Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)

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Abuela knows best, amirite?

She recommends these old-fashioned remedios for whatever ails you:

8. Chile

Does it matter that you don’t eat chile? Or that this special hot sauce will burn a hole in your ulcer? No, eat it, you’ll see how much better you feel.

7. Nopal or linaza (cactus or flax seed)

If there’s something wrong with you, let’s flush it out. Sure, you will be spending the next week in the bathroom, but by the time you come out, whatever was ailing you will be long gone.

6. Rubbing an egg all over you while saying a prayer. (Una limpia con huevo)

Did your abuelita learn this ritual in church? Hell no, but for whatever reason, when she’s rubbing a cold egg all over you saying a Catholic prayer, it somehow makes you feel better. By the time that egg sucks up whatever evil eye someone gave you, the idea that this ritual is strange and old world will have slipped your mind.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)

Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

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AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.

But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.)

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union

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(PNS reporting from TEJAS) The votes have finally been counted and it looks like Democrats in Texas voted overwhelmingly yesterday to secede from the United States of America

“Texas Democrats are tired of Gov. Rick Perry’s partisan politics and of a Republican legislature that seems hell-bent on destroying the rights of hardworking Texans,” said state Democratic spokeswoman Rebecca Acuña.

The vote to secede was a desperate move for the Dems, who fought a hard fight against Republican redistricting that is still tied up in Federal courts. Hidden at the end of the state constitution — after the part where Rick Perry famously said the state could secede from the union — was a footnote that allows for areas of the state to secede as well.

Mas…Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) proposes new DREAMY Act

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an attempt to capitalize on the political gains made by Pres. Barack Obama’s support for gay marriage, Florida GOP senator and possible presidential candidate Marco Rubio has revamped his unpopular DREAM Act alternative.

The original federal DREAM Act allowed undocumented youth brought here as minors a path to citizenship if they served in the military or attended college. Rubio’s DREAM Act “lite” version offered these youth only a non-immigrant visa and permanent status as second-class citizens.

Now, hoping to suck off gay votes from Obama, Rubio has introduced the DREAMY Act.

Mas…Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) proposes new DREAMY Act

Carmen’s Mexican Wake Up Call Service is guaranteed (NSFW video)

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Even though it’s Tuesday, it feels like Monday, right? And it was hard to get up when the alarm rang this morning, right? When you absolutely, positively can’t oversleep, try Carmen’s Mexican Wake Up Call Service. You’ll be wide awake in no #$@%#%%^ time! (NSFW language.)

Legal Notice of Corporate Counsel: Sanchez Bros Attorney-at-Law

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This legal notice designating an Attorney of Record is herewith, hereby and homeboy published, March 15 2012, May 29 2012, and August 31 2012 pursuant the requirements of the Aztlan Judicical Unity Act (AJUA) of 1997.

For any y all legal matters pertaining to Pochismo, Inc., DBA POCHO and POCHO DOT COM, please contact

Attorney-At-Law Sanchez Bros, Pocho City, CA  @ 408-POCHO-28.

Navajo Rangers keep ‘open mind’ on Bigfoot, UFO reports (videos)

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OpenMinds.TV reports: “The Navajo Rangers have been modestly performing their duties on the reservation for more than 50 years…[and]…their investigations have included UFO sightings, paranormal cases and Bigfoot.”

In March, the Rangers’ work attracted the attention of the news team at the local CBS TV station. Here’s their exclusive news video:

Mas…Navajo Rangers keep ‘open mind’ on Bigfoot, UFO reports (videos)

Speaking Spanish gets you a free pizza – and Pocho Ocho other things

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The Pizza Patron chain has ignited a nationwide controversy with its offer of free pepperoni pies on June 5 if you order en Español.

What else you can get for speaking Spanish?

8. In Arizona, you get pulled over, disrespected and hassled.

7. In Miami, you get nothing, stupid. That’s how you’re supposed to talk.

6. In New York, you get to speak a secret language that everyone else understands.

Mas…Speaking Spanish gets you a free pizza – and Pocho Ocho other things

When you can’t bear life without nachos, you need nachos tattoos

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Some people can’t get through the morning with a cup of coffee, and others, apparently, can’t get through the day without delicious crunchy oozing-with-queso nachos:

We love nachos. Duh. We want to show it on our arms, legs, and face. Stains are not permanent enough, while permanent tattoos are against our religions.

