“I dance all night, I’m trouble every day!”
Veronica “marks its corner of the sandbox with disdain and rancor. Frontman Omar’s voice traces base desires along electronic body music lines with Marilyn Manson-meets-Orgy groans. Naked is a stripped, raw and tightly magnificent pause in the happy-pop-fed masses’ pathetic existence,” José Benavides writes over at Remezcla, and who are we to disagree? One minute and 38 seconds of WIN from these Brooklyn pochos.
I’ve been operating under the assumption that the average man has no love in his heart.
It’s a strange subconscious feeling that slowly crept into my daily life. I think, however, media played a bigger role in its development than my real interactions with others.
I know it’s not true, and up until recently, I wasn’t even aware that I felt that way.
I was thinking about the whole Daniel Tosh rape thing and I just thought to myself: Well, what do you expect? Men are not capable of love.
It was more than just a fleeting thought. It was a foundational belief that has been shaping how I look at the world.
I have to admit, when you see the position of women in our world, it’s hard to believe men can love. When men call us sluts and whores and cunts, it’s hard to believe they feel any ounce of love. When you see the rape statistics, when you meet victims of rape, when you yourself have been assaulted, it’s really hard to think men can love.
However, bringing it back to Tosh, that doesn’t mean rape can’t be funny.
Rape victims are not fragile damaged hysterical women who burst into crying fits every time someone says the word rape. Actually, I’ve known both male and female rape victims who can find a rape joke funny because they don’t define who they are as a “rape victims.” They are just people who got raped.
Indulge me as I further illustrate my point.
Mas…Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your chicken wings: Rape jokes!
Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy
Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.
Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.
Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita
Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo
POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal puts on his Daily Show Senior Latino Correspondent hat and rubber gloves to spice up the Mexican presidential elections with smuggled negative political advertisements.
(PNS reporting from DITTOSTAN) Just a day after revealing that The Dark Knight Rises villain ‘Bane’ is actually Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh has uncovered even more insidious left-wing propaganda in the eagerly-anticipated film:
The movie, Limbaugh told his radio audience, is part of the Kenyan Socialist media conspiracy and President Obama is “The Darkie Knight.”
“Friends, I am sitting here today in the EIB studio and I have to tell you, I am really, really, realllllly high. Have you guys seen this movie, what’s it called? Yeah, The Dark Knight? Wow…just wow…folks, it’s a real liberal whammy, OK? Uncle Rushbo is giving it to you straight here – I’ve seen the darkie knight and his name is Obama. Hang on a second, folks, I have to play with myself again,” Limbaugh said during yesterday’s program.
Mas…Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’
Luchano el Luchador was a wrestling great, a headliner – once upon a time. Now he’s washed up, works a depressing day job and has no hope for the future, until he picks up a card from a business that promises to change his life.
Make sure you keep watching through the elaborate credits (Puta #1, Puta #2, Puta #3, etc.) for the “shaggy dog story” ending!
The Boy Scouts of American today reaffirmed their policy denying membership to gay boys. But wait, there’s more!
Who are the Pocho Ocho OTHER forbidden scouts? You can’t be a Boy Scout if you’re
8. Tired
7. Poor
6. Huddled, massed and/or yearning to be free
Mas…No gays allowed and Pocho Ocho other forbidden Boy Scouts
The few, the proud, the wet. Meet the Mexican Navy!
Dear MR. POCHO:
My name is Miss Evangela Joseph. I have decided to donate $10,000,000 you.
George Lopez had some choice words for Hate State of Arizona Marciopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio in his HBO special Saturday night. Sheriff Joe has oinked his objections and wants Lopez to say it to his snout, err, face. (Bad words bleeped.)
Can you spot the drunken alien?
I made my regular trek to San Diego this past weekend for the Comic-Con orgy of cosplay and mass-media promotion and I’ve got the pics to prove it.
I had signings, slideshows, spoke at an inner-city “Counter Con” to promote the comic arts to kids and grabbed super chingon Simpsons creator Matt Groening and begged him draw a sketch at MY signing. (Sorry, Matt.) I also chased nerdos y nerdas in their Latino-inspired costumes and snapped photos of them.
I undertake this trying mission to document parts of the ultra-crowded convention so that you don’t have to go and get constantly elbowed in the knees by ewoks. Or have to hear fundamentalist Christian preachers warning throngs of people dressed as aliens that they are “going to burn in hell.”
Live long and prosper, and enjoy the show!
Peep the photo gallery here:
Mas…My photos from Comic-Con 2012 San Diego (and some extras)
East Los Angeles’ Las Cafeteras walk the walk with this rebel version of La Bamba. “Yo no soy marinero” becomes “Yo no creo en fronteras” and “Soy capitan” is now “Yo cruzare.” Son jarocho and alt.folklorico rootsy ritmo manifest the Spanish lyrics in sound, and we must offer POCHO props for super location videography in the hood!
