Will a Republican shift on immigration help them with Hispanic voters? The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent Al Madrigal is in Jon Stewart’s His Panic Room as they explore the GOP’s Nuevo Deal. Jessica Williams sneaks in to assist. DISCLOSURE: Madrigal is also POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
El Now
It’s News to Us!
From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos
GOP leaders are undergoing sensitivity training as they re-evaluate immigration reform. Too often, insiders say, Republicans’ choice of words has hidden their true love for Latinos.
“Tone and rhetoric will be key,” is the message from Jennifer Korn, executive director of the Hispanic Leadership Network. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA), who chairs the GOP’s Vendido Caucus, champions “a kinder, gentler racism.”
Top Republicans will receive a list of phrases that should never, ever be used when discussing immigration reform. Here are the pocho ocho things NEVER to say:
8. Git’ back in your beaner-mobile!
7. Speak inglish you ‘ignant brownie.
6. We ain’t need no anchor babies.
Mas…From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos
Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript
We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!
(APPLAUSE)
Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.
And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.
(APPLAUSE)
Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).
(APPLAUSE)
Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.
Mas…Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript
First Native American gun victim pushes for gun control
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) It took a lot of burning sage, cedar, sweetgrass and tobacco, but Tymangoua, the first Native American murdered by a gun in what is now the United States, delivered a message from the spirit world to Washington:
Getting shot and killed sucks!
Indigenous Peoples Against Gun Violence (IPAG) introduced Tymangoua to a press conference here Monday.
IPAG president Lauren Ko’n-Za explained:
Gun violence is not a recent phenomenon. It has existed for hundreds of years and indigenous people like Taymangoua were the first victims. Tymangoua was murdered on Sept. 14, 1513, by Spanish sailors looking to enslave him on the shores of Biscayne Bay in what is now Miami.
Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘Mija Weekly’ breaks the ñews 1/28 (video)
In the second installment of Mija Weekly ñews wrap I discuss lip-synching, immigration, my chusma hair dresser and I answer questions from you pochos. Also I don’t drop the F-bomb.
Thank you to everyone who watched last week! Don’t forget to leave me your comments below.
- RELATED: Previously on Mija Weekly…
Prince Harry sure loves him some tamales oaxaceños! (video)
Prince Harry’s CNN interview about combat in Afghanistan is just gonna have to wait. One does not simply ignore the amplified call of the tamalero oaxaceño!
Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal:
According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a Wiffle Ball® bat but ended up on the wrong end of Steven Seagal’s sealskin boots instead.
Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office detectives were called to the elementary school by officials who were learned of the plot and found the student in possession of a tattered Wiffle Ball® bat.
Mas…Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)
Did you miss the Inauguration? We’ve got the video!
From Pres. Barack Obama’s Second Inaugural Address: “Your baby cousin likes me because I’m more normal and have a smooshy finger? No!”
Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy
(PNS reporting from COMPTON) Minority gun owners tired of the “racist white agenda” of the National Rifle Association have launched the National Gun Association (NGA) to lobby for the rights of Latino and African-American gun owners.
NGA, straight out of the Los Angeles suburb of Compton, believes the NRA’s defense of mass shootings, which are mostly perpetrated by white male Christians, harms the real agenda of supporting gun ownership for personal and business self defense.
NGA president Cole Fotyfife, just back from President Bronco Bama’s inauguration (photo), said the campaign will focus on the message “Guns don’t kill people, crazy white people kill people.”
Mas…Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy
Al Madrigal: Obama’s new term means a new look for America (video)
The Daily Show’s Al Madrigal was in Washington, D.C. for Bronco Bama‘s second inauguration Monday and tells Jon Stewart about Obama’s new look for America. DISCLAIMER: Madrigal is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
‘Mija Weekly’ with Elise Roedenbeck breaks the ñews (NSFW video)
POCHO’s New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck wraps up this week’s ñews in the premiere installment of Mija Weekly. Please note she is quite insistent that you leave comments below. (NSFW language.)
Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address
That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.
Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:
8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013
7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs
6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon
Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address
Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos
(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.
Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her life has changed dramatically.
“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”
Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.
Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos
PNS*Hot*Flash: Harvard MEChist@s pluck ban because Calderón
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) This just in: Women of Harvard University’s MEChA collective have vowed they will not pluck their eyebrows until school officials revoke the fellowship of former Mexican President Felipe Calderón at the John F. Kennedy School of Government.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
Surprise, surprise! Tonight’s the night Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey: He used performance-enhancing drugs to win his races.
