COMIC SAENZ 
8. Beans, beans the magical fruit
7. The tortilla is the perfect shape and size for religious apparitions and spiritual experiences
6. Manteca — it’s the new kombucha
5. Pronouncing “chipotle” deemed World’s Best Tongue Exercise by Women’s Love Commission
(PNS reporting from THE HATE STATE OF ARIZONA) It’s a mystery from history that’s too shiny to die:
Where exactly is Eldorado, the famed City of Gold built by ancient Aztlanians and hidden from the brutal “conquistadors?”
A swarm of recession-smacked out-of-towners asked the question again last week in Yuma County, AZ. The answer included injuries, Hollywood and politics as usual.
Mas…Searching for Eldorado’s City of Gold, modern ‘goldbugs’ infest AZ
Are you ready to boogie? Straight-up Texican boogie rocks the house eight to the bar in this 2009 Fabulocos show. The band is smokin’ — Mike Molina on drums, James Barrios on bass and Kid Ramos on guitar live in New Braunfels, TX. You can see in the video that it’s daytime in Texas. Luckily, damn daylight savings doesn’t mean it’s too early to boogie!
Gas is hella cheap in Mexico and gabachos with gas-guzzlers are going gaga South of the Border filling their gaping petrol holes. Here in Los United Estates, politically-aware cartoons (like Doonesbury) are getting censored.
This cartoon caca is old news to us: Last year, a cartoon by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was deemed racist by Huffington Post corporate bigwigs and got the editor of Brentwood.Patch.com fired. Turns out the editor is someone we know and love…
Based on actual stats, here are the Top Ten most popular stories this ñewsweek on Pocho.com:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Gasbacks swarm MX, corporate cartoon capers caca
East L.A. pochos Ollin channel Irish band the Pogues in Ollin’s Tenth Annual St. Patrick’s Day Pogues tribute at the Satellite in Silverlake tonight. And for us that’s a good excuse to feature this video as well as the super cool poster for the show (below.) Mira! The shamrock and the chile share the musical and artistic stage. Also we get to use this green font. Meanwhile, what is the deal with the Irish in Mexico?
Although many are shocked by presidential pretender Rick Santorum’s proposal to consider statehood for Puerto Rico if it drops Spanish and espeaks English, it turns out this idea is only the newest of his Brainfarts Brainstorms for America.
Here are the Pocho Ocho:
8. Mexico’s Los Tigres del Norte will be offered citizenship if they lose their stripes
7. Jews get to go to Catholic Heaven if they stop being, you know, Jews
6. African-Americans get access to high-paying Wall Street jobs when they straighten out that hair thing
(PNS reporting from TIJUANA) Soaring prices at the pump are sending Americans to El Otro Lado for a break on pricey petrol purchases, creating a furor over a new class of immigrants called “gasbacks.”
Mexican public opinion is all over map regarding the gas-guzzling gringos, who are pumping millions of dollares into Mexico by pumping millions of gallons of gas out of it.
Hang ten, pochos, with this super mellow old-school surf guitar instrumental from Lost Acapulco, the Mexico City surf, garage and punk band.
While some gas-hungry Americans — gasbacks — are sneaking South of the Border to take advantage of lower fuel prices, others aren’t so sure. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons gabachos don’t wanna go there:
8. They don’t want to get tucked and rolled.
7. Last time down there, a lengua burrito licked them back.
6. Mexican gas is stronger (Insert your own joke here.)
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons gringos are scared to go to Mexico for gas
8. Can outrun a G 55 AMG Mercedes with his church shoes on.
7. Takes the freeway to work with three dudes riding on the top of push cart.
6. Works downtown but has lunch in Mexico.
From December of 2010 through Spring 2011, I was the editor of Brentwood.Patch.com, the West Los Angeles outpost of AOL/Huffington Post’s “hyperlocal” news operation.
For Cinco de Mayo, I commissioned three stories: The real history of Cinco de Mayo as related by a professor at Mount St. Mary’s (Brentwood’s only college), the best places to celebrate with nachos and beer in Brentwood and a cartoon from my friend Lalo Alcaraz about how the Battle of Puebla is understood in Brentwood.
Mas…How Lalo Alcaraz got me fired from Patch.com – the true story
POCHO’s favorite candidate, the mariachi-like Mexican Mitt Romney, scored the combo plate of election success in the Super Taco Tuesday primaries but fellow Republican Rush Limbaugh stepped in a big pile of slut when he opened his fat mouth. Dear Rush: Are you finished? Then wipe yourself!
Here are some of the stories that made our ñewsweek:
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Sabado Pochonte Triple Feature! Cheech Marin’s collection of “small Chicano paintings” lights up the documentary Chicanitas, the black and white history of braceros comes to life in Harvest of Loneliness and the classic poem by Ruben Dario shimmers in the wordless animated Margarita.
Mas…Video Triple Feature! Cheech’s art + braceros + ‘Margarita’
POCHO has a cooking video from My Drunk Kitchen (tacos) and recipes from Tia Lencha’s Cocina (aphrodisiac salsa) but we’ve never wanted to taste anything as much as this extra special Fresh Guacamole! There’s more about how and why they make this video magic at the PES site. Molcajete optional.
TGIF Music Videos: Los Brioles are a crazed psychobilly trio from Spain. Dead men, like dead puppies, probably don’t have much fun, but they sure do rock!
But wait — there’s more! Dig this local cholobilly music video from Los Bandits who describe themselves this way:
Psychobilly, Rockabilly, Punk, Spanish guitar, Cumbia, and Mexican music that has an infiltration of Chicano based lyrics.