Here’s an audio only version:
And did you know you could make your own cajon just like in the video (that’s the box drum)? We’ve got links and stuff.
Mas…Las Cafeteras: ‘La Bamba Rebelde’ from East Los (music video)
Remember how Chevrolet totally FAILED when they introduced the Chevy Nova (photo) because “no va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish and people all over Latin America just laughed and laughed at the stupid gringos and didn’t buy any Novas? That story is bullshit.
But English en Espanol can be as wack as Spanish in Ingles, and that’s why these Pocho Ocho Mexican products have bleak sales prospects in Los United Estates:
8. Bicho Killer insecticide
7. Her Pez canned tuna
6. Golden Piscina bubble bath
Mas…Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.
GOP wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney tried his very best to appeal to the Colored People at their National Association’s annual convention; we’ve got the transcript.
And son Craig Romney tried his very best to appeal to Latinos in a Spanish-language ad for his dad. We translated the commercial for the Ingles-espeaking masses.
The publishing world looks to appeal to the hot and fiery soft-porn-loving Latina book-buying public with the upcoming Fifty Shades of Brown. Can Big Books, Inc. tie up the mujeres’ market?
These big POCHO stories topped the exciting reportage roster that broke the ñews this week and here are the links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’
Girl From Monterrey (1943): Mexican club singer Lita Valdez (Armida) is amazed to find that her younger brother Alberto is a talented boxer and is even more thrilled by his consistent success in the ring. Till [sic] he is forced to fight Jerry O’Leary, the man she loves. Caught between her devotion to both men, Lita tries her best to have the match canceled, but there is much more to the boxing racket than she had ever imagined…
This is a public domain video from the Internet Archive,where one of the commenters thinks he spots actor Jay Silverheels in the bar fight at 6:15…
Craig Romney narrated a new Spanish-language advertisement for his dad, GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney. Here’s a version with English subtitles/captions for folks who don’t espeak Spanish.
Here’s our translation of an Spanish-language Craig Romney commercial from earlier this year:
Mas…Craig Romney’s Spanish ad for dad now with English subtitles (video)
LUNCHTIME JAM: “I love America, but boy can she be cruel,” ritmo maniac David Byrne sings. Yes, he is wearing a kilt.
And chair dance with more Byrne, this time in mambo-land:
Mas…David Byrne: ‘Miss America,’ ‘Make-Believe Mambo’ (music videos)
I have long said it is a Pocho Planet, and maybe you can make the case that it’s a Naco World as well!
We all know what a pocha or a pocho is, and the greatness and prestige that designation implies. But if you aren’t clear, or wondering what the hell naco means, watch this mun2 video featuring Gustavo Arellano, Jenni Rivera, Commander Adama plus many other cool folks. And me.
Thanks to the gente at mun2 for having me!
Naco was the Word of the Day at the Daily Texican in 2004
It’s everything you want in a movie! All your favorite characters in ONE SHORT TRAILER! The plot:
La Llorona is on trial, accused of killing her children, but she maintains they were stolen by El Chupacabra (who is also an evil narcotraficante.) Can pachuco luchador El Güey come to her rescue?
There’s a great news video about the production but we can’t embed it, so click here for a Lone Star Scene report from the Austin, TX movie set.
POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz is leaving Rancho Pocho in East Los to return his Olde Home Towne of San Diego this weekend for Comic-Con 2012. This video shows and tells how he plans to roll. Lalo’s site has the deets.
Mexican Mitt Romney just spoke to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People convention in Houston, TX and we have the transcript:
—BEGIN TRANSCRIPT—
Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name.
Good mornings, black humans. I am Mexican Mitt Romney. I know it is crazy to speak to you here at the NAACP, but guatever.
I will not be the Presidente for only the East Coast, or the West Coast. I do not believe in your geographic gang rivalries. I want to be the Presidente for all the people, but mainly the rich people. I know you already have Black Reagan as your Presidente, but hear me out.
Tomorrow Vice President Joe Biden will speak before you, please do not let him drink a 40-ouncer before he comes onstage, just sayin’. I won’t let any special interests like black people get in the way, whoops, that’s from my GOP nomination speech.
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Greater Los Angeles Hispanic Republicans (GLAHR) will host a fundraiser Sunday for the GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney — a gala named after his wife: Ann’s Quinceañera.
The campaign event, patterned on a Mexican girl’s coming of age celebration, will celebrate Ann Romney as quinceañera. Tickets are available from GLAHR for a $1,500 donation, while padrino sponsorships are available starting at $15,000.
“This is an opportunity for the Hispanic community to get to know Ann and Mitt, and for us to give Ann the quinceañera that she never had,” GLAHR president, Louis Barba — also padrino of the cake — told PNS.
