Sometimes you feel like a zombie, sometimes you need to just pop a cap on his pinche butt. Especially when they sing and dance! [SFW but gangs, guns, gore.]
PREVIOUSLY ON ZOMBIES:
If you’re gonna quit your shitty insurance company job, why not make it a fiesta? All you need is a banana suit and some mariachis….
PREVIOUSLY ON MARIACHIS:
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”
“I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”
Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported.
A special PSA for popular high school kids who are on top of the world: enjoy it, because it won’t last.
It doesn’t get better.
Take note, be warned and good luck!
8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face.
7. The “I’m in the bathroom but I swear I didn’t just take a shit” selfie featuring a peace sign, your face, the bathroom mirror and the toilet you just used in the background.
6. The “Look I have friends, I swear” selfie with a group of people you never talk about or reference, but refer to as “besties,” “bros,” or “homies” every few months in the selfies you take together.
It’s one thing to like pop music, quite another to love mariachi pop music.
We thought this mariachi take on “Wake Me Up” by Aviccii was a good exception.
Watch, share and enjoy!
Mariachi image via anja_johnson
(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams.
“You know, I think it was Fate — with a capital ‘F.’ It was 3:42 PM on a Thursday and I was feeling frustrated at my account manager job at an international insurance company. I felt a spiritual lightness I had never experienced before,” the Arlington Heights man told PNS.
“It was amazing, like all my ennui and weltschmerz was gone!”
(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.”
“Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,” lead researcher Dr. Germán Gutiérrez told a press conference here Tuesday. “They supply magical sounds, as well as protein and lots of fiber.”
(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night.
“He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So lame!” Martinez, 25, lamented to PNS.
“Why do guys always have to lie about how big their pipis are?!”
Loya, 28, an architect, was quiet after leaving Martinez’s rent-controlled apartment, shivering, pacing on the sidewalk, looking up at her window, hoping she would give him a chance to explain.
PREVIOUSLY ON HOLIDAY CULTURE ALERTS:
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.
“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”
Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”
“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”
Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.
You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls.
“Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn rim frames from Warby Parker.
According to insiders, Perry thought the hipster glasses would not only make him more likeable but would also make people think he’s smarter, too.
“I watch Dr. Who,” said Perry. “I’m been hanging at Waterloo Records trying to make friends with guys with beards. I’m growing some fierce sideburns.”
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Some fashion trends from the 1990s have been back in vogue for a while — everything from flannel to baby doll dresses and chokers — but one fashion trend has insiders abuzz this Fall: Chanclas with socks, newly re-branded as Chocks.
Rebuffed by mainstream fashion in the 1990s, the once-criticized trend is finding its home in a world where Miley Cyrus’ trashy fashion thrives.
“Chocks are a spin on a traditional Chicano way of dressing,” said Marisol Mejia, a chola-turned-designer here who is making waves in the fashion world. “What you have to realize is that it’s all in how you wear it, not just what.”
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Hillary Clinton formally announced her candidacy for President Sunday night, and PNS has learned San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro will be her running mate.
“Latinos are the ‘in’ thing — and Hillary knows that — she’s never been one to ignore what’s in vogue,” a source close to the campaign told PNS.
“Plus, all those Latino votes!”
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) The new Jennifer Lopez Barbie Doll has a suspicious lack of derriere, hurting Mattel’s effort to
pander to cater to the young Latina market.
The outcry, mostly online, prompted Mattel to a hold real live press conference here Thursday to try and do some damage control.
“The steep increase in the cost of plastic is beyond the control of Mattel, or our manufacturers,” spokeswoman Elena Guajardo told reporters in a Trump Towers conference room, while an assistant Tweeted her remarks to the Internets.
“Due to global shortages of plastic and plastic precursors, Mattel was forced to reduce the amount used to manufacture the new JLo Barbie.”
The JLo Barbie was expected to help Mattel in the Latina market.
Previously, Mattel tried shaming young Latinas by presenting them with unrealistic blonde Barbies that promoted internalized oppression, but that approach was a sales flop.
* An interview with the University of Oxford butt fat researcher [Updated 7:45 PM PDT Nov. 2, 2013.]
