GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

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(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.

The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.

“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.

“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”

Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

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(PNS reporting from ALLENTOWN) If you’re a fan of the baseball minor league IronPigs in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley, urine luck next time you catch a home game at Coca-Cola Park in Allentown.

The urinals in the men’s rooms at the stadium now feature pee-powered video game consoles where writing your name as a high scorer is just a zip away.

WPVI Channel 6 Action News in nearby Philadelphia explains:

The screen above the urinal goes into game mode when the user approaches. The games, including alpine skiing, monitor the user’s aim to test their agility and knowledge.

Users will receive their score upon completion, which officials say is an average of over 55 seconds.

Users with high scores will be happy to know that they will be displayed in real-time across various videoboard displays within Coca-Cola Park.

Mas…Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

He starts out sketchy, then he turns into ‘Quite A Character’ (video)

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“This is my draw…. Is a rebel guy that want to be a real portrait, and not a cartoon, but I don’t listen his petition, I only play with him and I bother him. Then my character avenge. | Éste es mi dibujo…. Es un chico rebelde que quiere ser un retrato real, y no una caricatura, pero yo no escucho su petición, solo juego con él y lo molesto. Luego mi personaje se venga.”
— Neyra Reyes

Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

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In a much-criticized move, Mexico has finished construction of the border wall to keep out assholes from the United Estates.

American officials were mum after their own calls for more enforcement on this side of the border, but some politicians are mad enough to consider canceling their own Mexican spring break vacations.

Mas…Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

Hebrew homies Jaquann and Luis make matzo balls (NSFW video)

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On Passover (“Pesach” in Hebrew), los Judios eat “bitter herbs” to remember “the bitterness of slavery in Egypt.” In this video, Hebrew homeboys Jaquann and Luis start out with a sweeter herb and then have to satisfy their munchies with matzo balls. Passover starts Monday night at sundown. (NSFW drugs and language.)

Great pochos in rock history: The Premiers ‘Farmer John’ (video)

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The Premiers were an American garage band in the 1960s, best known for their 1964 hit, Farmer John.

The band was formed in 1962 in San Gabriel, CA by brothers Lawrence Perez (guitar) and John Perez (drums), and neighbors George Delgado (guitar) and Frank Zuniga (bass).

They practiced in the Perez brothers back yard, encouraged by their mother, and soon started drawing crowds to their rehearsals. They were discovered by Billy Cardenas, who managed and produced other Chicano bands in the East Los Angeles area and won the group slots supporting artists such as Johnny “Guitar” Watson and Chris Montez.

Mas…Great pochos in rock history: The Premiers ‘Farmer John’ (video)

Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

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Farmworkers showing up at Honduras Congressman Valentin Suárez’ farm near Comayagua last week “found dozens of dead sheep with injuries to their necks. Others had bled to death. Nearly 42 animals were lifeless and another 10 injured,” according to the Inexplicata blog, translating a report from Honduras’ La Prensa:

The cost of each animal is between 1000 and 1,500 lempiras [$50-75]…. Suarez said that the farm’s staff will keep a nocturnal watch in the hopes of finding any clue that may clarify the situation.

Mas…Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

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I remember being 16. I was stupid…but not that stupid.

I keep thinking about the Steubenville rape case and I can’t get the phrase “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” out of my head.

People aren’t sure who to blame, whether it’s a larger problem that encompasses the parents, the football culture, the entire town. You can chalk it up and say, “Oh they’re just young teens being stupid,” but the truth is, by the time you are 17 you are grown-ass-up enough to know right from wrong.

Mas…Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

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Spring began at 7:02 EDT this morning as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the pocho ocho best ways to tell that Spring has sprung:

8. Muslim Brotherhood now wears sundresses to Arab Spring protests and violent crackdowns

7. Hunger-striking Guantanamo Bay prisoners are working on their tans

6. Jan Brewer goes wild in Baja with the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Kappa

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) The creators of the miniseries The Bible and the History Channel are denying reports that the character Satan intentionally resembles President Barack Obama.

Producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey dismissed what they called “ridiculous” reports that their mini-series cast the ultimate villain with an actor looked like the President.

“This is utter nonsense. The actor who played Satan, Mehdi Ouzaani, is a highly acclaimed Moroccan actor,” they said in a statement released today.

“He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics– including dark-skinned Kenyan socialist Marxist dictators, and other Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our treasonous, drone-launching Black Panther President.”

Mas…History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.

With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.

“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”

Mas…GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

Japanese city council bans masked councilman ‘Skull Reaper A-Ji’

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A storm is percolating in the southern Japanese city of Oita, where a politician a la Santo Enmascarado refuses to take off his luchador mask in order to attend city council meetings.

The council members are prohibiting newly-elected Skull Reaper A-Ji from participating in city business unless he is unmasked. Reaper A-Ji refuses to give into the demand, explaining that without his mask he is someone else.

Mas…Japanese city council bans masked councilman ‘Skull Reaper A-Ji’

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