El Now
It’s News to Us!
Chipotle warns of climate-change-caused avocado shortage
If the Planet Earth continues to heat up, that’s bad news for avocados, the Chipotle Mexican Grill people warn. Bottom line? Your guac might be fuacked.
The fast food chain goes through 97,000 pounds of avocados every day, and they’re concerned.
From The Smithsonian Magazine:
Mas…Chipotle warns of climate-change-caused avocado shortage
El Chapo Chronicles: Too many Guzmans confuse New Jersey Jews’ news
(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here.
The Shopper mistakenly included a photo of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.
Mas…El Chapo Chronicles: Too many Guzmans confuse New Jersey Jews’ news
‘Game of Thrones’ inspires exotic pet cross breed chupacabras
Claude Griffen, from Gotcha Pest Control in Houston, knows ’em when he see ’em.
The mysterious chupacabra sightings plaguing this Texas city, he says, are encounters with weird cross breed pets inspired by television.
Reliable source Disinfo.com reports:
“It was very vicious, very long, longer than a human,” said Claude Griffen from Gotcha Pest control, who was brought into check out the photos. “It was a pretty big animal, very well fed.”
Houston animal control officials said they have heard of people trying to breed dogs that look like so-called direwolves from the TV show Game of Thrones.
Mas…‘Game of Thrones’ inspires exotic pet cross breed chupacabras
Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest
(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan.
“It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one hand, illegal drugs are now utterly and completely vanquished from our streets. On the other, (Hidalgo County) Commissioners Court has already cut our budget for next year by 90 percent.”
Treviño, who was reached while fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, responded to Guzmán’s capture like many of his counterparts at all levels of law enforcement nationwide: by quietly folding his office’s entire narcotics unit and slashing the rest of the criminal investigations division from a staff of hundreds down to five full-time deputies.
Mas…Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest
Damn werewolves! Brazilian city sets 9PM curfew (video)
The Brazilian city of Sao Goncalo dos Campos, in the Metropolitan Region of Feira de Santana, set 9 PM curfew last month. Damn werewolves.
Even the government officials are taking it seriously. Apparently, for the last two weeks there’s been a curfew in the town; no one is to be outside after 9 PM. It started when a man identified only as “Pingo” described seeing a five-foot-tall black monster, which ran at him; Pingo turned and fled, escaping (he said) only by the narrowest of margins. At first, the other villagers made fun of him — until others had similar encounters. Locals are calling it a “werewolf….”
Forget Los Oscars: Mira Los Hectors©! POCHO’s Annual Awards
Behold, The Hectors©, bestowed for Excellence in Mockability.
The Hectors© are named for POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’ cousin Hector (photo), who is excellent at ruining family gatherings, especially when he has downed his third 12-pack. He hasn’t seen a film since Blood In, Blood Out.
And the Hector© goes to:
Mas…Forget Los Oscars: Mira Los Hectors©! POCHO’s Annual Awards
¡Hasta luego, El Chapo! (toon)
(Based on a stunning World War II American government propaganda poster, Americanos Todos, by Luis Helguera. Click on the image for the full-sized hi-res version.)
Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies
Selfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page.
8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face.
7. The “I’m in the bathroom but I swear I didn’t just take a shit” selfie featuring a peace sign, your face, the bathroom mirror and the toilet you just used in the background.
6. The “Look I have friends, I swear” selfie with a group of people you never talk about or reference, but refer to as “besties,” “bros,” or “homies” every few months in the selfies you take together.
Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) During his morning coffee break, local accountant, Lawrence “Lencho” Flores, completed a survey that appeared on his Facebook timeline called, What Selena Character are You? According to sources, Flores was deeply disappointed with the result of Yolanda Saldivar as his character.
According to the quiz, Flores is Yolanda Saldivar who “when you feel slighted, watch out!”
Mas…Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result
UFO/OVNI hovers over park in the Yucatan — what is it? (video)
The video shows the bright object hovering over Los Almedros II Park in Ciudad Caucel, in the Yucutan.
A putative UFO was recorded on video on 11 February 2014. The videographer adds that it was recorded at 22:00 hours on that day, adding: “I’m not saying it’s a spaceship, but it is an unidentified flying object.”
Mas…UFO/OVNI hovers over park in the Yucatan — what is it? (video)
Colombia hipsters take off their pants for freedom (video)
Do you pochos know the Post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy? It’s an argument — a false one — that asserts that if one event follows another, the first event caused the second.
