Malcolm Mex

aztectricksterIn these troubled times, God[ess] knows, we could use some help from indigenous, culturally-appropriate deities.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top Aztec gods we could sure use today:

8. Chingilipochtli, god of payback

7. Guautemoc, god of amazement and wonder

6. Spocktezuma, god of living long and prospering tambien [Mas…]

missing(PNS reporting from MONTREAL) A Los Angeles man who had not been heard from since he fled to Canada in 1970 to avoid the Vietnam War draft has been found in Montreal, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

When Albert “Sleepy” Dominguez missed the 1970 Chicano Moratorium in Los Angeles, noone knew he had quietly slipped out of the country the night before to go underground and avoid conscription to Vietnam.

Dominguez, then 19 years old, went so underground that neither family, friends nor the U.S. government could locate him to inform him that he was never, in fact, drafted. [Mas…]

poutineburrito(PNS reporting from MONTREAL, QUEBEC) Authorities here are scrambling to halt the spread of a Mexicanized version of poutine, Canada’s beloved national dish of French fries covered with gravy and cheese.

The increasingly-popular poutine burrito, known as a “pou-to” or “poutito” (photo, above) has already swept through Montreal, and officials fear “pou-tos” will cross the Quebec provincial border into neighboring Ontario. [Mas…]

deporttion640(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Texas Governor Rick Perry was “outraged” after seeing leaked photos of crowded child detainees at the U.S. Border Patrol Detention center in Brownsville, PNS has learned.

“The kind of sloppy detention seen in those photos is a clear waste of space as well as taxpayer dollars,” Perry said in an email sent to aides Monday night.

Perry thinks the centers could squeeze in more detainees using the “tight pack” system long advocated by GOP lobbyist John E. Rebb. [Mas…]

prisonindistrialcomplex

alberto_qaedalarge(PNS reporting from EL BRONX) Almost every adult American remembers where they were on Sept. 11, 2001, but few remember more vividly than Bronx janitor Alberto Qaeda.

“That was the first time I ever got my ass kicked.  And the second time.  And the third,” recalls Qaeda, who used to go by the more informal name of “Al.”

Qaeda (photo), who was 17 in 2001, was a student at City College of New York studying to be a cashier when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center. [Mas…]

Breaking: Obama plans ‘I Have A Drone’ speech

by Malcolm Mex August 27, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) White House sources have confirmed that Pres. Barack Obama will deliver an “I Have A Drone” speech Wednesday to commemorate the the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech at the 1963 March on Washington. The news has already sent shock waves through […]

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Breaking: ‘Devious Maids’ producer preps ‘Desperate Tontos’

by Malcolm Mex July 10, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Television producer Marc Cherry is developing a new series called Desperate Tontos, which is about four white actors donning even whiter makeup to play Native Americans. The series is seen as a comeback attempt following Cherry’s floundering Devious Maids series, which was a disastrous attempt to portray Latinas. Cherry admits Maids […]

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Breaking: Bolivia says U.S. ‘racially-profiled’ Morales’ jet

by Malcolm Mex July 5, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LA PAZ) Bolivian Pres. Evo Morales is angry that the United States “racially-profiled” his jet as it was leaving a conference in Moscow and forced it to land in Austria, the whitest country in Europe. Bolivian Foreign Minister David Choquehuanca, who was mistaken for Morales at a press conference in Vienna, said […]

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Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black

by Malcolm Mex June 5, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEW ORLEANS) The “Honorable” Judge Edith Jones further angered civil rights and animal rights activists today when she issued a statement claiming killer whales were more violent than other sea life because they are black. Jones, who was blasted for her earlier assertion that blacks and Latinos are more violent than Caucasians, […]

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Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios

by Malcolm Mex May 29, 2013 El Now
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Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style.  Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day […]

