Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

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(PNS reporting from CANADIA) David Pérez became the first NAFTA mojado when he crossed illegally into Canadia Saturday.

The undocumented worker from Jalpa, Zacatecas first crossed the Rio Grande into the United States near San Elizario, TX, 10 years ago seeking employment in El Norte.

After working in El Paso for a year doing construction, he continued north, staying with relatives in Denver, Chicago, and Minnesota.

“I kept searching for El Norte and there was always more Norte to explore,” Pérez told PNS.

Mas…Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) A rainy day failed to damper the spirits of people marching against Genetically Modified Organisms in downtown Austin Thursday.

With signs proclaiming JUST SAY NO TO GMO, the crowd rallied on the steps of the Capitol to protest the “seeds of destruction” they say GMO foods present to society.

Not all the people at the rally supported that viewpoint, however.

“Frijoles should be GMO, so Mexicans can grow,” said Richard Salazar, a software engineer who stands 5’6″ tall and is the president of the local chapter of Itty Bitty Mexicans or IBMs.

Mas…Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

Luchador Peatonito is Mexico City’s ‘Defender of Pedestrians’ (video)

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In Mexico City, a superhero luchador fights for the rights of pedestrians.

The Wall Street Journal reports:

If you ever get stuck in gridlock at an intersection in this crowded capital city, you can’t expect help from a street cop. But you might try “Peatónito,” the protector of pedestrians who dresses as a Mexican wrestler.

When a car blocks a crosswalk, from out of nowhere appears Peatónito (“little pedestrian” in Spanish), in a cape and wrestler’s mask. He stands directly in front of the car and tries to push it back with his bare hands—often to the astonishment of the drivers. If a motorbike is parked on the sidewalk blocking the way, Peatónito lifts it up and puts it on the curb where it belongs.

Mas…Luchador Peatonito is Mexico City’s ‘Defender of Pedestrians’ (video)

New! Hands-free Whopper™ makes eating junk food easy! (video)

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Today’s world is all about the multi-tasking! You want to Tweet. You want to play your guitar. You want to walk the perros. You want to give your customer a puro tat. And you want to eat a delicious Whopper™ from Burger King. No worries, meng. The hands-free Whopper™ is here!

It’s End of May Day! Donate to POCHO now to help us break the ñews!

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Can you donate $20 or $50 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

With only hours left in the Merry Merry Month of May, please make a small donation now so we can continue breaking the ñews! POCHO needs money to upgrade our webservers, money to fix our broken computers and, more than anything, money to pay our editors and writers and videographers and cartoonists who have contributed a year and a half’s worth of amazingly chingon content for free.

Every $10, $20 or $50 helps. Click on the donate button now. Thank you, pochos!

Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

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(PNS reporting from PASADENA) Bob Lowe recently discovered that — for some reason — he is disliked by all his coworkers.

He explained the confusing situation to PNS Wednesday afternoon as he poured himself the last cup of coffee, left the empty pot on the heating element, and walked away without making more.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” he said. “I mean, maybe I take peoples’ lunches sometimes, big deal, you know? What did you think was gonna happen if you left food in the fridge?”

Lowe’s officemates on the eleventh floor have complained to company Vice President of Human Resources Mike Cervantes numerous times about Lowe’s inability to keep deadlines, hapless attempts to get others to do his work, refusal to learn new things, terrible personal hygiene and general rudeness in the 10 months since he was hired, but to no avail.

Mas…Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

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The Disney Corp’s new princess-inspired quinceañera gowns are but the first in a new line of Latina Rites of Passage gowns, PNS has learned.

The new dresses for tweens and teens are “designed to honor the milestones in young Latinas’ lives in the passionate, spicy way Disney defines Hispanic identities,” a Disney spokesperson said. Aside from the quinceañera gowns (photo) Disney has eight other dresses ready to mark these Rites of Passage:

8. First minimum wage job

7. First walk of shame

6. First boy gets to second base

Mas…Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios

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Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style.  Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day Tom Sawyer. Chances are, he was blasting Rush’s Tom Sawyer during his epic ride, which lasted half a block, just long enough to suck down that beer.

Mas…Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios

Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) Area handyman Alfredo Serricchio (photo) plans to sue Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) for the “egregious medical malpractice” that resulted in the amputation of his right hand, his lawyer announced Tuesday.

“He’s just this hard-working, formerly right-handed immigrant who was fixing a rich doctor’s roof and the next thing you know he has only one hand, and it’s his left hand!” attorney John E. Brockman told PNS.

“He’s a handyman for Pete’s sake! You can’t be a handyman without a hand! That is indubitably egregious, irresponsible, unconscionable and irrefutable, and we think it’s worth six million dollars!”

Alfredo, a construction worker at Dr. Lisa Cuddy’s house, had complained on Sept. 27, 2005 that his asthma was acting up, and then fell off the roof onto the concrete. At PPTH he could not breathe, and Cuddy noticed two of the fingers on his right hand turned purple, according to Brockman. “His glove didn’t fit,” he said. “They had to admit.”

The attorney continued:

Mas…Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand

Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine

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(PNS reporting from OKLAHOMA) Standing by a pile of debris that once was an elementary school, President Barack Obama on Sunday called the destruction caused last week’s tornado “fairly devastating” and vowed to seek additional funding to increase the catastrophic power of his weather control program.

Obama’s E-5 category tornado killed two dozen people, ripped a 17-mile-long corridor of destruction through the suburb of Oklahoma City, flattening entire blocks of homes, two schools and a hospital.

“This is nothing. Obviously we can do better,” the president said, standing on a block where lumber, bricks and concrete that used to be houses and businesses lined the side of the street. Items that survived the disaster – a blender, a pink baby carriage – stood in stark contrast to most of the wreckage.