So they made temporary nachos “tattoo” decals.

Would you get them? Wear them?

Thanks to BoingBoing for the link!

Grad flash mob perfect setting for surprise marriage proposal (video)

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Rocio Almaraz was graduating with honors and organized a flash mob to dance after the ceremonies. Her long-time boyfriend Alex Carrillo thought the flash mob was the perfect setting to surprise Almaraz with a proposal of marriage.

California State University at Fullerton tells the story:

Rocio Almaraz, who is graduating magna cum laude from Cal State Fullerton with a bachelor of science degree in human services, organized a flash mob dance as a surprise for attendees at her CSUF commencement exercise Sunday in Titan Stadium.

For those in the stands, they held up a sign, reading: “Thank you Parents and Friends.”

While dancing alongside her classmates, Almaraz got an even bigger surprise — from her boyfriend, Alex Carrillo of South Gate, who had arranged for the flash mob members to keep on dancing when the song playing over the loudspeaker switched to Bruno Mars’ “Marry Me.”

Mas…Grad flash mob perfect setting for surprise marriage proposal (video)

Pocho Ocho tips for grads: How to make it in the ‘real world’

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Are you a newly-graduated pocho preparing to take your first baby steps out into the so-called “real world?” We’ve got tips for you!

8. Unsure about your next move? Do you need a movement or idea to get behind? Start an Occupy College movement on your campus! You may have graduated, but this will ensure you never have to leave (or shower.)

7. Remember how much you drank your first week of school? Drink twice that amount! As silly as sobriety may seem at the moment, it has absolutely no purpose in the real world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Note that outside of college this is generally referred to as “alcoholism.”

6. To save money, move in with some people who actually had a chance at the American Dream — your parents. You’ll be so busy driving your abuelita around town, you won’t notice the economy sucks.

Mas…Pocho Ocho tips for grads: How to make it in the ‘real world’

Gustavo Arellano: This one goes out to all the community college grads

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Author, editor and POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano delivered this commencement speech yesterday to the graduates of Long Beach Community College:

Gustavo Arellano

Gracias for having me here, Vikings. I come from that evil land over yonder on the other side of the 405 — Orange County. Por favor don’t hold it against me, as I come to ustedes in peace and with a message about our shared background as products of California’s magnificent community college system.

I graduated in 1999 from Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa, just down the 405. My experience there was similar in many respects to yours. I had a full course load, took intersession, took as many summer school courses as possible, and did all of this while working full time, no financial aid, and helping to support my family. The classes were crowded, the parking horrific, the professors ranging from Einsteins to idiots.

Mas…Gustavo Arellano: This one goes out to all the community college grads

American Census Shocker Part II: Interview with a minority baby

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Non-white births now make up a majority of all births in the United States and racist anti-immigrants are pooping mad. The most elder of them, Phyllis Schlafly, an ancient anti-feminist relic, has actually come out of her dusty display case and made a pronouncement through her right-wing conservative group, The Eagle Forum, decrying the surge of unpatriotic minority babies. From their website:

It is not a good thing. The immigrants do not share American values, so it is a good bet that they will not be voting Republican when they start voting in large numbers.

They go on to accuse non-white immigrants and their offspring of having:

…high rates of illiteracy, illegitimacy, and gang crime, and they will vote Democrat when the Democrats promise them more food stamps.

To find out if the threat entering this country from non-white birth canals is indeed dangerous, I interviewed a minority baby myself:

Mas…American Census Shocker Part II: Interview with a minority baby

Happy birthday to Morrissey, the moody Brit who stole Latino hearts

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Happy fifty-third birthday, Steven Patrick Morrissey!

You would might think he was dead, with all the tribute bands and karaoke nights and even a whole convention in his honor. The real fans, of course, will be at an actual concert, like tonight’s show in San Diego, where the venue will be filled with lonely misfits who spend a lot of time in their bedrooms. I have been a fan since 1993.

Yes, I was an odd third grader, but we can blame my older sister for that.