Mas…Los Brioles: ‘Hombres muertos no hacen ruido al caminar’ (videos)
8. If you spend your time looking up, someone will steal your wallet.
7. The only real flying object threat is a chancla.
6. We find the word “alien” pejorative and didactic. (Don’t hate on PhDs)
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t usually encounter UFOs (videos)
What do you think of this video of a UFO buzzing Mexico City?
Not really much video here, but a heartfelt performance of a very personal song. This classic ode to Pochismo is from San Diego’s Los Alacranes, featuring the late Chunky Sanchez.
Conan O’Brien’s show is more popular with Hispanic viewers than any other late-night program, the vaguely-talented host announced Monday night. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:
8. He has hair like everyone’s tio.
7. Hispanics think he is funny; Latinos don’t.
6. He has more Latino comedy writers than George Lopez did — one.
Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. My recipe today is inspire by a gringo who saw me drinking a Michelada with my comadre Mari Carmen cause it was Comadre’s Night Out. The gringo tole me, “Escuse me, is that a margarita?”
I wanted to say: No, is a Michelada, menso! But I think thas not classy and I put my hair all spray so I look classy. So I no say the menso part, even though I know he don’t know what menso means.
And you know what? In that momen, I had a revelation, like when Dios or tequila speaks to you…and I know… is my responsibility to teash the pochos about Micheladas.
So you wanna join a gang. Got a resume? (NSFW language.)
Here we are again, back on the old women are sluts kick. Or are we just still on it? Long before Rush Limbaugh ignorantly berated Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke, the tide has been rising against woman’s liberties. Limbaugh’s comments are just a caricature of the right-wing push back. The war on Planned Parenthood, defunding educational programs for unwed mothers, vaginal probes, bans on contraception; it’s like two steps forward 99 steps back.
White guy Billy Kimball gives Enrique Santos the “white” perspective on iLatino issues like dancing and citizenship, and clarifies a few details about early white immigrants, such as their dealings with documentation. But we have to ask: “Does Billy Kimball have a zucchini in his trousers or is he just happy to see Enrique?”
POCHO’s ñews team started the week in glossy Hollyweird and ended up scraping the crap off their shoes near Rush Limbaugh’s headquarters in La Floridita, but the big story of the week was the release of Mexican Mitt Romney’s music video/camapaign commercial.
Will the GOP wannabe become the nation’s first Latino president? And why does his MittShake bring all the viejas to yard? You’ll have to watch and figure it out yourself!
The Academy Awards were just around the corner from installation artist Ramiro Gomez Jr. so he made sure the neighborhood got to see normally-invisible Latino elements of the star-making machinery with a poignant installation on Hollywood Boulevard.
Grandmother Cricket (La Abuela Grillo) brings the rain when she sings and frees the people from the grip of the evil water cartel in this charming internationally-produced animated short. Based on the mythology of the Ayoreo people.
Now that Sheriff Joe Arpaio has evidence there’s something uppity with Pres. Barack Obama’s birth certificate, what’s next on his unsolved mysteries list?
8. Star Trek crewmen in red shirts who die early in the episode are also wearing pink chonies, but the Liberal Hollywood Establishment covers this up.
7. Every time you install a solar energy panel, a Texas oilman dies.
6. Wonder Bread actually builds bodies in 11 different ways but they won’t tell you that because those people want you to eat bread with stuff in it, like grains.
Mas…Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries
[If you liked the video, you can now own the song. Get it on iTunes ahora! Mexican Mitt's "(I Wanna Be) The First Latino President" ]
After sweeping both Arizona and Michigan –– he says it’s because the gringos won’t do it -– a certain South-of-the-Border candidate is clearing his way to “paint the White House brown!” The affable and mariachi-like Mexi-Mormon is a tough campaigner, and says he is “in it to guin it.” Mexican Mitt Romney, the Most Mexican Man in the World, wants to be the first Latino President. This is his story — in song.
Mas…Mexclusive: Mexican Mitt Romney for President (music video)
8. He only does a Rio Grande River Dance in wing tips.
7. He is not unfamous enough yet.
6. Body image issues, anticipating the Gaykeeper Sheriff Babeu will ogle him.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Daniel D. Portado isn’t ‘Dancing with the Stars’
Some cats and dogs are smarter than people, according to a recent report. But you already knew that, didn’t you? Sit. Sit. That’s a good pocho. Not convinced about the intelligence thing? You need to see these pussy cats perform Over the Rainbow.
In this very New York video, Jose – a tempestuous, toned and out-of-the-ordinary salsa dance teacher – is offering “private lessons.” Would you take him up on his offer?
From the fine folks at BeingLatino.us
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) GOP wannabe Mitt Romney’s Hispanic outreach coordinator Daniel D. Portado, the militant self-deportationist, wants you to stop by the big campaign rally today after you vote for Mitt. Meet your favorite Latino-loving politicians like Gov. Jan Brewer, Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Sheriff Paul Babeu.
“You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard, some that you recognise, some that you’ve hardly even heard of. People who worked and suffered and struggled for fame, some who succeeded and some who suffered in vain,” according to the Kinks.
But artist Ramiro Gomez Jr. — whose art installations make the invisible visible — will have none of that. That’s why, on Sunday, Oscar Day, on Hollywood Boulevard, he positioned an image of one of the ubiquitous but unacknowledged Latinos who survive on the fringes of “The Industry.” One of those dudes you see hanging out on corners selling tourists “Maps to the Stars’ Homes.”
Mas…You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard