots are coming. Fast.
And if these choppers could also deliver cold, refreshing cerveza? The world would beat a mousetrap to their door!
¡Mira! An inspired hardware hacker just built a proof of concept that moves the technology a step closer to reality — the beer copter:
Mas…Hold on — you mean those taco copters could be for reals?
After small-town Middle American Neil Armstrong returned from the Moon, life never was the same, even during The Ohio Years.
As NASA’s rover Curiosity blazes new trails on Mars, POCHO recognizes the space agency’s racial advances since the early days, ’57 or ’58. It was a different time. (NSFW language.)
And it was a different time in the 1970s when poet Gil Scott-Heron recorded his rap/poem Whitey On the Moon as well. Or not so much:
Mas…Rover on Mars, Negroes in space and ‘Whitey on the Moon’ (videos)
Sure sure, Mars Rover, JPL, NASA, blah blah blah. How about THE FIRST HOTDOG IN SPACE!
BREAKING NEWS: The Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena has just released the first in a series of photographs from the Curiosity Mars Rover that appear to show a strange alien life-form on the surface of the Red Planet. POCHO is following the story and will bring you updates as they come in.
It is sometime in the near future.
Laws have been set in motion to protect the American Homeland. Your freedom and sanity are at stake. Oh, and your jobs.
I forgot about your jobs. And your beautifully domesticated wives and children. You pay your taxes, yet you feel one-upped. Lied to. I know. I have a mortgage and a timeshare I haven’t paid in months. Meanwhile our lazy neighbors to the south consume our resources. But there’s no need to fear. No longer do we have to sit in Victoria’s Secret as our wives are gawked at by gang-banging border hoppers. No. Victoria is just beyond the horizon. And one man risks it all in his comfy radio studio located somewhere in the Arizona desert.
That man is Lance Liberty for 101.3 Honest Radio. Take it away, Lance…
Mas…Xican@ Space Odyssey: Lance Liberty reports for 101.3 Honest Radio
Astronaut Drew Feustel demonstrates how to assemble a burrito in zero-gravity outer espace. Yes, Georgia, Mexican food is the new American. And let us never forget Astronaut Jose Hernandez.
(PNS reporting from NEW NEW YORK CITY) Attention, pochas y pochos! Interstellar starship captain and Mutants’ Rights advocate Turanga Leela is warning of serious side-effects from a popularly-priced hair care product you may be using at this very moment.
Leela thinks her late mother Munda’s use of Aqua Net hairspray is the reason she’s a loveless mutant with only one eye, and says the ingredient cyclopentasiloxane is the culprit.
“I mean the name STARTS with cyclop, how did people miss that?” she asked a press conference in New New York City Sunday (photo, above.)
Aqua Net hairspray is a must-carry purse item for every well-prepared pocha, according to a recent survey, and is used as a “bug spray, deodorant and a…substitute for glue.”
Mas…Pochas y pochos, beware! Aqua Net hairspray may cause mutations
OpenMinds.TV reports: “The Navajo Rangers have been modestly performing their duties on the reservation for more than 50 years…[and]…their investigations have included UFO sightings, paranormal cases and Bigfoot.”
In March, the Rangers’ work attracted the attention of the news team at the local CBS TV station. Here’s their exclusive news video:
Mas…Navajo Rangers keep ‘open mind’ on Bigfoot, UFO reports (videos)
Chilean actress and singer Celine Raymond goes to the dark side of the moon and returns as bhangra Latina chanteuse Kali Mutsa in this trippy category-smashing music video. We don’t know what Tunupa is exactly, but we like it. And you?
“We totally knew this humongous dragon was comin’ brah, so we set up a Facebook page and got everyone down here with their bongos and pots and pans. Our sonic countermeasures commenced mere seconds after the sun-gobbling began,” a pot-banger named Donald Dank told PNS.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) officials confirmed the monster space dragon’s departure.
Mas…Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies
