El Now

It’s News to Us!

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

by

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) warned Wednesday that “radical Islamists” are being “trained to act like Hispanic[s]” and cross the U.S.-Mexico border.

“We know Al Qaeda, which has changed its name to Al Pastor, has camps with the drug cartels over there on the other side of the Mexican border,” he warned on C-SPAN.

“Arabs are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanics instead of radical Islamists. They teach them to say ‘homeboy’ instead of ‘habibi,’ they show them how to watch ‘telenovelas’ instead of Bin Laden videos. It’s pure evil!”

Mas…Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

Breaking: Immigration plan includes MIGRA clone army

by

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The “Gang of Eight” immigration reform plan revealed yesterday mandates a Border Patrol Agent Clone Army, according to details released by Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL.)

“Two hundred thousand clones are immediately available for deployment on the border” when the bill passes, a jubilant Rubio said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. “The minute Obama signs the bill, we’ll send in the clones!”

Mas…Breaking: Immigration plan includes MIGRA clone army

Immigration Reform 2013: Where exactly is the ‘reform’ part? (video)

by


The long-anticipated “comprehensive immigration reform bill” is set to be introduced to the public by a bi-partisan group of legislators today.

What exactly is the “Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act of 2013?”

The compromise proposal won’t cover all the people here without legal status, for one thing, nor will it create a lasting change — reform — of the immigration system.

What it will do, though, is line the pockets of security contractors via $3 billion dollars for “border security.”

Mas…Immigration Reform 2013: Where exactly is the ‘reform’ part? (video)

Pocha Podcast #2: Sexism, feminism, football and IT (NSFW audio)

by

Pochas Elise Roedenbeck and me, Sara Inés Calderón, have a grand old time talking about sexism and feminism. Isn’t it interesting that, even though the U.S. had a “feminist movement,” we have never elected a woman president, and the wage gap between men and women in Latin America is smaller than it is here?

And other sexist stuff: What about football, how sexist is that, ey? And IT? Being a woman in the U.S. may seem like fun and games, given that whole reproductive rights discussion, but there are some downsides.

Mas…Pocha Podcast #2: Sexism, feminism, football and IT (NSFW audio)

PNS*Hot*Flash: California Gov. Jerry Brown bans big burritos

by

(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Repeating his “small is beautiful” mantra from the 1970s, California Gov. Jerry Brown has taken steps to ban burritos that weigh more than one pound.

“We’re facing an obesity epidemic in the Golden State,” Brown told a press conference here this morning, “and I wouldn’t be the guy who shtupped Latina Linda Ronstadt back in the day if I didn’t travel to the beat of a different drum.”

Brown has issued an executive order directing inspectors from Cal/OSHA (the California Occupational Hazard and Safety Administration) to cite and penalize restaurants that serve massive San Francisco-style “Mission burritos.”

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: California Gov. Jerry Brown bans big burritos

Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

by


Happy Tax Day, pochos! This week on MiJA I discuss the near conclusion of back-room negotiations on immigration “reform” and delve deep into the heart of the Internets to discover Barbies of the World. You think Mexican Barbie is bad — Peruvian Barbie comes with an anchor baby (and she’s not the worst of them!)

Mas…Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

First Person: My moment with Marco Rubio and his big Cuban butt

by


I remember the high school student version of Marco Rubio, with his neatly-pressed shirts always tucked in, his toothy smile and his bleached white socks. But most of all, I remember his butt.

The Cuban man butt holds a special place in my heart — it’s a thing of wonder and mystery. Why Cuban men have big butts I may never know. However, there are some gifts you just don’t question. You don’t look a gift butt in the mouth.

We only had one brief encounter, Marco and me. For months I had watched him from the other end of the cafeteria at South Miami Senior High School. He’d drink 7-Up and laugh with his friends about Michael Dukakis. I never had the nerve to say much of anything. Until that day.