Mas…Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine

Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

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(PNS reporting from WAUKEGAN, IL) Erlinda Morales has wanted an MBA degree for years, but it wasn’t until a Facebook ad for the University of Phoenix popped into her newsfeed that her dream began to come true.

“All I had to do was click on the ad, fill out a form, and all of a sudden I’m in graduate school getting my Masters in Business Administration! This is the happiest day of my life!” she posted on a Facebook Status Update Sunday afternoon.

“They’re such a big deal, they have ads everywhere — not just any school would be able to advertise like that,” she bragged.

Mas…Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things

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The news broke out of Phoenix late Friday, but to tell you the truth, we weren’t surprised. Judge G. Murray Snow of the United States District Court for Arizona officially declared the policing policies of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio unconstitutionally “racist.”

The New York Times summed up the decision this way:

… the sheriff relied on racial profiling and illegal detentions to target Latinos, using their ethnicity as the main basis for suspecting they were in the country illegally. Many of the people targeted were American citizens or legal residents.

It took us a while to read the entire ruling but we went through the whole thing and came up with eight additional findings about “America’s toughest sheriff”:

Mas…Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things

Raza in Espace: Commander Chakotay, indigenista Starfleet officer

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  The future includes brown. We’ve seen Raza captain spaceships, battle real aliens, and go where no mestizo has gone before. They invent and create. In Raza in Espace, we will highlight Latino characters in science-fiction. Pues, Engage!
 

How do you rebel when you’re raised on an indigenista planet with a traditional tribal culture?

Teenage Chakotay left the tribe and entered Starfleet Academy, and grew up to
became a freedom fighter who engaged the Cardassians and became the voice of reason as Voyager’s first officer during their long journey back to the Alpha Quadrant.

He was also a mentor to Latina engineer, B’Elenna Torres and sported a bad-ass facial tattoo before Mike Tyson.

Commander Chakotay was raised on a planet on the border between the United Federation of Planets and Cardassian Union.

Mas…Raza in Espace: Commander Chakotay, indigenista Starfleet officer

Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Charlie Sheen today announced the launch of Carlos Estevez, a new line of Charlie Sheen created to appeal to Hispanic preferences and to specifically meet their needs based on the unique way Hispanics approach entertainment.

Charlie Sheen’s new product targets the burgeoning Hispanic market, now valued at a trillion dollars a year.

The Carlos Estevez line of Charlie Sheen is based on extensive consumer research and will be available soon in the new Robert Rodriguez Machete Kills film, and eventually in various TV commercials for personal injury attorney services and Budweiser Lime-A-Rita spots.

Mas…Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen

Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

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(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) Mary Hernandez has a problem: she’s addicted to Takis. The 17-year-old Californian cannot get enough of the spicy imported Mexican corn chips.

“She eats Takis all the time instead of real food,” lamented her mother Laura, while stirring a pot of beans. “She needs real food; look — she’s getting too skinny!”

Hernandez, a senior at San Bernardino High School, said her Takiphilia began when a friend offered her “just a little taste” behind the gym after school. She snuck a bite and has been madly munching away since.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

Fried axolotl, you’re the juan, you make dinner full of yum (photos)

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Wikipedia: The [totally cute] axolotl, or Mexican salamander (Ambystoma mexicanum) is a neotenic salamander, closely related to the tiger salamander.

Larvae of this species fail to undergo metamorphosis, so the adults remain aquatic and gilled.

It is also called ajolote [ɑːhɒˈlɔte] (which is also a common name for different types of salamander).

The species originates from numerous lakes, such as Lake Xochimilco underlying Mexico City.

Axolotls are used extensively in scientific research due to their ability to regenerate limbs.

They are also totally delicious when deep-fried in Osaka, Japan:

Mas…Fried axolotl, you’re the juan, you make dinner full of yum (photos)

Al Madrigal and ex-MSNBC Dylan Ratigan: Cable news blues (video)

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What in the hell is wrong with angry young cable news guy Dylan Ratigan, who quit fame and fortune at MSNBC to become a hydroponic farmer who employs veterans? The Daily Show’s Al Madrigal goes to farmville to find out. [Disclosure: Madrigal is also POCHO’s Migrant Editor.]

Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye

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(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Internet security companies here are warning PC users a new threat could be hitting their email inboxes this week: Mal-Ojo-Ware.

The malicious software penetrates a users’ PC via an inviting email from an attractive young woman or man and then takes control of the computer and sticks the user with mal ojo.

Mas…Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye

Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years

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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.

The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.

The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.

After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.

Mas…Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years

Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’

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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES)  Outgoing Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has a proposal for incoming mayor Eric Garcetti: Be my wingman.

Villariagosa has been contemplating life after being LA’s mayor — and it’s not looking good. Reviewing his taste for power and dating attractive women who would be out of his shorty league if he weren’t powerful, Villariagosa told PNS he’s worried.

Mas…Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’

Immigration Bill clears Senate committee on way to becoming law

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) A bruised, battered and patched-up Immigration Bill cleared a major hurdle Tuesday as a bipartisan 13-5 vote kicked Bill out of the Judiciary Committee and onto the Senate floor.

POCHO caught up with Bill in his dressing room after the committee vote and got him to agree to a short, on-the-record interview:

POCHO: You sleazed past the tricky gay partner trap, you sucked up to the high tech lobby, you bribed the security-is-our-business government contractors and now you’re one step closer to becoming a law. So how does it feel?

IMMIGRATION BILL: What do you want me to say? I’m just a Bill, I’m just a Bill and I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill.

POCHO: How do you get the strength to maintain day after day? What’s your secret?

Mas…Immigration Bill clears Senate committee on way to becoming law

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