But wait, there’s more! Here are the pocho ocho other shocking surprise confessions you can expect on tonight’s show:
8. He once pooped in Al Roker’s pants
7. He DID have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky
6. Hasn’t spoken to his father “Stretch” Armstrong in years
Mas…Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
Obama’s lamestream media is too scared to run this truthy gun video
This short video exposes uppity Obama’s selfish assault on the God-given rights of real Americans — a truthy look at guns TOO REAL for the lamestream media because chemtrails. NRA: Straight out of Downton.
Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor up close and personal (video)
When the camera stops rolling, she’s just Sonia from the Bronx. [NSFW audio.] Video by Roberta Valderrama.
MORE ROBERTA VALDERRAMA:
Mas…Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor up close and personal (video)
Live from LAX: Best police chase video ever!
It’s never a slow ñews day in Rancho Pocho, what with the freezing temperatures, babbling stars on awards shows and fools trying to outrun the police. Take, for example, this baboso who is born to run the streets near Los Angeles International Airport…
Al Madrigal exposes crafty Cancuckian plans to bridge Detroit (video)
The patriots of the Motor City aren’t fooled by Canadia’s plans to pay for a new international bridge to replace the aging Ambassador Bridge to Windsor, Ontario. The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart sent Al Madrigal to Detroit (and Canadia!) to find out why soccer moms, Tea Partiers and the Black Panthers are all opposed to this suspicious scheme. SPOILER: Cheap milk and Chinamen. Disclaimer: Madrigal is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latinos who voted to reelect Barack Obama are set to receive one of the benefits he promised: Insurance against mal ojo (“ojo” insurance for short) starts on January 15.
Ojo, more commonly referred to as the “evil eye,” is treated by touching something that one is envious of or by having an abuelita rub an egg over the target of the envidia while saying a prayer.
“Access to health care is not an ‘entitlement,'” Obama told the crowd at an Olvera Street appearance in downtown Los Angles at a 2008 campaign rally. “It is a fundamental right. And as president I promise that every American, not just Latinos, will have the right to protect themselves against ojo.”
Mas…You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week
Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
Professional Latino authority Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who is not a DREAMer thank you very much, already wrote one book and he has more on the way!
Here’s a peek at his pocho ocho upcoming publishing projects:
8. Selling Out Is Easy — The Five-Step Plan
7. Turn Self-Hatred Into Profits!
6. Cognitive Dissonance for Dummies
Mas…Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
Huell Howser is classic in this ‘Lowrider Magazine’ car show video
I am sad about yesterday’s passing of a California treasure, the extremely upbeat public TV host Huell Howser.
He was the longtime host of California Gold, a show that covered the nuggets of Cali history in a hilarious and charming way.
If you don’t understand the fuss, watch this classic video of Huell cheerily interviewing participants at a Lowrider Magazine Car Club show in L.A. in the early 90s. Enjoy!
Eeeeek! It’s the Fiscal Cliff! (video toon)
Rich people need love, too, President Obama!
Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives
Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!
Thrill as Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!
Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!
Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there. Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.
These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:
Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives
Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang
(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has begun Operation Rosca, a massive sweep designed to cripple the Tres Reyes smuggling cartel — the Three Kings. The cartel smuggles babies in bread and traffics in incense and precious metals, according to “America’s toughest sheriff.”
Arapio became aware of the cartel, which “came from the east,” when concerned citizens flooded his office with calls about “Middle-Eastern-looking men smelling of incense” walking westward on McDowell Road in Phoenix’ Bethlehem neighborhood. Locals reported that they asked where the Latino barrio was located, which “aroused suspicious about their status.”
Mas…Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang
Local man blames Obama after ‘get up and go’ got up and went
(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Jason Morales finally figured out why his “get up and go” got up and went, he told friends at Hoopy Frood’s on New Year’s Eve, and all clues point to President Barack Obama.
“President Afrika Hussein Bambata is the worst president in this country’s history,” he announced to the teeming North Mesa Street establishment after his fourth Blue Moon with an orange wedge, “and he has robbed me of my chance at the American dream.”
Mas…Local man blames Obama after ‘get up and go’ got up and went