Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

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I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weenie ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

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(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.

Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”

“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.

Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

PNS*Hot*Flash: Fox TV preps ‘So You Think You Can Pope’

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(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope.

The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, will feature clergy from around the world competing for the coveted next Pope slot.

Fox Director of Religious Programming Norm Inepatri says “Pope” will keep many of the same sets and challenges as the “Pimp” show including biggest ring, flashiest hat, sweetest ride and smoothest money collection approach.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Fox TV preps ‘So You Think You Can Pope’

Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope

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While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies.

8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile.

7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops.

6. He fulfills the requirement of morally edifying an Anglo character, in this case by sending Anderson Cooper an explanatory letter about LAPD corruption.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope

Pocho Ocho reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned

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Oh sure old age, weakness, lack of energy, blah blah blah. From our homeboy inside the Vatican, the Jesuit formerly known as Lil Stanky, here are the Infallible VIII reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned:

VIII Not down with the red Gucci slippers

VII Wants to spend more time with the kids

VI Time to start his jihad against the LAPD

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned

PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican

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(PNS reporting from London) This just in: Controversial Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from the papacy making him the first pope to abdicate in over 600 years.  His resignation coincidentally coincides with the first real investigation of Vatican child sex abuse in over 600 years. Benedict, the pope formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, will retire to his native Bavaria and is looking forward to taking long vacations with German friends to Thailand, the Philippines and Malaysia.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican

Chicana activist joins EZLN movement

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(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY)  A local activist is excited about throwing her support behind a movement in Southern Mexico she recently read about on Facebook: the EZLN.

Pilar Morales (photo) said she saw a post on her friend Daisy’s Facebook wall about a new band called Rage Against the Machine which talked about the movement.

When the Spanish Harlem resident Googled it, she said she felt like she’d finally found a cause she could really support.

“I totally get this. They are just, like, fighting for their rights and the government is oppressing them!” Morales told PNS. “It’s just not fair.”

Mas…Chicana activist joins EZLN movement

‘Illegal Immigrant Hunting Permits’ were a mistake, so sorry (video)

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Hey, all you Hispanics! We’re sorry — it was a big mistake. Ha ha ha, a joke gone bad. No, a mistake. You know those Illegal Immigrant Hunting Permit stickers we were selling in our Colorado gas stations with convenience stores managed by that national convenience store conglomerate that ordered the shiny multi-colored bumper stickers from a Kansas “novelty” manufacturer?

Mas…‘Illegal Immigrant Hunting Permits’ were a mistake, so sorry (video)

Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’

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The Republican Party has jumped on the immigration reform bandwagon with their own “Path to Citizenship” proposals. Here are the GOP’s pocho ocho ways undocumented residents can get legal:

8. Mow Mitt Romney’s lawn
7. Pose for publicity photo with AZ Gov. Jan Brewja
6. Pretend you’re “Hispanic” for the CIA

Mas…Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’

Reagan Library releases rare video to mark Gipper’s 102nd birthday

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The Ronald Reagan Library celebrated the 40th president’s 102nd birthday today by releasing this never-before-seen archival footage of Reagan in action during the height of the 1986 Iran-Contra Scandal.

Revered by neo-cons, ex-cons and decepticons as a doting old Weeble, Reagan is considered by many as the ultimate con. The Gipper’s birthday is celebrated in the United States, the Middle East and Central America as a National Day of Lying.

Mas…Reagan Library releases rare video to mark Gipper’s 102nd birthday

eBay ‘sniper’ outbids local man for ‘Chola Low Riders’ pulp magazine

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(PNS reporting from PDX) Area collector Reynaldo “Ronnie” Morales’ heart was broken Sunday night when a last-minute auction bid from an eBay “sniper” pushed the coveted September 1953 issue of Amazing Future Tales out of his grasp and into the arms of another.

The sniper killed Morale’s chances with a $37.83 winning bid.

Mas…eBay ‘sniper’ outbids local man for ‘Chola Low Riders’ pulp magazine

Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard

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Que lastima!

Someone estole Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s identity and used his name to purchase groceries in Chicago. The Maricopa, AZ sheriff, unlike the pochodores here in the POCHO ñewsroom, was not amused.

We have a lot of things we’d like to purchase with Sheriff Joe’s moneh, and here are the top eight:

8. Taco USA by POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano
7. ¡Ban This! by POCHO Florida Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera
6. 2013 Good Luck Cartoon Calendar by POCHO Jefe Lalo Alcaraz

Mas…Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard

North Korean space shuttle attacks U.S., Manhattan on fire (video)

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North Korea’s Glorious Space Program, launched by Eternally Alive Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Il, has crushed the American Capitalist Running Dogs, destroyed flag-shrouded New York City, all while you sleep, accompanied by the luscious sounds of the Marxist Muzak Orchestra playing We Are the World — and we’ve got video!

Mas…North Korean space shuttle attacks U.S., Manhattan on fire (video)

Ken Burns Super Bowl commercial angers minority farmworkers

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(PNS reporting from FRESNO) Latino farmworkers say Dodge’s American Farmer Super Bowl commercial is a bunch of manure, according to Claude Rhodappel, spokesman for the Minority Organization for Farmworkers and Obreros (MOFO).

The commercial, directed by filmmaker Ken Burns, used crisp documentary-style photography to celebrate America’s farmers while espousing the values of Dodge’s Ram Truck. 

MOFO is objecting to the fact that almost all of the farmers depicted in the ad were white, with the exception of one African-American man, who was included as the “Magical Negro” featured in so many Hollywood productions.

Mas…Ken Burns Super Bowl commercial angers minority farmworkers

PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Enemy of my enema is my friend’

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(PNS reporting from FLUSHING, N.Y.)  This just in: Long Island dry cleaner Beau Riqua was an unhappy man this morning when he prevented nurses from administering an enema prescribed by his doctor.  Riqua, who was visiting internist Dr. Lee Cuado with concerns about bloating, was upset that Cuado, a longtime friend, recommended this delicate procedure.

“That charlatan is just getting revenge because he lost $500 to me on a Super Bowl bet,” says Riqua, “so now he’s on my list. Go Ravens!”

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Enemy of my enema is my friend’

PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) This just in: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has introduced a bill to shorten February to 26 days. Cantor says February is getting too “uppity” and two of its days should be given to April, which he claims is being discriminated against as “the cruellest month,” because it features the observance of “Confederate History Month” and “Patriots Day.”  The bill also aims to cancel leap years, just to be a dick.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days

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