Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff

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POCHO caught Olympic fever this week as the ñews from London captivated the Internets.

Who could ever forget the magic of Serena William’s Crip-walking victory dance, complemented by our astutely-curated contextualizing rich media augmentation — a C-walk video from España?

And when a bronze-winning American rower brandished a boner at the medal ceremony, only Jon Stewart and POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal were men enough to get to the root of the problem, a story so popular that POCHO is #1 on Google when you search for “jon stewart olympic stiffy.”

*NOT ALL! MORE SAY!* Hey, white guy — the viral video for middle class male Caucasians who are sick and tired of all the damn attention being paid to women and minorities and gays — remains a World Wide Websation, and our scandalous Irish Broadcasting Authority Olympic NSFW video exposed for all of America the kind of coverage NBC was afraid to deliver.

Hella week, eh? Mira the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff

Sassy cutie Armida stars in 1944’s ‘Machine Gun Mama’ (video)

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(Machine Gun Mama, 1944, 60 mins) Two Brooklyn fishes-out-of-water are south of the border when their truck breaks down on the way to deliver an elephant. (Yes. On the way to deliver an elephant. This lightweight comedy is big on gags and short on plot.) Luckily (!) they run into a roadside Mexican circus-carnival-sideshow. Homegirl cutie-pie Armida is hysterical as the sassy female circus star. Listen to her curse at the gringos in Spanish!

Who is Armida? From IMDB:

Mas…Sassy cutie Armida stars in 1944’s ‘Machine Gun Mama’ (video)

Special Sports Video: The Olympics NBC won’t let you see (NSFW)

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As the 2012 Olympics head towards their conclusion, Americans continue to complain about NBC‘s broadcast coverage — missed events, stupid commentary, crazy time delays and worse. We snagged this sailing video from the Irish Broadcasting Authority (IBA) to show you what other folks around the world see. (NSFW language.)

RELATED:

BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen country music legend Randy Travis.

Once deemed George Bush Sr.’s favorite country music star, Travis has been actively campaigning for the slot for over a week, especially in Texas.

Mas…BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males

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(PNS reporting from OAK CREEK, WI) Following the second mass shooting by a white male in just a few weeks, Federal authorities will soon start building and outfitting concentration camps for young, white men racially profiled as potential domestic terrorists.

The last time concentration camps were mandated in the U.S. was during World War II when thousands of Japanese-Americans lost their homes, jobs, possessions to ensure the safety of the nation.

“It’s the same principle,” FBI Special Agent Phillip Coulson told a press conference here yesterday “The truth is, no one is safe anymore when young, white men have ample access to firearms, free reign to be hateful online and white privilege that allows them to fly under the radar of our racial profiling system.”

Mas…Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males

Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans

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Can’t get no respect, not even from Wikipedia.

The online encyclopedia offers a comprehensive entry on ethnic slurs:

  • Bad names for Italians? Wikipedia is right there with Dago, Goombah, Greaseball, Guido, Guinea and Wop.
  • Wikipedia offers a shoutout to the Jews: Hymie, Kike, Mocky, Hebe and Sheeny.
  • African-Americans? Wikipedia has you covered: Coon, Crow, Boogie, Eggplant, Macacaca, Sambo and Spook.

And yet there is no listing of nasty names for Latinos in general, let alone Mexicans. No pinche respect!

So, pochos, if you’re Wikipedia editors, please note our Pocho Ocho top ethnic slurs for Mexicans:

Mas…Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans

Nasty Nalgas Research: Stressed out guys like big butts (with videos)

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I am always so proud when humanity expands the frontiers of knowledge. Scientific American reports the result of a new study:

The team took college men and had half of them perform a stressful task unrelated to food or money which raised their cortisol levels. They then asked the stressed and unstressed men to take a look at some images of women, and rate their attractiveness. The images varied in body size, from underweight to obese. Finally, they recorded the participants own weight, height, and hunger status, as controlling variables.

The results were clear. The stressed out guys preferred a larger body size than their relaxed counterparts – but that was not all. “Men experiencing stress not only perceive a heavier female body size as maximally attractive, but also more positively perceive heavier female body sizes and have a wider range of body sizes considered physically attractive.

There may be less to this than meets the eye, according to colleague Victor Payan:

Mas…Nasty Nalgas Research: Stressed out guys like big butts (with videos)

Remake of Spanish classic, this ‘Lazarillo Z’ has zombies (trailer)

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In this remake of the 16th-Century Spanish-language novel, The Life of Lazarillo de Tormes and of His Fortunes and Adversities, we follow the adventures of young Lazarillo Z. He’s just a poor boy, from a poor family, who has to live by his wits after being sold to a series of cruel masters. In this upcoming production from Spain, everyone’s tryin’ bring the poor kid down, including zombies. And the trailer has a totally unexpected ending. (Spanish with English subtitles. Gory zombie stuff.)

White Supremacists: This I.Q. test weeds out the really stupid ones

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White supremacists are getting increasingly stupid. When I visited the Stormfront web page (screenshot above) I found it incorrectly displayed in all its “HTML View” glory, proclaiming a twisted worldview of “White Pride World Wide.”

I hope the portly Web Nazi who uploaded his masterpiece realizes that it actually highlights the supremacy of Black HTML Text over a White European background.

And how about the skinheaded dishonorable human discharge in Milwaukee who attacked a Sikh temple? He was so stupid he shot and murdered the peaceful Sikhs because they wore turbans.

