Obama, Pelosi hook up to urge ‘Fiscal Clit’ stimulus

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) With the “fiscal cliff” crisis over, congressional Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is joining the Obama Administration’s push for a Fiscal Clit stimulus.

“President Obama has been working every angle to deliver a really generous package that will provide the kind of stimulus America needs,” Pelosi told reporters after Tuesday night’s historic House vote. “The Fiscal Clit will provide a release for tense Americans everywhere, especially for women.  This has been a long and hard process, and we’re glad to see it will have a happy ending.”

Republicans were quick to renounce Pelosi’s assertions.

“There is no such thing as a Fiscal Clit,” said GOP pundit Dick Chiquito on Fox News. “No one I spoke to in the Republican Party has ever encountered a Fiscal Clit, and we’ve checked binders full of women over the last 40 years.”

Mas…Obama, Pelosi hook up to urge ‘Fiscal Clit’ stimulus

Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea.

“America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student.

According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he will focus on arming every student with a personalized grenade launcher to “blow the living shit out of anything that even looks suspicious…like Mexicans.”

Mas…Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

Ring In the Oldies: ‘Happy New Year Baby,’ ‘Sabor A Mi’ (music videos)

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It’s 1965 and big hair and girl groups are all the rage.

In East L.A., sisters Rosella, Ersi and Mary Arvizu, who had been singing and playing music together all their lives, thought they had the right stuff to be the next Supremes — even before there were Supremes. They called themselves The Sisters.

Mas…Ring In the Oldies: ‘Happy New Year Baby,’ ‘Sabor A Mi’ (music videos)

Please donate to POCHO now to help us break the ñews!

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Can you donate $5 or $10 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

With only a few hours left in the Year of the Chancla, please make a small holiday donation now so we can continue breaking the ñews! POCHO needs money to upgrade our webservers, money to fix our broken computers and, more than anything, money to pay our editors and writers and videographers and cartoonists who have contributed a year’s worth of amazingly chingon content for free.

Every $10, $20 or $50 helps. Click on the donate button now. Thank you, pochos!

Ñewsweek: Latina’s lament, Jean Naté returns, video editor fired

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In East L.A., activist Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García had a sad and broke down crying at a community meeting right before the end of the year. Garcia was distraught at the gap between her aspirations and the sad state of the world.

In the San Fernando Valley, adult video editor Roberto Mendoza faced an uncertain future after being fired for browsing Internet spreadsheets at work.

And in New Jersey, a bottle of Jean Naté was regifted to its original gifter 19 years after its purchase at Rexall.

In the final year of the Mayan Apocalypse, the Year of the Chancla, these stories broke the ñews on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Latina’s lament, Jean Naté returns, video editor fired

Local Latina activist tearfully faces reality: ‘I can’t save the world’

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García (photo, right) underwent a nervous breakdown at the Boyle Heights Community Development Council’s final 2012 meeting Wednesday night.

After several snotty tissues, García faced up to the vast distance between her dreams and reality.

“I can’t save the world! I can barely save myself!” she cried, wiping her tears on the sleeve of the Mexican peasant blouse she bought on her second trip to Chiapas in ’97.

“I’m, like, trying here. I just want to give back to my community, but it’s hard, you know? Not everyone is as dedicated to la causa as I am.”

Mas…Local Latina activist tearfully faces reality: ‘I can’t save the world’

Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work

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(PNS reporting from VAN NUYS) Adult movie editor Roberto Mendoza was fired from his job at Burning Sensations Movie Productions last week after being repeatedly caught browsing spreadsheets on his computer.

“It started innocently enough,” he told PNS. “There I was editing a facial pop shot compilation from our Fish Tacos series, when I noticed someone had left a spreadsheet of sales figures in with the video files.”

“I’d always been a little…curious. I took a break from Final Cut Pro and opened up the file, and suddenly my screen was filled with all these rigid columns of data.”

A spokesman from Burning Sensations said that following his dismissal, an inspection of Mendoza’s computer had revealed a hidden folder containing over 3,000 spreadsheets.