Mas…First Person: My moment with Marco Rubio and his big Cuban butt

PNS*Hot*Flash: Prep classmates call Kim Jong Un ‘a fun dude’

by

(PNS reporting from SWITZERLAND) North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un is actually “a fun dude,” according to his classmates at the elite Swiss prep school Institut Le Rosey.

The five 1998 grads are planning to endorse Kim (yearbook photo, right) on his LinkedIn and Klout accounts before he starts a nuclear war next week.

They were all close friends at the international boarding school, said to be the world’s most expensive, which has traditionally educated the children of world leaders.

“Kim is totally awesome and hella bro,” classmate Chip Al-Assad told PNS in a Skype conference call Friday.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Prep classmates call Kim Jong Un ‘a fun dude’

Tia Lencha sues Mattel over ‘Mexican Barbie’: They estole me!

by

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Tia Lencha, the homemaker and divorced mother of one who stars in the homespun internet hit “Tia Lencha’s Cocina,” is suing Mattel over its “Mexican Barbie” doll, seeking $750,000 in damages.

Tia Lencha’s federal lawsuit, filed in New York Monday, claims the toymaker is “engaging in the unauthorized use of (her) wardrobe, likeness, image and attributes” as a woman who wears Mexican folkloric dance outfits for no apparent reason.

Tia Lencha never gave Mattel permission to market the doll or use her endorsement to promote it, according to the filing.

The suit says that Tia Lencha has cornered the market on being unrealistically Mexican and that the doll “captures the essence of the stereotypically stereotypical Mexican lady as well as her sideways ponytail and flower adornment on her head.”

Mas…Tia Lencha sues Mattel over ‘Mexican Barbie’: They estole me!

Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

by

(PNS reporting from OUTER ESPACE) Let that long-held breath out, folks. The Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer has picked up a lot of mysterious antimatter in low Earth orbit recently – but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign of falling Mexi-matter, AKA “Space Mexicans” falling to Earth, according to NASA.

In fact, even with the 400,000 pocho-particles picked up by the cosmic ray experiment – the largest number of such particles ever analyzed in outer espace — it’s unclear whether those pocho-particles result from decaying Mexicans left over from building the International Space Station, or simply from Mexicans shot into space from various border patrol agencies over the year.

The ambitious $1.6-billion Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer is roughly 10 times more sensitive to Meximatter than its predecessors. The detector, which was ferried on the Space Shuttle Endeavour (also built by Mexicans) to the International Space Station in 2011, has picked up billions of pocho-particles since then.

Mas…Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

by

Associated Press (AP), the cooperative news service used by print, broadcast and online media, today dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from its stylebook:

‘Illegal immigrant’ no more
Posted on 04/02/2013 by Paul Colford
The AP Stylebook today is making some changes in how we describe people living in a country illegally.

Senior Vice President and Executive Editor Kathleen Carroll explains the thinking behind the decision:

The Stylebook no longer sanctions the term “illegal immigrant” or the use of “illegal” to describe a person. Instead, it tells users that “illegal” should describe only an action, such as living in or immigrating to a country illegally…. [Continued at AP]

But that’s not all! Here are the Pocho Ocho other designations dropped by AP:

8. Chancla-throwers

7. Elote-eaters

6. Paleta people

Mas…AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

PNS*Hot*Flash: Alumni magazine gives Encino man the sad

by

(PNS reporting from ENCINO) San Fernando Valley homeowner Donald Murietta was depressed most of   Saturday afternoon after reading the latest issue of The Pennsylvania Gazette, the alumni magazine of the University of Pennsylvania.

Murietta, a 1998 Penn graduate, first turned to the obituary section when the glossy monthly arrived with the 2PM mail delivery, and that’s when his ball-breaking downer began.