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New ‘East Los High’ web series exposes sexrification of East L.A. (video)

by Malcolm Mex May 15, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) A new web series on Hulu is poised to blow the lid off the unprecedented rise of sexy Latinos currently overrunning East Los Angeles.  The series, East Los High, is a riveting expose of the rapid “sexrification” of the historically low-and-slow Chicano community. “The kids at East Los High are […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Mexican porn star feted in DF

by Malcolm Mex April 18, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Mexican porn star Alejandro Montejainas was honored at a gala reception in Mexico City’s Zona Rosa last week. Montejainas, who first gained public notoriety in his landmark 1967 film Chilito Lindo, has starred in more than 70 productions in a career that spans nearly four decades. Perhaps best known […]

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Cheech and Chong’s ‘Animated Movie!’ fires up the oldies (video)

by Malcolm Mex April 11, 2013 Cartoons
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The godfathers of weed humor Cheech and Chong are reuniting on the big screen in their first feature-length animated movie, which hits the theaters on April 18.  The DVD release is 4/23. Whoever missed the opportunity to release this joint on 4/20 has probably already been fired.  Take a hit of the trailer for Cheech […]

[Mas…]

GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

by Malcolm Mex March 27, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican. The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Sick Queen Elizabeth says horsemeat is fine

by Malcolm Mex March 4, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LONDON) Queen Elizabeth II of England — depite being briefly hospitalized with a stomach infection — has endorsed the stampede of European carnivores who say horsemeat in your beefburger is no big deal. Joining the German cabinet minister who advocated giving horsemeat-tainted products to poor people and the Huffington Post’s LatinoVoices, which published a Cuban […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

by Malcolm Mex March 2, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts. While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only […]

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Harlem activist calls ‘Harlem Shake’ video craze a ‘racist meme’

by Malcolm Mex February 20, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HARLEM) The Harlem Shake viral video craze is a racist meme characterized by a near total lack of African-Americans, Harlem Community College graduate student Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones declared yesterday. Shabazz-Jones, a Harlem native, emailed PNS about the video meme, which, he wrote, “commodicates and transmogrifies” African-American culture and is “an insult” to […]

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LAPD finds Christopher Dorner wallet at Russian meteor crash site

by Malcolm Mex February 16, 2013 Doomsday Countdown
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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner’s wallet was found at the Russian meteor crash site, according to an LAPD statement issued here today. Although the Los Angeles Police Department does not have an explanation for how the charred wallet ended up on the meteor, observers note the theory supports the “Magic Wallet” theory […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Fox TV preps ‘So You Think You Can Pope’

by Malcolm Mex February 12, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope. The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, […]

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Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope

by Malcolm Mex February 12, 2013 El Now
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While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies. 8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile. 7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops. […]

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Reagan Library releases rare video to mark Gipper’s 102nd birthday

by Malcolm Mex February 6, 2013 El Now
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The Ronald Reagan Library celebrated the 40th president’s 102nd birthday today by releasing this never-before-seen archival footage of Reagan in action during the height of the 1986 Iran-Contra Scandal. Revered by neo-cons, ex-cons and decepticons as a doting old Weeble, Reagan is considered by many as the ultimate con. The Gipper’s birthday is celebrated in […]

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Ken Burns Super Bowl commercial angers minority farmworkers

by Malcolm Mex February 5, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from FRESNO) Latino farmworkers say Dodge’s American Farmer Super Bowl commercial is a bunch of manure, according to Claude Rhodappel, spokesman for the Minority Organization for Farmworkers and Obreros (MOFO). The commercial, directed by filmmaker Ken Burns, used crisp documentary-style photography to celebrate America’s farmers while espousing the values of Dodge’s Ram Truck.  […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Enemy of my enema is my friend’

by Malcolm Mex February 5, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from FLUSHING, N.Y.)  This just in: Long Island dry cleaner Beau Riqua was an unhappy man this morning when he prevented nurses from administering an enema prescribed by his doctor.  Riqua, who was visiting internist Dr. Lee Cuado with concerns about bloating, was upset that Cuado, a longtime friend, recommended this delicate procedure. […]

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