Cultura

It’s Not News to Us

Unreal! Cholula and Tapatio Denny’s sex tape is espicy! (NSFW video)

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Like Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben, these two salsa estrellas were made for each other. But we never thought we’d see a Señorita Cholula/Señor Tapatio sex tape with them doin’ the nasty at Denny’s. And now you can, too. POCHO.COM – where sharing is caring. (NSFW simulated adult activities: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they hug each other with a very special hug…)

Mayan Apocalypse 2012: Meet the word’s first burrito-making robot

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Screenshot of the Burritob0t project page
A cute logo is included with every burrito!

Yes, we know the TacoCopter, the food-delivering unmanned aerial vehicle, was a gosh darn internet hoax, but this new Burritob0t with a web page and tech specs and photos filled with truthiness is the real thing. We swear!

TechCrunch reports:

So this guy at NYU made something special. Are you listening? Put down your phone. Listen. So they made a machine that prints… no, don’t check Twitter. They made a machine that prints burritos. It’s called Burritob0t. I know, right? Seriously. Slow down with the porn for a second. This is important.

Mas…Mayan Apocalypse 2012: Meet the word’s first burrito-making robot

Pocho Ocho things those darn kids are doing instead of playing outside

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Pochitos: Descubre el bosque

According to a recent study, only six percent of Latino kids regularly play outdoors. So, if they’re not outside “enjoying” nature, what are those darn kids doing now?

8. Usando el Fiesbook.

7. Reading Erí Potter books.

6. Creating top-secret taco recipes they will never share with gringos.

Mas…Pocho Ocho things those darn kids are doing instead of playing outside

My friend went to Tokyo and all I got was this Tex-Mex bar video

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Featuring a stereotypical “Mexican font,” the Virgen, a bottle of tequila, a poorly-painted taco and Mexican and Texican flags, the art direction and commercial for this Tex-Mex bar and restaurant leave no cliche unused. Same old same old, eh? But wait — this joint is in Tokyo’s jumping Roppongi night clubbing neighborhood. Is this an offensive advertisement, or would it be a relief for sore eyes and a growling estomach if you were in Nippon? Wouldn’t a cold Negra Modelo be nice right now, pocho-san?

Doctors discover natural, instant antidote for unwanted erections

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Doctors here have discovered an all-natural, fast-acting antidote to unwanted, persistent erections caused by Viagra.

The “erectile dysfunction” drug when taken in excess (and sometimes when taken normally) can cause serious cardiovascular and nerve damage, just like the familiar warnings say.

“We sort of made the discovery by accident when one of our study participants shared his home remedy for overcoming the powerful effects of Viagra,” Dr. Phillip Werner of the University of Texas Health Science Center told a press conference Monday:

The truth is that, often, as physicians we all too often turn to drugs to counteract other drugs when the answer is staring us in the face — literally.

Mas…Doctors discover natural, instant antidote for unwanted erections

PochoCast #5: Alcaraz y Madrigal on face-chewing and boobs (NSFW)

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POCHO primos Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz and Migrant Editor Al Madrigal chop, channel and lower the ñews:

  • Miami munchies and Canadian cannibals
  • Salma Hayek’s boob optimization
  • POCHO web traffic
  • Wisconsin recall
  • Organized labor
  • Lalo’s copyright trouble on Facebook
  • These kids today

— Produced by Jefe de Creative Marcelo Ziperovich. (NSFW language.)

Mathematician: Chicanos have only one degree of separation

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS)  All people have six degrees of separation? Hells, nah! A new study by an area mathematician begs to differ.

“The truth is that, for Chicanos, there is only a single degree of separation,” says UCLA Ph.D. mathematics candidate Beto Pérez, of Painter Avenue in Whittier. “I’ve done a global calculation based on a plethora of factors and concluded that journalist Frigyes Karinthy’s theory of the general population does not apply to Chicanos.”

Pérez published his findings in article and photo essay titled, “Inlakesh: Chicano Identity One-On-One,”  in the June issue of National Geographic.

“First of all, most Chicanos have too many primos,” he told PNS, “and therefore there are never too many people you won’t know. When you add in homies and rucas, plus tíos and tías, plus people you start calling “compadres” five minutes after you meet them, you never even get to the point where more than three degrees of separation are required,” Pérez said.

Mas…Mathematician: Chicanos have only one degree of separation

Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerrero: Good vs evil, plus a little kid (video)

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The late, “despicable” wrestling pocho Eddie Guerrero insists opponent Rey Mysterio seat his son Dominic Mysterio ringside — so the son will witness Guerrero’s trimumph over his dad, up close and personal. Will Mysterio be so pre-occupied with his son’s safety that he’ll lose focus and let Guerrero’s distraction trick work its evil magic?

