Blonde Mexican dissident seeks asylum in Chinese restaurant

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Rubio "doesn't look Mexican" neighbors say
(PNS reporting from GUADALAJARA) Blonde Mexican dissident Pablo Rubio holed up in a Chinese restaurant here after eluding taunting neighbors who say he can’t be Mexican since he is fair-haired and light-skinned.

Rubio was spirited away from his home in a car trunk at noon yesterday by friends who convinced suspicious local gang members the getaway vehicle was sagging the trunk was filled with drogas, one source told PNS.

“Pablo went to the Che Xuan Panda restaurant because to them he looks Mexican,” she said. “We all look Mexican to them. Also the 75 pesos lunch special with soup and egg roll rocks.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

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Only 15% will get a piece of Mayan Pie
Only 1 in 7 people has faced up to the fact that the world will end soon and maybe in December, according to a new poll released by Reuters.

“Whether they think it will come to an end through the hands of God, or a natural disaster or a political event, whatever the reason, one in seven thinks the end of the world is coming,” said Keren Gottfried, research manager at Ipsos Global Public Affairs which conducted the poll for Reuters.

“Perhaps it is because of the media attention coming from one interpretation of the Mayan prophecy that states the world ‘ends’ in our calendar year 2012,” Gottfried said.

Confused by the controversy? We need some disinformation and we need it now, and that’s why we turned to the Disinformation Company for this video.

Mas…Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

PochoCast #4: Alcaraz/Madrigal ‘Cinco de Mayo fever jumps the shark’

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Listen to Los Dos Amigos -- they know a guy

POCHO’s Lalo Alcaraz, Jefe-in-Chief, and Al Madrigal, Migrant Editor, Skype truth to power in PochoCast Number Four.

The long-distance interlocutors are all about Cinco de Mayo fever, Mexican Mitt Romney, Gustavo Arellano,  Taco John’s,  SB1070, Obama, the Dream Act, Los Lobos, Latino USA, Taco USA, La Cucaracha, Ann Romney, Twitter, hate mail, the Politico blog, FU money, MEChA, the Walmart Mexico bribery scandal, and this guy Al knows.

Although the podcast is recommended listening for your morning commute, do not listen while shaving, frying bacon (naked or not) or inserting contact lenses due to danger of cuts, burns and/or pokes in the eye.  No warranty expressed or implied. Your mileage may vary. We don’t speak your crazy moon language.

Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

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Puebla cave paintings point to France

It’s so last century, the new generation of Chicano students say, and the hard-to-pronounce-and-explain name for venerable activist organization M.E.Ch.A has to change! POCHO covered the explosive debate and published your reader comments in this week’s biggest story.

And history came alive as anthropologists discovered a previously-lost tribe of Frenchman living in caves near the city of Puebla, MX. Are they a remnant of the troops sent by Napoleon III in 1862?

Keep on reading  — we’ve got the latest ñews on Cinco de Mayo, the Hey Vato! homies discuss the Raider’s Nation, Romney’s campaigning parrot and more:

Mas…Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

Pan-Latino underground club in Queens: Welcome to Metal Kingdom

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Hey! It’s a Cinco de Mayo Sabado Pochonte video shoutout to the heavy metal head banger pochos in New York City — no banda for you! Welcome to Metal Kingdom is a short documentary on an underground Pan-Latino heavy metal club in Queens, NY. Filmed, directed and produced by Denise R. Gaberman. (NSFW language, etc.)

Cinco de Mayo installation art in Beverly Hills (video and photos)

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Ramiro Gomez is an installation artist who makes the invisible visible by inserting cardboard versions of usually-overlooked Mexican laborers into actual settings. Last night he emailed:

Fresh piece I just installed this afternoon on the westbound corner of Mountain Drive and Sunset Boulevard in Beverly Hills. If you’re driving around that part of town, stop by and check it out before it’s inevitably taken down.

Like Gomez wanted, POCHO stopped by the intersection the morning of Cinco de Mayo and shot this video. It reminded us of a Folgers Crystals instant coffee commercial: “We’ve secretly replaced your ordinarily-invisible immigrant gardener with a cardboard replica. Let’s see if anyone notices!”  And we have photos from Gomez, below.