News of the February 12 death (a tragic fish-pickling accident in Rochester, NY) of old girlfriend Leslie Sonnenshein (nee Baldwin), Class of 1999, set off a cascade of emotions that started at the top with their intense makeout session at that SAE party after the Princeton game and ended at the bottom with a very public breakup in the Van Pelt Library right before Christmas, which was totally his fault because he fucked that girl Candi.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Alumni magazine gives Encino man the sad

It’s Cesar Chavez’s birthday, and Google threw a Doodle party

by

Late Saturday night, as I searched for some historical images for a new history book I’m illustrating, I saw that Google had finally honored farm labor icon Cesar Chavez with their “Google Doodle.”

My first thought (and tweet) was, “Brace yourselves for anti-Mexican, anti-immigrant, anti-Cesar Chavez racist hate from internet Christians on their Holy Day.”  Faster than you could pull up a thousand images of the Mexican-American hero on Google Images, the harsh comments started rolling in.

As I called it, a few hateful internet Christians declared jihad on Google because it’s not a Jesus Christ Doodle or their main religious figure, the Easter Bunny (historical image below). 

Mas…It’s Cesar Chavez’s birthday, and Google threw a Doodle party

Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK) [audio]

by

Meet Congressman Don Young, a Republican from Alaska, who just called agricultural laborers who once worked on his father’s ranch “wetbacks.”

In a radio interview Thursday with KRDB this fine American legislator was full of the kind of wisdom that has inspired the deep thoughts of his homegirl, Sarah Palin, and assorted white power NRA-voting posses, militias and tea parties across the U.S. of A.

A three-second clip is at the bottom of this story. Play it here or download it and make it into a ring tone, or an auto-tuned viral meme! Thanks to KRDB for the audio. Oh, and here are the phone numbers for all the Congressman’s offices.

Mas…Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK)

Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

by

(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Pedro Quezada, the Garden State bodega owner who won Saturday’s $338 million Powerball jackpot, says his old life of selling Flamin’Hot Cheetos and malt liquor is all behind him now and he now plans a future helping those in need.

The Dominican immigrant, who purchased the lottery ticket at Eagle Liquor in Passaic, didn’t know the store had sold the lucky ducat or that he was the big winner when he went to check, he told PNS in an interview Thursday.

“When they looked, the clerk at the counter told me congratulations,” Quezada said. “Then he said we were cousins, even though he is a Hindu gentleman.” 

Mas…Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

I’m not that all that into marriage, but I support marriage equality

by

I was at a party the other night when a group of women asked me how long I’ve been with my boyfriend. Oh boy.

I told them six years and braced myself for the onslaught of “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED! HE NEEDS TO GIVE YOU A RING! BLABLABLABLA” and so on and so forth.

As a woman who consciously chooses not to get married, I’m constantly dealing with this sort of thing. People just don’t understand why.

Is my boyfriend a commitment-phobe? Are we swingers? Are we not serious? Never are we thought of as a happy stable couple content to just enjoy each other’s company.

No, something must be wrong with us.

Mas…I’m not that all that into marriage, but I support marriage equality

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

by

(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) The media may question the newly-elected pontiff’s ethnicity, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio firmly believes that Pope Francis is Latino.

“His real name is Jorge and he speaks Spanish. I’m damn sure he is a Latino; he’s probably a Mexican, ” Arpaio told the monthly breakfast meeting of the Sons of the Arizona Indian Wars Wednesday.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

by

(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.

The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.

“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.

“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”

Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

by

(PNS reporting from ALLENTOWN) If you’re a fan of the baseball minor league IronPigs in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley, urine luck next time you catch a home game at Coca-Cola Park in Allentown.

The urinals in the men’s rooms at the stadium now feature pee-powered video game consoles where writing your name as a high scorer is just a zip away.

WPVI Channel 6 Action News in nearby Philadelphia explains:

The screen above the urinal goes into game mode when the user approaches. The games, including alpine skiing, monitor the user’s aim to test their agility and knowledge.

Users will receive their score upon completion, which officials say is an average of over 55 seconds.

Users with high scores will be happy to know that they will be displayed in real-time across various videoboard displays within Coca-Cola Park.

Mas…Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

+ Load More Posts