Thank God it’s a fallacy. Two weeks ago POCHO’s Subcommandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón was in Colombia. And then, over the weekend, Colombian hipsters were marching down the streets of Medellin in their chonies.
Geneticist: Peru’s giant deformed skulls are not human
“After testing samples from five of Peru’s 300 elongated Paracas skulls, a geneticist has finally released the results and they are mind-blowing,” The Anomalist reports:
The mysterious skulls found … within a gigantic graveyard contain mitochondrial DNA that shows mutations not found in humans. In other words, these guys were not human. Or at the very least were human-like.
Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games
(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Hundreds of competitors and an equal number of spectators are expected for the opening of the first Xochitl Games here tomorrow.
The so-called “Indigenous Olympics,” organized by the Nahuatl Athletic Council Organization (NACO), hopes to share some of the buzz from the regular Winter Olympics, in Sochi.
NACO is especially counting on people who are unsure how to spell the name of the Black Sea resort city in the Google search window, or even better, can’t spell when booking airplane and hotel reservations through Travelocity.
Mas…Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games
Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life
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(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams.
“You know, I think it was Fate — with a capital ‘F.’ It was 3:42 PM on a Thursday and I was feeling frustrated at my account manager job at an international insurance company. I felt a spiritual lightness I had never experienced before,” the Arlington Heights man told PNS.
“It was amazing, like all my ennui and weltschmerz was gone!”
Mas…Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life
Mexican biologists wonder: Where have all the axolotls gone?
You know those uber-cute salamander-like axolotls who are native to the lake system in and around Mexico City? They’re gone.
Growing up to a foot long (30 cm) and known as the “water monster” or the “Mexican walking fish”, its only natural habitat is the Xochimilco network of lakes and canals, which are suffering from pollution and urban sprawl.
Biologist Armando Tovar Garza, of Mexico’s National Autonomous University, described an attempt last year by researchers to try to net axolotls in the shallow, muddy waters of Xochimilco as “four months of sampling zero axolotls”.
Mas…Mexican biologists wonder: Where have all the axolotls gone?
Face of Jesus appears on toe of New Mexican woman (video)
¡K milagro! A miracle! After New Mexican Paula Osuna’s fiancé Sikey Benavidez rubbed holy dirt on her bruised toe, the face of Jesus Christ appeared! KRQE News 13 reports.
PREVIOUSLY ON JESUS CHRIST:
Mas…Face of Jesus appears on toe of New Mexican woman (video)
New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’
(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.”
“Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,” lead researcher Dr. Germán Gutiérrez told a press conference here Tuesday. “They supply magical sounds, as well as protein and lots of fiber.”
Mas…New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’
Breaking: Here’s how Obama plans to ‘give America a raise’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Barack Obama plans to use his executive powers to raise the minimum wage for employees of Federal contractors and he wants corporate executives and local and state officials to do the same.
“Give America a raise!” he said in his State of the Union address Tuesday night:
In the coming weeks, I will issue an Executive Order requiring federal contractors to pay their federally-funded employees a fair wage of at least $10.10 an hour – because if you cook our troops’ meals or wash their dishes, you shouldn’t have to live in poverty.
Additional Obama initiatives are aimed at the Latino community. Sources close to the President have told PNS to expect the Administration to implement these additional programs in the coming weeks:
Mas…Breaking: Here’s how Obama plans to ‘give America a raise’
Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union
White House insiders indicate the President’s State of the Union address tonight will have a few surprises for the Congressional and TV audiences.
Here are the top eight:
8. The NSA will intercept Republicans’ text messages to each other and display them on the JumboTron in real time
7. President Obama will be sporting snazzy new Uncle Sugar costume
6. Mass wedding performed according to Sharia Law
Mas…Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union
Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold
(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night.
“He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So lame!” Martinez, 25, lamented to PNS.
“Why do guys always have to lie about how big their pipis are?!”
Loya, 28, an architect, was quiet after leaving Martinez’s rent-controlled apartment, shivering, pacing on the sidewalk, looking up at her window, hoping she would give him a chance to explain.
Mas…Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold
Obama’s List: Pocho Ocho things more dangerous than alchohol
Former stoner Barack Obama doesn’t think marijuana “is more dangerous than alcohol,” according to The New Yorker:
“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol,” the president said.
But if mota is not more dangerous than alcohol, what is? Here are the top eight contenders:
Mas…Obama’s List: Pocho Ocho things more dangerous than alchohol