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Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Scores of immigrants released due to sequester-forced budget cuts are headed to the nation’s capital to fill gaps in the labor pool, PNS has learned.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) began releasing low priority immigrants from detention centers in New Jersey, Louisiana, California, Texas and Florida earlier this week.

After the immigrants were released, PNS got reports that congressional staffers were driving past detention centers trying to pick up the immigrants for jobs in Washington.

“Immigrants are, once again, doing the job that no one else can do: balancing the budget,” said Manuel Padilla, who was released from a detention center in New Jersey Monday. “About 40 of us came from Jersey, in the back of three pickups!”

Mas…Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has fallen and he can’t get up. The 80-year old remains in St. Joseph’s Hospital after falling and breaking his left shoulder on the way to lunch.

Doctors say they can fix him up better than ever:

Joe Arpaio, racist cop. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic bigot. Joe Arpaio will be that man. More racist than he was before. Hateful, senile, old.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

Pope to ditch red slippers on retirement, switch to botas picudas

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(PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) Retiring Pope Benedict XVI is ditching the traditional red slippers (he wears size VIII) when he leaves the papacy and is switching to pointy boots (botas picudas) he got in Mexico, according to news reports.

Chicago’s La Raza (via Google Translate) has the story:

Pope loves shoes that gave her artisans in Mexico in March 2012 during his apostolic visit to the State of Guanajuato and considers them so comfortable that continue to use even after his resignation.

During a press conference the spokesman of the headquarters of the Catholic Church, Federico Lombardi, confirmed that from next Thursday, February 28 at 20:00 local time (19:00 GMT), the pontiff will no longer use the traditional colored shoes Red.

Mas…Pope to ditch red slippers on retirement, switch to botas picudas

PNS*Hot*Flash: White House plans new Civil Rights push

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama will mark the final day of Black History Month by proposing new civil rights legislation, PNS has learned.

Obama will announce the No, White Girl, You Cannot Touch My Hair Act in a speech in Oklahoma City on Thursday.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Oscars: ‘Lupe Ontiveros not included? We thought she was a maid!’

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Something was missing on last night’s already barely diverse Oscars show:

Latina actress and icon Lupe Ontiveros was outrageously not included in the In Memoriam segment of the 2013 Oscars telecast, nor in the Oscars Web Gallery.

The veteran actress, who passed away in July, was missing from the annual segment when Hollywood’s own are remembered, if for only three seconds.

This reporter reached out to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences and spoke with longtime Academy member, film producer Irving Oldenwhyte.

Oldenwhyte was incredulous when I brought up the fact that Lupe Ontiveros was excluded. “Why would we put her in that segment? That’s for people in the talkies!” said Oldenwhyte.

When informed that Lupe Ontiveros had acted in dozens of films, including Selena, El Norte, As Good As It Gets, The Goonies and many more, including countless TV series, Oldenwhyte remained astonished. “She’s an actress? I thought she was a maid.”

Mas…Oscars: ‘Lupe Ontiveros not included? We thought she was a maid!’

Al Madrigal dives into the Tea Party’s manatee manifesto (video)

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President Bronco Bama might have been reelected, but that doesn’t mean the Tea Party is ready to give up. In Florida, they’re trying to keep the Socialist UN-Occupied Federal Government out of their water sports, insisting on their Constitutional Right to Ride Manatees.

The Daily Show’s Al Madrigal dives deep into the depths of Florida to meet the manatees, the manatee people and the Tea Partiers fighting for their right to party with these large, fully aquatic, mostly herbivorous marine mammals, which are sometimes known as sea cows. And monkeys riding dogs. [Disclosure: Al is also POCHO’s Migrant editor, and we’re so proud!]

PNS*Hot*Flash: Chinese hackers infected laptop, local man says

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(PNS reporting from TRENTON) “Chinese hackers infected my laptop and filled it with pornography,” an area beer sales executive told company help desk personnel yesterday. “I had no idea they could do that!”

Mark Mendoza, chief marketing officer for Buckman Brothers Beverages, said his company-issued Lenovo ThinkPad T530, a 15.6” powerhouse equipped with high productivity features and leading wireless options that keep him powered and unplugged around the clock, started acting strangely after a trip to CraftBrewCon2013 in Tallahassee last week.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Chinese hackers infected laptop, local man says

Free medical marijuana tamales? ‘Take A Hit’! (NSFW video)

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In Garden Grove, a nice city in Orange County, qualified patients of the ABC Marijuana Cooperative can get free mota tamales on Fridays, according to Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano. The traditional delicacies come in chicken, cheese and pork varieties, and the pineapple tamales pack the extra miracle ingredient of cannabis.