Ann Romney already had her dress fitting at Memories Boutique in Santa Ana, CA. “Every girl wants to be a princess on her quince, and Ann, well, really is like an actual Mormon-American princess,” store owner Minerva Gallegos, la madrina del vestido, said in a phone interview.
Mas…Quinceañera GOP fundraiser planned for princess Ann Romney
Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada
Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.
BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.
Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita
Mas…Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis
Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I give you the recipe for Rajas con Crema. This was inspire by a trip to the store that sells Mexican things like dancing papier mâché skeletons, Frida Kahlo key chains, overpriced things for the wall. You know, is like Mexican Disneyland. I went in looking for a rebozo to give as a present for my comadre’s birthday.
I find the skinny hipster girl behind the cash register and I say, “Do you have any rebozos?”
“What’s that?” she say.
Anyone who knows Tia Lencha knows that she wanted to give the hipster girl a coco in la cabeza. “What do you mean what’s that? Is…a shawl…like you call it in English.”
“Oh. No,” she say.
“No what?”
“We don’t have those here,” she say. And she turn around like we were finish.
Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Rajas con crema if you don’t espeak English
¡La gente unida jamás será vencida! French-Chilean musician Ana Tijoux‘s new video Shock defends the rights of immigrants in Arizona.
Johnny Cash somehow manages a version of Ring of Fire en Español. Thanks to Remezcla for the link!
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Major book publisher Vintage House Editions announced the release this week of a Latino version of the popular soft-porn bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey.
Written by Santa Fe-based author Carmen Camacho, Fifty Shades of Brown is the erotic tale of a young woman swept up by a charming, detached older man and their tumultuous path towards amor.
The Spanish version of the original book, 50 Tonos de Café, has already been optioned for a Univision telenovela to be titled Te Sigo Pegando.
“Fifty Shades of Brown was written with the Latino market in mind and includes culturally-specific elements like facial hair, tequila and charreada-style BDSM instead of just the normal kind,” according to Vintage House spokesman Tristan Caldwell. “We think we can tie this audience up.”
Mas…Will ‘Fifty Shades of Brown’ dominate Latino erotica market?
(PNS reporting from PUERTO RICO) With construction and testing officially completed on the Large Piña Collider (LAPICO), scientists here are ready to begin their high-tech search for the elusive sub-atomic particle that powers the popular cocktail.
LAPICO is a tunnel 25km (15.5 miles) in circumference in the western half of the island, southeast of San Sebastian (satellite photo, above.) Its ring of ice-cooled vacuum pipes are capable of accelerating a stream of maraschino cherries up to 99% of the speed of light (SOL.)
Once the cherries are launched and precision measuring devices determine they are virtually SOL they are fired into a solid pineapple wedge suspended in a large tank of white rum in a state of Marreri-Cofresí equilibrium. The scattered fragments of the collision are measured by a network of repurposed breathalyzer devices and then plotted by computer.
Scientists hope that the Large Piña Collider will be able to find evidence of the elusive Jugos Boson, the so-called Cream Particle which gives all coconut products their silky mouth-feel.
Mas…Puerto Rican scientists ready to activate Large Piña Collider
A seemingly-friendly contractor hires a migrant laborer for a house painting job but their relationship soon gets complicated. Will their man crush outlast the law?
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce and the U.S. Labor Department are launching a campaign to promote Hispanic workers.
The Mexicans Work Better campaign encourages American business owners to hire Latino workers for whatever jobs are open and at whatever salary.
“Since the Spanish arrival in the Americas, Latinos have been great workers. We want to encourage U.S. business owners to continue to hire them, at whatever cost,” Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Adrian García told a Monday morning press conference in the Watergate Hotel.
“By hiring Latino workers, business owners get people with a good work ethic, and Latinos get the chance to buy themselves a pack of tortillas — maybe even two. It’s a fair trade.”
Mas…Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce: ‘Mexicans work better’
Face it, pochos, money can’t buy you love. But respect –R-E-S-P-E-C-T — well, that can go a long way towards letting your love light shine.
And that’s why we want to remind you once again of a very special opportunity to earn the respect of your peers, street cred in your neighborhood and, possibly, the approbation of total strangers from all across the InterT00bZ, if not actual cash.
All you need to do is to send POCHO your dreams and nightmares for distribution on the World Wide Web — for the greater good of humanity. Send original photos, videos, cartoons, illustrations, short stories and ñews that will amuse, titillate and elevate America. Is that so much to ask?
Mas…Write, draw or shoot for POCHO and win the respect of your peers
They journeyed hundreds of miles to make a new life in a new land. They crossed borders, forded rivers and walked in the burning heat. But nobody expected the Zombie Migra!