Thank Aryan Jesus that our Blonde Lord decreed that his stupid-ass disciple Wade Michael Page was to die in a pool of his own inferior blood. At least those superior genes will not go on.

To weed out the growing idiocy in the White Supremacy movement, we’ve created a very helpful Aryan I.Q. Test that organizations full of morons like the Aryan Nations, The National Association for the Advancement of White People, the Arizona Hammerskins and the Nazi Low Riders can use to cull their members before they do even more stupid crap.

Mas…White Supremacists: This I.Q. test weeds out the really stupid ones

Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

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Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Man hits breakfast taco with flyswatter, finds face of Jesus Christ

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It was an ordinary day in Beeville, TX, according to Paul Gonzalez of the Beeville Bee-Picayune:

BEEVILLE— There was nothing inherently different about Ernesto Garza when he walked into the newspaper office with a piece of foil folded in half.

An older man who attends La Amistad Adult Daycare, Garza walked in, sat down and said, “I have something to show you.”

“I was sitting just like I am now,” Garza said. “I ate more than half of my taco, then a fly was flying around, so I grabbed the flyswatter, and I hit it, and when I looked down, I saw it.”

It was the face of Jesus looking up at him from his half-eaten tortilla.

Mas…Man hits breakfast taco with flyswatter, finds face of Jesus Christ

The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms

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Pope Benedict XVI‘s 2010 statement that condoms are OK to prevent the spread of HIV is getting new attention now that some religious institutions are fighting a mandate to offer birth control as part of employee health plans.

The Pontiff’s relaxing the rules on condoms was mostly overlooked when he made it, along with Pocho Ocho other changes in Catholic doctrine you might not be aware of:

8. Premarital sex still forbidden except on alternate side of the week Thursdays.

7. It’s now OK to refer to the Three Wise Men as the Three Wise Dudes.

6. Confession now starts with “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned but You Only Live Once.”

Mas…The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms

California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money

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(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) The latest attempt to alleviate the Golden State’s fiscal problems comes from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), which proposed the idea of merging with the California Department of Education (CDOE).

“After comparing the type of education that a student receives in the public school system with that offered to inmates in county jails, we have concluded that the level of education is about the same,” CDCR’s Planning Director Matthew Cole told a press conference here Monday.

“The overlap between the two systems creates enormous waste; therefore, we believe the state would save billions by having the Department of Corrections absorb the school system.”

Mas…California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money

Mexclusive: Curiosity’s cameras photograph possible alien life-form

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BREAKING NEWS: The Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena has just released the first in a series of photographs from the Curiosity Mars Rover that appear to show a strange alien life-form on the surface of the Red Planet. POCHO is following the story and will bring you updates as they come in.

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do you ‘feel locky’? (video)

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Se hacen llaves (Feeling locky): After a long day at work, Misifús Godínez just wants to go home and rest. Nevertheless, a broken key and a peculiar locksmith will stand in the way for peace. (Después de un largo día de trabajo, Misifús Godínez solo quiere llegar a su casa a descansar. Sin embargo, no contaba con que una llave rota y un cerrajero muy peculiar se interpondrán entre él y su tranquilidad.)

Ñewsweek: Ostriches attack, burritos offend and chickens go gay

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It was an ordinary day in an ordinary Mexican convenience store and recorded in grainy black and white by an ordinary surveillance video camera. And then the masked luchador entered – with a posse of ostriches.

This POCHO ñewsweek featured the Florida burritos with offensive names, chicken culture war hawk Col. Sanders’s statement on gay marriage and a chance for you to join Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’s personal campaign to help the survivors of the Anaheim police department’s trigger-happy cops. Here are the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Ostriches attack, burritos offend and chickens go gay

Documentary: ‘Zoot Suit’ knows the way to Monterey (video)

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In 2008, Monterey County education officials (Central California) mounted a massive effort to stage three separate productions of Luis Valdez’ epic play, Zoot Suit, featuring combined casts and crews of kids from all their high schools. This documentary follows the teachers, Valdez, local volunteers and student actors from planning through auditions to show time.

The next time someone complains that arts education programs are a waste of money or that teachers are ripping off taxpayers, ask them to watch this video. They probably won’t watch, but if they do, and still don’t think Monterey County did a good thing, un-friend them on Facebook. With friends like that, you don’t need enemies!

If they agree, then let’s all bailar to Lalo Guerrero’s Los Chucos Suaves!

Mas…Documentary: ‘Zoot Suit’ knows the way to Monterey (video)

Community offers a loving goodbye to Lupe Ontiveros

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They say everyone loves you when you’re dead. Everyone can also love you when you’re alive, if you’re Lupe Ontiveros.

The funny, talented and bursting with life Mexican-American actress passed away last Thursday in Whittier, CA.

My son and I attended Lupe Ontiveros’ Rosary service last night in Pico Rivera to pay our last respects to Lupe and her family. (See my photo of program from the memorial service.)

It was overflowing with family, friends and fans. One of her three sons read an opening note (sent via Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis) from President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama,  a message of condolence from the White House.

Everybody in Chicano theater and film was there, including Zoot Suit playwright Luis Valdez, actor Edward James Olmos, Vanessa Marquez, Pepe Serna, Evelina Fernandez, the guys from Culture Clash, UFW co-founder Dolores Huerta, current UFW President Arturo Rodriguez and many more. A girl in a “Goonies Forever” T-shirt sat near us in the balcony.

Continued at NBC Latino…

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