Evil wrestling superstar Eddie Guerrero? Wikipedia has the deets:

Mas…Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerrero: Good vs evil, plus a little kid (video)

Dear Mr. Politically-Correct Burrito Preservationist: WTF?

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God bless America, and the moo-shu pork burrito

This guy Juan Faura is all pissed off because burritos aren’t just the way he wants them to be anymore. Now they have icky stuff in them. Breakfast stuff sometimes. Bleu cheese even. The Horror!

Bleu cheese and chikken (yes with two Ks) with thyme “burrito” really?  Burrito?  What is going on?  I’ll tell you what’s going on, someone has come in the dead of night and quietly, with full knowledge and malice, abducted our beloved “burrito”.

Definitions can be either prescriptive or descriptive. You can prescribe that a puro pizza must be made with tomato, basil and cheese only, or it isn’t really a pizza. Or describe that in wacky Califas, we have Thai barbecued chicken pizzas, and carnitas picsa and Oh! there’s The Horror again.

People are always trying to keep things “pure.” In Spain, the Royal Academy wants to regulate Spanish. Words they don’t like — new words, loan words, Spanglish words that are actually spoken — are forbidden. They fight a losing battle, because the only constant in language is change, despite the king and his court.

This mad delusion is everywhere. In poor, flooded Bangla Desh, they are trying to outlaw the mixture of Bengali and English called Banglish. POCHO pities the fools.

Mas…Dear Mr. Politically-Correct Burrito Preservationist: WTF?

Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)

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Join us, wan't you?

[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.

C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.

These are our guiding principles:

Pillar 1: Immigration

Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.

Mas…Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)

Here’s the winner of our ‘caption this POCHO photo contest’

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The response was huge after we posted a snapshot from the notorious American Apparel California Farmer ad that has been decried and debated, and even spoofed by artist Julio Salgado.

This pic is striking, regardless of what you think of it, making it a prime candidate for CAPTION THIS POCHO PHOTO. The judges had to sort through a mound of over 60 entries, many hilarious, some painful, one an accusation of racism, but we finally picked one. It wasn’t easy, but the POCHO Caption Selection Committee selected the caption by the poster known as

Mas…Here’s the winner of our ‘caption this POCHO photo contest’

What to wear in Monterrey when listening to cumbia and huffing glue

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We don’t really know what to say about this, so we’ll let VICE tell the story in this report from Monterrey, MX:

Every Sunday afternoon, after dancing all weekend at bars and clubs around town, a bunch of Mexican Colombianos gather outside the 7-Eleven at the bottom of the Latino Tower in downtown Monterrey. Taking their cues from LA’s cholos and some mythical ideal of tropical Colombia, they wear huge plaid and Hawaiian shirts over the baggiest Dickies you’ve ever seen. These are color-coordinated with their Converse and shoelaces whenever possible (one kid we met rotates four pairs of Chucks with seven different colors of laces) and then topped with a customized baseball cap worn just tight enough that it doesn’t cover their whole head but gingerly rests on their bangs. Every visible inch of hat space is cluttered with airbrushed or embroidered writing, including its wearer’s nickname, his girlfriend’s name, his clique’s name, the radio station he listens to, the neighborhood he’s from, etc.

Mas…What to wear in Monterrey when listening to cumbia and huffing glue

Caption this POCHO photo, win a Mexican Mitt Romney poster

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In the comments section below, caption this photo with your funniest, cleverest or stupidest possible line. Winner gets a Mexican Mitt Romney poster!

Contest ends at 6PM Pacifico time. Employees of POCHO and their families are not eligible so please stop trying to win already, Linda, we know who you are.

All entries become the property of POCHISMO, INC., a California corporation who is also a person according to the Supreme Court, and this person can get very yealous, so watchate.

Offer not valid in jurisdictions where it is not valid and and also in places where you are not valid. Arizona we’re looking at you!

UPDATE: Here’s our winner!

UNESCO adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list

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(PNS reporting from GENEVA) The U.N.’s Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has added Salma Hayek’s breasts to the official list of the world’s greatest cultural assets.

Joining the Pyramids in Egypt, the Eiffel Tower in France, the Taj Mahal in India and the Great Wall of China, the Mexican-American actresses’ ample bosom is now acclaimed as one of the great “Cultural Wonders of the World.”

According to UNESCO, Hayek’s bodacious tatas  give untold numbers of young (and old) men around the world a “sense of identity and continuity” that promotes “respect for cultural diversity and human creativity.”

Committee Chair Dr. André Moreau noted that Hayek’s contributions to Hollywood films of the 1990s in which you can almost see her breasts and charity work that requires her to dress up her choice chi-chis in expensive gowns have both been pivotal to the American male psyche.