Mas…Cinco de Mayo installation art in Beverly Hills (video and photos)

Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday — and we’ve got videos!

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QUESTION: How can you tell when Cinco de Mayo has turned into a totally American holiday? ANSWER: When gabachos from Tennessee start making rap videos about it in broken Spanglish! Dear Hootie (AKA Hoochie) and the Brofish: Orale!

For your Only in Los Angeles moment, check out a local news video about Cinco de Mayo at MexiKosher, a kosher Mexican restaurant in the heavily-Jewish Pico-Robertson neighborhood:

Mas…Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday — and we’ve got videos!

Cartel street battle in Puebla, MX ends in rout of French gang invaders

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Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla
Authorities said 462 French gangsters died and 300 were injured
(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MEXICO) Federales are cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Cartel street battle in Puebla, MX ends in rout of French gang invaders

Pocho Ocho ironic nicknames that aren’t as insulting as they seem

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El Flaco (left) and El Gordo

8. Gordo/a – This word (it means “overweight”) seems like an insult, but  it’s just another way to say, “Hey you!”  You don’t have to be fat to get this nickname.

7. Flaco/a –  And you don’t actually have to be skinny to get this nickname. Of course, you could be relatively skinny compared to everyone else in the room, but it’s just a way to speed things along.

6. Viejo/a –  This word (“old”) could be used to refer to one’s significant other, parent, or friend. Whether or not one is actually old depends on those involved in the conversation. 

Mas…Pocho Ocho ironic nicknames that aren’t as insulting as they seem

NPR Cinco de Mayo show taps Gustavo Arellano, La Santa Cecilia

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Coming from the East Coast and all, the National Public Radio Alt.Latino peeps needed to come here to get the real California deal on Cinco de Mayo. They called on two local treasures:  Gustavo Arellano, editor of OCWeekly.com, and East Los rockers La Santa Cecilia:

This week we bring ourselves to that most bicultural of holidays — Cinco de Mayo. As we discuss in the show, there is a question about whether or not this is just another opportunity for happy hour specials or store-wide sales: “Get your new bed during our Mexican Mattresstravaganza!!!”

We invited writer Gustavo Arellano to help us shed some light on the issue. He has tackled this theme before in his syndicated column Ask A Mexican.

Here on the East Coast, the Cinco de Mayo experience is different from what it is in California. It feels much less connected to themes of cultural pride and more like an excuse to drink margaritas.

Mas…NPR Cinco de Mayo show taps Gustavo Arellano, La Santa Cecilia

MEChA changes name to one members can pronounce

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) The board of the historic student organization MEChA voted Wednesday to change the group’s name to something easier for its members to pronounce.

MEChA was born during the Chicano Civil Rights Movement, and its name — Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano de Aztlán — was an artifact of its 1960s’ genesis. But Xicano activism waned in the ensuing decades; every year since 1968, for example, the number of baby girls named Xochitl has declined.

Members are no longer interested in getting back to their Nahuatl roots and Los Angeles local chapter male co-chair David Hernandez told PNS that there’s no need. “I mean, I already am from Aztlán, Whittier, you know? And we don’t speak Spanish here,” he said.

Mas…MEChA changes name to one members can pronounce

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

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Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca

Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.

Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

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As reported by the Miami Herald, there are about 8,000 reasons why Mitt Romney might not pick Florida’s Teabbagged Sen. Marco Rubio for as his running mate. Here are the top eight:

8. Sin Papeles. He’s illegal! It’s debatable who has the wetter back since Romney is from Mexico but Rubio is just as undocumented and some would argue more “deportable.” Rubio fled Cuba not because of the Revolución but because no one there could stand him. The guy’s an asshole.

More reasons and startling photographic evidence below.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

Adios, Gordo Gingrich! You’ll never get your sangwich :(

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Former Freaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s campaign for the Republican presidential nomination is over. POCHO laments the loss of this serial adulterer and nominee wannabe, as his ignorant, racist douchebaggery provided us with lots of ñews, including this Spanish-language campaign commercial with realistic English subtitles.

