Miami Latina running for Congress took a trip on a UFO (video)

Three tall, blonde-haired space aliens kidnapped her and took her for a ride in their UFO, which was controlled by quartz rocks, she said. Now Republican entrepreneur Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera (pictured with non-alien tall blonde — we think) is seeking the GOP nomination for Florida’s 27th Congressional District.

The NY Post has some deets:

Mas…Miami Latina running for Congress took a trip on a UFO (video)

Miami Melanie seeks taco-eating bearded Joseph she met @ Bodega

craigslist-logoCL south florida >miami / dade >personals >missed connections
W4M

Joseph with a Beard- met on dancefloor of Bodega - w4m (south beach)

Joseph---

We met this past Saturday night on the dance floor of Bodega. You had just gone in for tacos with your friend who was visiting (HE WAS SO TIRED).

Though you and I just started being silly and theatrical with our dancing-- and we really connected.

Mas...Miami Melanie seeks taco-eating bearded Joseph she met @ Bodega

Those Taiwanese animators recap the Spurs’ NBA victory (video)


Maybe you didn’t see the San Antonio Spurs smoke the Miami Heat 104-87 for the NBA crown Sunday night, or maybe you want to relive the glory. Those wacky Taiwanese animators at TomoNews are here to help.

Meanwhile in San Antonio (NSFW video):

PREVIOUSLY ON SAN ANTONIO:

Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

tobacco-road-miami(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends.

“I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why would she be so mean?”

Clarissa Cortés told PNS she was “just not having it,” after a 10-hour day balancing the books at Ponce de Leon Wholesale Rejuvenation Supplies and then fighting the traffic on the Palmetto Expressway. She just wanted to leave Tobacco Road on South Miami Avenue and go home to Brickell. Torres’ catcall was the last straw, she said.

“Oh hell no, not after the day I had,” Cortés said. “So I turned around, flipped him the bird and told him that he was an hijo de puta!”

Mas…Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

Pocho Ocho things about the USA that surprise Cuban defectors


Cuban ballet dancers who recently defected from their troupe in Mexico and now live in Miami are “amazed at how many foods come canned and can be easily heated up in a microwave,” according to the Associated Press.

Canned foods! But wait, there’s mas. Here are the Pocho Ocho other things about the U.S. that also surprised our new island immigrants:

8. Studebaker, DeSoto, Willys and Nash are out of the automobile business

7. America’s most famous Cuban? Mark Cuban

6. Fidel is a sofa bed mogul and Che sells t-shirts

Mas…Pocho Ocho things about the USA that surprise Cuban defectors

MiJA Weekly’s Elise Roedenbeck joins new TV network in Miami

Many have you have written in and asked about Elise Roedenbeck’s MiJA WEEKLY video series and why it disappeared.

We have good news and bad news. Bad news first: There will be no more MiJA WEEKLY.

The good news? Important people in the Network Television World were so taken with Elise and MiJA WEEKLY that they stole her away from us and moved her to Miami where she is joining the new ABC/Univision TV network FUSION.

Felicidades to our hermana Elise and “break a leg” as we say in eshow business.

Pocha Podcast: WTF is up with these catcalls? (NSFW audio)

POCHO’s Subcommandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón in Los Angeles and New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck got together in audioland to see if they could figure out WTF is up with guys and their weird catcalls and come-ons. Is it different in New York vs. L.A.? Are Spanish catcalls different from English? What’s a guera to do?

Ooops! This audio file seems to be missing! The authorities have been notified.

Hooray! We found a cached copy on Archive.org. Download the POCHA PODCAST here (5.1MB MP3)

First Native American gun victim pushes for gun control

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) It took a lot of burning sage, cedar, sweetgrass and tobacco, but Tymangoua, the first Native American murdered by a gun in what is now the United States, delivered a message from the spirit world to Washington:

Getting shot and killed sucks!

Indigenous Peoples Against Gun Violence (IPAG) introduced Tymangoua to a press conference here Monday.

IPAG president Lauren Ko’n-Za explained:

Gun violence is not a recent phenomenon. It has existed for hundreds of years and indigenous people like Taymangoua were the first victims. Tymangoua was murdered on Sept. 14, 1513, by Spanish sailors looking to enslave him on the shores of Biscayne Bay in what is now Miami.

Mas…First Native American gun victim pushes for gun control

Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Restrictions that kept Cubans from fleeing the island for half a century will be lifted, according to the Communist Party Central Committee’s official newspaper, Granma.

And in a candid interview, America’s favorite Latino rebel Fidel Castro was asked how he felt America would respond to the new policy and expected exodus. He replied simply: “Fuck ‘em.”

“As part of the work under way to update the current migratory policy and adjust it to the conditions of the present and the foreseeable future, the Cuban government, in exercise of its sovereignty, has decided to again flood Miami with even more of our people because fuck America. How you like me now, bitches?” Castro told PNS.

Mas…Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

The Internets are buzzing with questions about about Gov. Mitt Romney’s appearance on last night’s Univision forum live from Miami. Digerati are confused about what he said AND how he looked.

POCHO’s Campaign Team 2012 was online all night handling their news sources to find the Pocho Ocho reasons the candidate looked so dark-skinned:

8. Was present at explosion at enchilada sauce factory

7. Stayed in a sauna too long with Speaker John Boehner

6. He is a huge Annoying Orange fan

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

Florida voter fraud crackdown finally snares a live one

Mr. ChaCha is remorseful

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Even as the U.S. Department of Justice seeks to shut down Florida’s effort to disenfranchise voters, state officials are overjoyed that their purge of voter role has finally nabbed a real fraud, even if their case is a dog.

Much to the relief of Republican witch-hunters who were under fire for challenging the eligibility to vote of war veterans, grandmothers and local heroes, a French Bulldog puppy named Mr. ChaCha was charged on Tuesday for voting fraudulently in a local Miami election last year.

The eight-month-old pup snuck into a neighborhood high school, sniffed the ballot and then pulled the lever for Hammad Jose de Marx, the Green Party candidate for Dade County Residential Service Officer, according to poll watchers. “Though Mr. ChaCha’s motives are unclear, one fact is clear: Voter fraud is real,” an election board spokesman said.

Mas…Florida voter fraud crackdown finally snares a live one

First George Zimmerman Prize goes to fellow Florida racist

I am compelled to award the first George Zimmerman Prize for Ignorant Racism to Joaquin Amador Serrapio, the Miami college student who threatened on Facebook to assassinate Pres. Barack Obama.

Serrapio recently pleaded guilty to threatening the president’s life but claimed that he simply aimed to rile up Obama supporters on the Internets. In other words, he’s a troll.

It’s not the first time Serrapio has acted trollishly.

His now-private Twitter feed included gems such as “Why can’t all girls be white? :(”  and “Martin Luther King day: the day where black people forget it was a white man that abolished slavery,” which makes no sense since the people actually enslaving African-Americans where white.

Seriously, if slaves could have ended slavery it would have created a rip in the space-time continuum or something. And besides, what does that have to do with Martin Luther King?

Mas…First George Zimmerman Prize goes to fellow Florida racist