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Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

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In a much-criticized move, Mexico has finished construction of the border wall to keep out assholes from the United Estates.

American officials were mum after their own calls for more enforcement on this side of the border, but some politicians are mad enough to consider canceling their own Mexican spring break vacations.

Mas…Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

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Farmworkers showing up at Honduras Congressman Valentin Suárez’ farm near Comayagua last week “found dozens of dead sheep with injuries to their necks. Others had bled to death. Nearly 42 animals were lifeless and another 10 injured,” according to the Inexplicata blog, translating a report from Honduras’ La Prensa:

The cost of each animal is between 1000 and 1,500 lempiras [$50-75]…. Suarez said that the farm’s staff will keep a nocturnal watch in the hopes of finding any clue that may clarify the situation.

Mas…Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

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I remember being 16. I was stupid…but not that stupid.

I keep thinking about the Steubenville rape case and I can’t get the phrase “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” out of my head.

People aren’t sure who to blame, whether it’s a larger problem that encompasses the parents, the football culture, the entire town. You can chalk it up and say, “Oh they’re just young teens being stupid,” but the truth is, by the time you are 17 you are grown-ass-up enough to know right from wrong.

Mas…Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) The creators of the miniseries The Bible and the History Channel are denying reports that the character Satan intentionally resembles President Barack Obama.

Producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey dismissed what they called “ridiculous” reports that their mini-series cast the ultimate villain with an actor looked like the President.

“This is utter nonsense. The actor who played Satan, Mehdi Ouzaani, is a highly acclaimed Moroccan actor,” they said in a statement released today.

“He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics– including dark-skinned Kenyan socialist Marxist dictators, and other Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our treasonous, drone-launching Black Panther President.”

Mas…History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.

With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.

“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”

Mas…GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

Father Guido Sarducci: Afraid of poison, Pope Francis cooks own food

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Vatican Correspondent for the Vatican Enquirer Father Guido Sarducci called in on Special Assignment Friday afternoon to the Pocho Hour of Power radio show on KPFK.

Father Sarducci, who we all first met on Saturday Night Live, gave a behind-the-velvet-robe look into the recent Papal Conclave in Rome. Hear him dish on the plans for The Pope Emeritus and hear what Pope name Father Sarducci himself would have taken, if called to higher service.

Holy smoke signal, this is funny!

PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope ‘Don’ Francisco I swaps Latino for Latin

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BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from THE VATICAN) With the selection of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as Pope “Call Me Don” Francisco I, winds of change are blowing from the Western and Southern Hemispheres to refresh the stale air of Rome.

The first big change, PNS has learned, is the gradual replacement of Latin in church communications and prayers with the more widely-spoken and understood Latino language.

Other expected changes:

Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

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The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting  other aspects of American government.

Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:

8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays

7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000

6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week

Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

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The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope.  In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.

Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”

But that’s not all!  Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:

8. Green smoke:  Habemus frogam

7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous

6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?

Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out

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THIS JUST IN: (PNS reporting from REDMOND, WA) Former Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy, fired after a controversial career just trying to help some people out for crissake, will come out as gay in a forthcoming tell-all autobiography, PNS has learned.

The book, tentatively titled ☑ Don’t Ask Me Again, details Clippy’s crush on icon rival Happy Mac (photo), tempestuous meetings with erstwhile colleague Microsoft Bob, and all-night drug-fueled parties with the Tux, the Linux Penguin.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out

Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

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OK, mi gente, now I am really, really angry. Since I have last written, I have thought long and hard about the present state of the Catholic Church.

It has occurred to me that the “speaking points” of Ash Wednesday, apply specifically to the Catholic Church and the immediate legal and public relations problems that beset it now. If you recall, the deacon spoke of things we might “give up” for Lent. Things such as:

Mas…Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Jugo Chavez Energy Drink’ cancelled

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BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from CARACAS) The death of Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez means the Bolivarian Bottling Company has had to cancel plans to produce Jugo Chavez Energy Drink for export to the United Estates, PNS has learned.

The state-owned firm hoped to export the beverage to the U.S. where MEChA chapters, like cookie-selling Girl Scouts, would set up tables selling cans outside student union buildings.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Jugo Chavez Energy Drink’ cancelled

Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer

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Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.

We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:

8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner

7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup

6. GMO salmon

Mas…Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer

Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

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Eric Brown, 36, of Pt. Lucie, FL, is awaiting an arraignment for “assault” because he allegedly threw a Taco Bell burrito in his 16-year-old brother-in-law’s face.

Just so you don’t run afoul of the Law of Burritos, make note of the pocho ocho things you should never EVER do with a Taco Bell burrito:

8. Smoosh it in a 16-year-old’s face

7. Use it as a suppository

6. Mix with papier mache to make a piñata

Mas…Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

‘Chicken ‘N Waffles’ flavored syrup for coffee is racist, critics say

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(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) After narrowly beating “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos,” “Kool Super Longs” and “40-Ounce Malt Liquor” to become the syrup flavor that “most accurately captures the taste of the African-American experience,” the winner, Chicken ‘N Waffles syrup, has been put into production by syrup giant Torani.

The family-owned company, known for sweet coffee additives like vanilla and chocolate syrups, is convinced white Americans will crave “the special tang this sweet ‘n’ sassy syrup adds” to the four-dollar lattes they consume several times a day.

Torani’s move is “baffling” and “an outrage,” Clarence K. Dabra, president of the Atlanta-based American Black Restauranteurs Association (ABRA) told PNS.

Mas…‘Chicken ‘N Waffles’ flavored syrup for coffee is racist, critics say

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sick Queen Elizabeth says horsemeat is fine

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(PNS reporting from LONDON) Queen Elizabeth II of England — depite being briefly hospitalized with a stomach infection — has endorsed the stampede of European carnivores who say horsemeat in your beefburger is no big deal.

Joining the German cabinet minister who advocated giving horsemeat-tainted products to poor people and the Huffington Post’s LatinoVoices, which published a Cuban horsemeat recipe, the 86-year-old Queen put her stamp of approval on the new “austerity” regime:

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sick Queen Elizabeth says horsemeat is fine

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts.

While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only immediate impact has been the creation of 900 new jobs.

Obama is being hailed as “The Great Sequestrator” by Latinos around the country, and Obama-themed corridos are already staples on Mexican radio.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

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