The twangy surf sound of twin vintage Fender Jazzmaster* guitars, R&B-meets-mariachi horn section, Tex-Mex accordion, a trumpet solo (!) and great vocals by Raul Malo make for a stellar performance by The Mavericks on Austin City Limits. New record, new tour! Gracias a Latin Alternative for the heads up.
* I’m told they could be Jaguars and not Jazzmasters. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from THE VATICAN) With the selection of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as Pope “Call Me Don” Francisco I, winds of change are blowing from the Western and Southern Hemispheres to refresh the stale air of Rome.
The first big change, PNS has learned, is the gradual replacement of Latin in church communications and prayers with the more widely-spoken and understood Latino language.
Other expected changes:
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope ‘Don’ Francisco I swaps Latino for Latin
Video cameras caught Mexican President Enrique Peña-Nieto resting his eyes Friday during the eulogy for El Commandante Presidente Hugo Chavez delivered by his successor, Nicolas Maduro.
Here’s the video:
Mas…Mexico’s Peña-Nieto rests his eyes at Chavez funeral (photo + video)
Venezuelans are still mourning Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez, who the CIA poisoned with cancer, but that doesn’t mean they can’t sing, according to Justin Timberlake.
The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting other aspects of American government.
Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:
8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays
7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000
6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week
Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’
The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope. In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.
Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”
But that’s not all! Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:
8. Green smoke: Habemus frogam
7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous
6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?
Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white
Chingo Bling and his posse show Drake how it’s really done in Started from the Border. (NSFW language.)
Happy Woman’s History Month! This week, I say farewell to Hugo Chavez and goodbye to sleep (no thanks to daylight savings.) Also, have no fear, the immigration party bus is here!
Don’t forget to leave your comments below, or lick butter.
Mexican mom says enough already with the Harlem Shake!
THIS JUST IN: (PNS reporting from REDMOND, WA) Former Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy, fired after a controversial career just trying to help some people out for crissake, will come out as gay in a forthcoming tell-all autobiography, PNS has learned.
The book, tentatively titled ☑ Don’t Ask Me Again, details Clippy’s crush on icon rival Happy Mac (photo), tempestuous meetings with erstwhile colleague Microsoft Bob, and all-night drug-fueled parties with the Tux, the Linux Penguin.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out
YouTuber Oh Em Gee It’s Eddie G has some good advice for all you Facebook people. Liking is one thing, sharing is something else entirely. (NSFW language.)
OK, mi gente, now I am really, really angry. Since I have last written, I have thought long and hard about the present state of the Catholic Church.
It has occurred to me that the “speaking points” of Ash Wednesday, apply specifically to the Catholic Church and the immediate legal and public relations problems that beset it now. If you recall, the deacon spoke of things we might “give up” for Lent. Things such as:
Mas…Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry
The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent Al Madrigal goes to Washington, D.C. to meet with demonstrators who want Puerto Rico to become America’s 51st state. [Disclaimer: Al is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.]
Women’s History Month is a good time to spotlight sexual harassment at work.
Congress has reauthorized the Violence Against Women Act, sure, but legal action isn’t always an option, like when you’re on a business trip with the boss, or in his office for a late-night meeting.
Here are the pocho ocho ways to fend off a boss who is all hands:
8. In your best Latina voice, scream “¡No, patron, por favor, no!”
7. He’s grabby? Grab back…and squeeeeeeeze!
6. Just go with it — you’re already asking for it with that blouse!
Buenos Aires band Poncho takes 80s-era synthpop in a new goth Futurama direction with the surrealistic video Take My Hand. [Zombies, gore, escary clowns!]
BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from CARACAS) The death of Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez means the Bolivarian Bottling Company has had to cancel plans to produce Jugo Chavez Energy Drink for export to the United Estates, PNS has learned.
The state-owned firm hoped to export the beverage to the U.S. where MEChA chapters, like cookie-selling Girl Scouts, would set up tables selling cans outside student union buildings.
Bro Angeles wants to know: Hey, do you know that good taco truck in Hollywood? The one near the Starbuck’s? Video by Jeremiah Murphy.
In the high desert of the Peruvian Andes, the descendants of the Inca form a human chain to perform the Chaccu, the ritual round-up and shearing of the wild vicuña.
Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.
We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:
8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner
7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup
6. GMO salmon
Mas…Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer
President Obama’s “deferred action” program is working out really well for DREAMer Aury Martinez. (NSFW audio.)
Eric Brown, 36, of Pt. Lucie, FL, is awaiting an arraignment for “assault” because he allegedly threw a Taco Bell burrito in his 16-year-old brother-in-law’s face.
Just so you don’t run afoul of the Law of Burritos, make note of the pocho ocho things you should never EVER do with a Taco Bell burrito:
8. Smoosh it in a 16-year-old’s face
7. Use it as a suppository
6. Mix with papier mache to make a piñata
Mas…Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito
If you need to get the webbed skin between your thumb and index finger nailed to a wood plank in the backyard, make sure you do it like YouTube user buffoon114; call a professional with the proper tools, safety gear and mad carpentry skillz. (NSFW audio.)
Amazing dancers, these two old gabachos. And who is that playing the music?
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Hey there, Pochos! This week on MiJA I totally don’t pole dance, Obama isn’t a dork, and the Gang of Eight don’t mix well with vinegar. Also, Kim Jung Un has one black friend.
Don’t make me unleash my powers of brujería! Leave your comments and questions below.
(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) After narrowly beating “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos,” “Kool Super Longs” and “40-Ounce Malt Liquor” to become the syrup flavor that “most accurately captures the taste of the African-American experience,” the winner, Chicken ‘N Waffles syrup, has been put into production by syrup giant Torani.
The family-owned company, known for sweet coffee additives like vanilla and chocolate syrups, is convinced white Americans will crave “the special tang this sweet ‘n’ sassy syrup adds” to the four-dollar lattes they consume several times a day.
Torani’s move is “baffling” and “an outrage,” Clarence K. Dabra, president of the Atlanta-based American Black Restauranteurs Association (ABRA) told PNS.
Mas…‘Chicken ‘N Waffles’ flavored syrup for coffee is racist, critics say
(PNS reporting from LONDON) Queen Elizabeth II of England — depite being briefly hospitalized with a stomach infection — has endorsed the stampede of European carnivores who say horsemeat in your beefburger is no big deal.
Joining the German cabinet minister who advocated giving horsemeat-tainted products to poor people and the Huffington Post’s LatinoVoices, which published a Cuban horsemeat recipe, the 86-year-old Queen put her stamp of approval on the new “austerity” regime:
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sick Queen Elizabeth says horsemeat is fine
Pope Benedict XVI may have left the building, but investigators claim something is still rotten in Vatican City. They say the Roman Catholic Church is hiding evidence of extraterrestrial visitors — evidence that includes the remains of a dead ET buried beneath the Vatican.