Mas…UNESCO adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list

Atomic TV: Masks, Monsters & Mexican Mayhem (video)

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They do public access TV differently in Baltimore:

Hosted by Nashville’s rockin’ combo Los Straitjackets… Masked Mexican Wrestlers!… The real international man of mystery, El Santo!… Mexican monster movies… Mondo films… People eating Parasites – and The Dead!… Spanish Superhero El Barrio vs. Tony the Landlord in the squared circle… Meet a Roman Catholic Masked Wrestler Priest!… plus an assortment of vintage Atomic Scare Films and Civil Defense Messages and old Natty Boh commercials.

And you may ask yourself ‘How did I get here?’

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People come to POCHO for unexpected reasons, or at least reasons we never expected. Did they see a link on Facebook (most of our traffic starts there)? Did they get a link in email? Did they see something on Twitter? Did they search with Google? Did a link on another site lead to POCHO?

We like it best when PNS Pocho Ñews Service stories snare the unwary — it’s like we have passed the “truthiness” sniff test and our faux news seems real enough to make people believe.

We get thousands of visitors looking for a certain fictitious Vegas casino, pit bull owners concerned about their breed’s reputation and gossip-lovers seeking the latest news about Eve Mendes.

Do these random visitors know where they ended up?

Mas…And you may ask yourself ‘How did I get here?’

Letter from the Editor: Respect the pinche artist (*updated)

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Yesterday I drew and subsequently shared on Facebook my syndicated editorial cartoon on Dolores Huerta receiving her Presidential Medal of Freedom (above.)

Many of you shared it, as was my request. Thank you! We are all proud of the living legend Dolores Huerta, and the respect she has garnered, especially this week.

However one person, an FB user named Steven downloaded my heartfelt artwork, defaced it and even removed my name and made his own anti-Obama and Dolores Huerta statement. His political opinion is not the issue here. I have held much the same anti-political parties opinion in the past. What has angered me is the disrespect to my work as an artist. Let me explain why, just to be completely clear.

Mas…Letter from the Editor: Respect the pinche artist (*updated)

Smithsonian adds iconic Nike Cortez to permanent shoe exhibition

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) In what is being heralded as a major step towards recognition of the role of Latinos in our Nation’s history, the Smithsonian this week premiered its latest exhibit: the iconic Nike Cortez athletic shoe.

The shoe, a fixture of Latino culture since the 1980s, becomes a permanent part of the Smithsonian’s collection and may pave the way for inclusion of other Latino footwear in the future, such as exemplars from Stacy Adams, chanclas y pantuflas.

The Cortez will go on display near other American footwear, including Dorothy’s ruby red slippers from The Wizard of Oz, the first pair of Chuck Taylors, the shoe that almost hit George W. Bush in the face in Iraq and others.

Mas…Smithsonian adds iconic Nike Cortez to permanent shoe exhibition

Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)

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Abuela knows best, amirite?

She recommends these old-fashioned remedios for whatever ails you:

8. Chile

Does it matter that you don’t eat chile? Or that this special hot sauce will burn a hole in your ulcer? No, eat it, you’ll see how much better you feel.

7. Nopal or linaza (cactus or flax seed)

If there’s something wrong with you, let’s flush it out. Sure, you will be spending the next week in the bathroom, but by the time you come out, whatever was ailing you will be long gone.

6. Rubbing an egg all over you while saying a prayer. (Una limpia con huevo)

Did your abuelita learn this ritual in church? Hell no, but for whatever reason, when she’s rubbing a cold egg all over you saying a Catholic prayer, it somehow makes you feel better. By the time that egg sucks up whatever evil eye someone gave you, the idea that this ritual is strange and old world will have slipped your mind.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)

Carmen’s Mexican Wake Up Call Service is guaranteed (NSFW video)

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Even though it’s Tuesday, it feels like Monday, right? And it was hard to get up when the alarm rang this morning, right? When you absolutely, positively can’t oversleep, try Carmen’s Mexican Wake Up Call Service. You’ll be wide awake in no #$@%#%%^ time! (NSFW language.)

Navajo Rangers keep ‘open mind’ on Bigfoot, UFO reports (videos)

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OpenMinds.TV reports: “The Navajo Rangers have been modestly performing their duties on the reservation for more than 50 years…[and]…their investigations have included UFO sightings, paranormal cases and Bigfoot.”

In March, the Rangers’ work attracted the attention of the news team at the local CBS TV station. Here’s their exclusive news video:

Mas…Navajo Rangers keep ‘open mind’ on Bigfoot, UFO reports (videos)

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