In 2009, while my pal uber-fan Dagenham Dave was looking for a friend in Seattle he spotted the Mozza and did what each Morrissey fan does when they meet him. He asked Morrissey to sign a part of his body so he could later get it tattooed. I haven’t gotten there yet; I’m a little rusty on my stalking tactics since gas prices went up. I should start contacting the Arab side of the family.

Mas…Happy birthday to Morrissey, the moody Brit who stole Latino hearts

Romney’s new Spanish TV ad now available with English subtitles

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(PNS reporting from GUACHINGON) As the Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-espeaking voters with a new ad, Dia Uno. POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies

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News photog Trey Buchet captured the space dragon's first bite
(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Pot-banging hippies gathered on Southern California beaches yesterday and chased away the space dragon that was swallowing our Sun.

“We totally knew this humongous dragon was comin’ brah, so we set up a Facebook page and got everyone down here with their bongos and pots and pans. Our sonic countermeasures commenced mere seconds after the sun-gobbling began,” a pot-banger named Donald Dank told PNS.

National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) officials confirmed the monster space dragon’s departure.

Mas…Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies

Ñewsweek: Epic movie, cafe con chile, chi-chis, tats, soy and Vagistan

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“Reality, shmeality,” says Hollywood as it plans an epic film on Mexican-American history without any, you know, Chicanos:  JLo stars as the Virgen de Guadalupe, Lou Diamond Phillips is Che Guevara and Elton John is cast as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.

And there’s trouble in Brand Land as Starbucks plans to test-market chile- and nopal-flavored drinks in East Los and agrichem conglomerate Monsanto‘s proposed soy chicharrones meet pushback from pro-pork protestors.

More minority babies where born in the U.S. last year than white babies and the invasion of little pishers from Vagistan has the usual suspects all riled up. Speaking of babies, columnist Maria Purisma‘s sad sex life sent her to Victoria’s Secret, and homeboy Chuy of the Hey Vato! crew wondered if new tats would make his new girlfriend more forthcoming.

The week’s big ñews links from POCHO  are just a click away:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Epic movie, cafe con chile, chi-chis, tats, soy and Vagistan

Black & white history: Juvenile delinquents ‘Ask Me, Don’t Tell Me’

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Ask Me, Don’t Tell Me (1961, 22 mins.) Adult suspicion, pompadours, cigarettes, chromed cars, pool halls, the jitterbug and pinball machines conspire to turn kids into juvenile delinquents, but earnest do-gooders can save the day! Great rock ‘n’ roll soundtrack and candid footage make late 1950s early 1960s gang life look sweet — in the days before guns and drive-bys.

The camera follows the day-to-day lives of San Francisco teenage gang members (AKA “jacket clubs”) — white, Asian, Mexican, black — and the unfriendly world they inhabit. The documentary was produced by the American Friends Service Committee, which wanted to set the kids on the right path with community service projects.

Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model

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Supposebly, I was supposed to sex it up for my boyfriend Manuelito. He said the romance was gone and we needed to spice it up. So I did what any girl would do — I went to Victoria’s Secret.

I spent a long time in that store, too. I looked at everything they had — from those bras with the gel to make you look like you have more cleavage to the ones that scrunch your chi-chis together to make you look muy sexy and even considered those itty bitty tangas that would inevitably get lost somewhere in your pompis.

After all that looking around, I wondered: how do these tiny women manage to be so chichonas anyway?

I finally settled on something and went home to make it a special night. I lit sexy cinnamon candles, the kind that smell like churros, put on my new brassiere and waited for Manuelito to come over. Once he got there I was so excited! But, as it turn out, we were both in for a shock.

Mas…Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model

Amazon dinosaur hunt? What else could these pictographs be? (video)

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ZOMG! Do these 5000-year-old pictographs show men chasing and spearing a sauropod dinosaur, ages after the giant reptiles’ alleged extinction? Does this mean the Biblical creation story is right and science is wrong? In this new Amazon rainforest video, Canadian “creationist” Vance Nelson is very impressed by a “secular” expert’s testimony, but he can’t get the expert to testify on camera.

Are the South American tribesmen chasing a huge alligator or is it something else? Is this “creationist” piling inference upon speculation to reach unwarranted conclusions to support his religious agenda? Our ancestors painted pictures of dragons and unicorns, too. Does that mean they existed as well?

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