Mas…Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work

Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

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Overlooked in the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday frenzy: December 21 was also the end of the Year of the Chancla, one of nine named years in the Mayan calendar. Here are the pocho ocho other next named years:

2013: Year of the Nopal
2014: Year of the Pendleton
2015: Year of the Nalgas
2016: Year of the Chonies

Mas…Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

It’s aliens and the kids from Lugar High vs Evil Don Nabisco (video)

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The crew at Lugar High (in Lugar Heights) gets a visit from space aliens who, like all space aliens, want to empower Latinos. The Lugar kids’ mission, should they decide to accept it: Confront the evil Don Nabisco, host of a wildly-popular TV show. Look for special guest star cameos by Che Guevara and Sammy Sosa.

Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter

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(PNS reporting from NEWARK) After 19 years of being regifted, the last known bottle of Jean Naté After Bath Splash has been returned to its original gifter here, PNS has learned.

Josefina de la Placa, a registered nurse, purchased the bottle in 1983 at the Rexall on Lafayette Avenue in Hawthorne as a Christmas gift for her brother Hector. It was regifted 19 times before she got it back at an office party Friday night.

“Well, I thought it was a nice gift,” de la Placa told PNS Sunday. “Hector is an ungrateful desgraciado.”

“What am I, an 82-year-old little lady?” Hector, an 81-year-old civil engineer, emailed this reporter. “I gave to the lady who delivers the mail.”

Mas…Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter

Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City

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Is Tia Lencha here! Feliz Navidad!

So people ask me, Tia Lencha do you have recipes for Christmas? Not really, I say. Instead I have some Secretos for celebrating the Navidad in New York City. There are no mucho Mexicans here so you have to be esmart about it so you don’t have the stress. And you need to have a Metro Card.

First, the are too many mucho peoples out chopping for presents. Tia Lencha don’t like standing in line for an hour to buy a sweater.

Thas why I use more time to buy my mijo his presents, I give to him on January 6, the day of the Tres Reyes (three kings for you pochos.) Mijo writes a letter to the three kings to tell them what he wants for his present. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa Claus, mijo leaves some grass in his shoe box under the bed for the camels of the three kings to eat. Then his present is put in the box with the grass for the camels. Like magic no?

Mas…Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City

Lord Buckley’s ‘Scrooge, a hip Christmas carol’ from 1959 (video)

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It’s 1959 and hepcat supreme Lord Buckley is on fire: “Yes, me, I’m Scrooge and I got all Marley’s barley, and I’m the baddest cat in all dis world. I been studyin’ all my life how to Scrooge people, and I guarantee I done some fine work in dat direction. Cratchit!”

“Yes, sir.”

“You busy?”

“I shorely is, sir.”

“See dat you keep busy. Don’t want no danglin’ wanglin’ around here. Keep everybody tight. And tell dem two cats come in here want to get some money I ain’t givin’ no money away. Dey messin’ wit Scrooge. I’m takin’ it in. I ain’t puttin’ it out. Issat clear?”

Darlene Love: ‘Christmas for the Jews’

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Rock ‘n’ roll diva Darlene Love explains: All the goyyim disappear to gather round the fire but out on the town, and in Chinese restaurants, it’s Christmas for the Jews!

 

Can you donate $5 or $10 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

  

Ñewsweek: We’re gonna party like it’s 19-ninety-Mayan!

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It was the first of days, it was the last of days, it was Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012, The End of the World As We Know It. Or was it?

The beginning of the end, the middle of the end and the end itself dominated the ñews on POCHO this week.

Here are the week’s top stories:

Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

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Email from astronomer and Venezuelan native Ricardo Salamé Páez details today’s schedule for the Mayan Apocalypse:

HORARIO DEL FIN DEL MUNDO para los Habla Hispana

06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
… 11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (sub.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO

Mas…Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

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Rancho Pocho and surrounding communities will be alive with excitement tonight as everyone awaits the End of the World As We Know It at midnight local time. Don’t stay at home — party hardy or die Mayan!

Here’s what’s going on around town:

• FOR THE GENTS: In the Rancho Pocho Downtown Historic District, Club Rico for Gentlemen is offering no cover admission to a special presentation by the North Pole Dancers, the chillest elvettes to ever stuff a thong. Dressed as Santa? All lap dances are 50% off!  Prices good until midnight, of course.

• FOR THE LADIES: Don’t be fat at the end of the world — burn fat at the Grand Opening of the new Spin ‘N’ Thin Spa located where the Gun ‘N’ Run sporting goods store used to be on Miramar in Pocho Hills. Burn, baby, burn with “all you can spin” classes at two-for-one prices. Bring your BFF and spin till you barf at one low price. It’s never too spin to be thin! Special available until midnight.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse

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