(PNS reporting from ENGLAND) Scientists at the University of Oxford have uncovered evidence that women with big butts are not only the most intelligent, but also the most resistant to chronic illnesses.
The study examined the fat accumulated in different parts of a woman’s body, and found that women with a phat ass were less likely to get diabetes, since they are more likely to produce hormones to metabolize sugar.
What’s more, women with big booties tended to have lower levels of cholesterol and fewer heart problems, according to the study.
We translated the Fafhoo Noticas report:
Women with a big butt, wide hips and a narrow waist can live longer, and even be more intelligent, since the Omega 3 fats stored in their butts support brain development.
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Local “birthers” have temporarily put aside their doubts about Pres. Barack Obama’s citizenship to a focus on a question closer to home:
Is Texas State Senator Wendy Davis – a Democratic candidate for governor – a secret Latina?
They assert that Davis is the Anglo version of Juana; that Davis was born into a Mexican family in Oklahoma, and after successfully using her heritage and gender to get into Harvard Law School, she descended on the Lone Star State to reclaim Texas for Aztlán.
Davis gained national attention in June with a filibuster against a Republican bill to severely restrict abortions (while wearing sneakers.) She officially announced her candidacy on October 3.
“There’s no way a real Texan, would be on the side of Latinos in this state — haven’t you been paying attention?” asked Mary Jones, founder of the North Texas Tea Party Patriots, who is also an Obama birther.
“The truth is that we don’t know the truth. She could be a secret Aztlanist who’s been ‘passing’ all this time, we just don’t know, all we’re doing is asking the question.”
(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Actress Jennifer Lopez was honored at the Espiritu Awards last night, netting the coveted Best Non-Mexican Actress Who Plays A Mexican In Every Role Award.
“I’m just so grateful to all of you who see in me what every casting agent in Hollywood sees: a Mexican. Which is actually better than being a real Mexican, because then I can actually get work,” she told a gleeful crowd as she accepted her award.
“If it weren’t for Mexicans, I would not have the career I do today, thank you, thank you!”
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) Geneticists at Boston University have discovered the gene in men that gives them the strength, stamina and expertise to take out the trash.
According to an article published Monday in the journal Science, the gene is located near other genetic material that corresponds to mens’ inherent superior ability to mow the lawn and open tight jar lids.
(PNS reporting from STOCKHOLM) A Latina math professor was awarded the Nobel Prize in Mathematics Wednesday for her discovery of the mathematical relationship between dress dimensions and the bulbousness of the culo.
“It’s such a surprise! I was just trying to figure out how to shop for clothes that would fit me without making me look like a puta,” said Cal State L.A. Professor Rosie Carrasco, speaking to PNS from the kitchen of her mom’s house in East L.A.
Carrasco’s discovery — the Culo Quotient — is a rigorous mathematical formula that uses the ratio of the length of a back of a a dress (typically shorter) and the length of the longer front of a dress to derive an accurate measurement of the size of the dress-wearer’s culo.
Her discovery was initially released on the Internet, before a movement sprung up to nominate her for the Nobel Prize.
She is the first Latina to win the prestigious award.
(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends.
“I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why would she be so mean?”
Clarissa Cortés told PNS she was “just not having it,” after a 10-hour day balancing the books at Ponce de Leon Wholesale Rejuvenation Supplies and then fighting the traffic on the Palmetto Expressway. She just wanted to leave Tobacco Road on South Miami Avenue and go home to Brickell. Torres’ catcall was the last straw, she said.
“Oh hell no, not after the day I had,” Cortés said. “So I turned around, flipped him the bird and told him that he was an hijo de puta!”
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) In Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Two, Morrissey sailed the ocean blue — seeking passage to a special show in Indio.
With a few wrong turns, Morrissey’s tour bus got lost on the freeway, and the British singer and former frontman of The Smiths ended up at a gas station in East Los Angeles.
And it was on this day in history that Morrissey made an awesome discovery: Chicanos.
“They were unlike anything I had ever seen before,” the singer told PNS in an exclusive pre-Hispanic Heritage Month interview. “My life has never been the same since! How can they look into our eyes, and still they don’t believe us?”