North of Rancho Pocho, up in Oxnard, Ventura County, the Earthquake Institute shines the spotlight on the forces opposing pot legalization and suggests alternatives in Take A Hit. (NSFW.)

Mas…Free medical marijuana tamales? ‘Take A Hit’! (NSFW video)

PNS*Hot*Flash: Mexico fights bird flu outbreak with drones

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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) Mexican corporate chicken farms are fighting the bird flu outbreak in the central state of Guanajuato with specially-equipped drones, PNS has learned.

Over 582,000 chickens infected with avian influenza will be killed robotically by Depredadors, a Mexico-only model of the well-known American Predator drone.

The Depredador (photo) runs on high octane aviation fuel made only from sugar cane; the domestic Predators rely on high-fructose corn syrup.

“We’re taking every precaution not to kill innocent civilian chickens,” a spokesman for Industrias Bachoco SAB, Mexico’s biggest chicken producer told PNS Monday, “but shit happens, no?”

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Mexico fights bird flu outbreak with drones

LAPD finds Christopher Dorner wallet at Russian meteor crash site

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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner’s wallet was found at the Russian meteor crash site, according to an LAPD statement issued here today.

Although the Los Angeles Police Department does not have an explanation for how the charred wallet ended up on the meteor, observers note the theory supports the “Magic Wallet” theory the LAPD is using to explain how Dorner’s wallet and ID were simultaneously found on a boat in San Diego, at the San Ysidro border and intact in the ashes of the burned out cabin at Big Bear.

Mas…LAPD finds Christopher Dorner wallet at Russian meteor crash site

PNS*Hot*Flash: Yucatán prays for Russia after meteor

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) This just in: The Yucatán Peninsula is sending thoughts and prayers to the people of the Ural Mountains of Russia impacted by today’s meteorite. “Sixty-six million years ago, one of those pinche asteroids hit me and killed my dinosaurs,” Yucatan told reporters at a hastily-called press conference.  “I am still upset about it.” The Yucatán Peninsula is planning a concert with Juanes and Pitbull to raise funds for the Russian people.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Yucatán prays for Russia after meteor

With Ted Nugent in the House, Obama takes no chances (photo)

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) With gun nut Ted Nugent (a tragic victim of Cat Scratch Fever) in the House, and rogue cop Christopher Dorner‘s fate still unclear, President Obama took no chances when he delivered the State of the Union Address here Tuesday night, replacing the customary American flag pin on his lapel with a custom button.

Click on the photo to enlarge ☛

Mas…With Ted Nugent in the House, Obama takes no chances (photo)

@MexicanMitt Romney: The Estate of the Union esta chingada

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Hola Gueyes! This is my Live Tweet/State of the Union response chingadera. Will someone please get me a water, that bottle I’m looking at is right out of reach. CHINGAO!

MEXIPHONE CHECK, JUAN TU, JUAN TU

HIJOLE EL TWITTER IS ESLOW, IT’S MORE CLOGGED THAN THE TOILET AT EL TORITO

HEY OBAMA, STOP TOUCHING THE CROWD, YOU ARE NOT LL COOL J

THE ESTATE OF THE UNION ESTA CHINGADA

IT IS OUR YENERATION’S TASK TO IGNITE DORNER’S CABIN

FREE ENTERPRISE ISN’T FOR FREELOADERS

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: The Estate of the Union esta chingada

Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

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(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.

Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”

“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.

Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

PNS*Hot*Flash: Fox TV preps ‘So You Think You Can Pope’

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(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope.

The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, will feature clergy from around the world competing for the coveted next Pope slot.

Fox Director of Religious Programming Norm Inepatri says “Pope” will keep many of the same sets and challenges as the “Pimp” show including biggest ring, flashiest hat, sweetest ride and smoothest money collection approach.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Fox TV preps ‘So You Think You Can Pope’

Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope

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While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies.

8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile.

7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops.

6. He fulfills the requirement of morally edifying an Anglo character, in this case by sending Anderson Cooper an explanatory letter about LAPD corruption.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope

Pocho Ocho reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned

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Oh sure old age, weakness, lack of energy, blah blah blah. From our homeboy inside the Vatican, the Jesuit formerly known as Lil Stanky, here are the Infallible VIII reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned:

VIII Not down with the red Gucci slippers

VII Wants to spend more time with the kids

VI Time to start his jihad against the LAPD

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned

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