And there’s more below:

Mas…Adios, Gordo Gingrich! You’ll never get your sangwich 🙁

Romney courts ‘Hispanic vote’ with cartoon parrot sidekick (video)

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GOP presidential wannabee Mitt Romney knows he needs help with the “Hispanic vote” so he hired a Spanish-speaking, taco-loving parrot named Paco to help him out on the campaign trail. This is their first joint video.

Contrast and compare with Romney’s earlier Nosotros ad, presented here with English subtitles.

Mas…Romney courts ‘Hispanic vote’ with cartoon parrot sidekick (video)

Will Selena’s comeback tour feature a holographic JLo?

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holoselena(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Selena’s old band is hitting the road this summer with a holographic version of the murdered superstar and Jennifer Lopez wants the part.

JLo played Selena Quintanilla-Pérez in a 1997 biopic about the singer.

“We tried to tell her a hologram was not an actual person and that playing a hologram was not the same thing as being in a movie, but she didn’t seem to understand,” band manager Beto Salinas told PNS.

Lopez called band members directly and begged for the role.

Mas…Will Selena’s comeback tour feature a holographic JLo?

I was an eyewitness/participant at the L.A. riots/uprising/desmadre

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This Saturday, after driving and blasting some Public Enemy and NWA in my decidedly non-gangster hoopty (a new, very gas-friendly tiny vehicle) I went home feeling amped up about the commemoration of the twentieth anniversary of the L.A. Riots.

I checked the newspapers, then went online and was reading an excellent piece by Pocho homie, DJ and writer Davey D, about the massive civil unrest sparked by the trial of the L.A.P.D. cops who beat unarmed Rodney King.

On Apr. 29, 1992, my girlfriend and I were in shock, like much of L.A., that the cops were acquitted of beating Rodney King. Though we were accustomed to seeing the constant police brutality used against minorities by outfits like the L.A.P.D., everyone felt that there was no way they were going to get away this time. It was on.

Mas…I was an eyewitness/participant at the L.A. riots/uprising/desmadre

Debuting Cinco de Mayo: The Misadventures of Pepito and Juan

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The Misadventures of Pepito and Juan will debut on POCHO at midnight, May 5, Cinco de Mayo. Look for a new episode every night at midnight until we run out of cartoons, or creator Gabriel Tellez, Jr. makes more.

What’s it all about? Per Tellez:

Pepito (left): The highly intelligent, politically/socially conscious Chicano who is considered “too liberal” by conservatives, and “too soft” by self-proclaimed revolutionaries. Though a progressive reformist at heart who likes to be “the middle guy” in social and political issues, Pepito despises hardcore conservatives as much as he despises Che-shirt wearing teenagers who don’t know what they are protesting about.

Juan (right): While being the more friendly and outgoing one of the duo, Juan isn’t really too bright when it comes to more important issues that plague society, and would rather smoke weed than join Pepito in his quest to empower the Latino community. Juan is also flirtatious at heart, as he always seems to find the time to hit on all the pretty girls he comes to contact with (which usually ends up in slaps to the face.)

Published in cooperation with Tellez, who is a hoopy frood.

Mas…Debuting Cinco de Mayo: The Misadventures of Pepito and Juan

Are these Sunday news show talking heads your ‘Hispanic leaders’?

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CBS News writes:

Because Hispanics, the fastest-growing segment of the US population, will play a big role in November’s presidential election, leaders from the Hispanic community reinforced the notion that they are not a monolithic voting bloc.
Are these people your “Hispanic leaders” as CBS calls them? Aside from the Latino/Hispanic what’s in a name issue, do these people represent you? Do you even know who they are? Do you agree with what they say? Let’s name names:

Mas…Are these Sunday news show talking heads your ‘Hispanic leaders’?

Ñewsweek: Abuelita and the ticking baby clock, no cholo too loco

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When a cholo goes bad, call The Cholo Whisperer

She needed help — a woman approaching 40 who wanted  kids but had no realistic baby daddy in sight.  Thankfully, she decided to write Dear Abuelita for advice, who gave her way more guidance than she was expecting.

And in a very special video about Cholo Rescue Services, the gentle strength of The Cholo Whisperer turns a misbehaving cholo loco into a warm companion everyone loves.

These were the stories breaking the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Abuelita and the ticking baby clock, no cholo too loco

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