Cartel street battle in Mexico ends in rout of French gang invaders

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Federales are cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Cartel street battle in Mexico ends in rout of French gang invaders

Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal

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tortillas on a comal(PNS reporting from Edinburg, TX) A corn tortilla was released from its physical shell and achieved enlightenment last night when it was inadvertently consumed by fire during Gil Trejo’s dinner preparations.

The University of South Texas assistant professor of Latin American literature was heating the traditional Mexican flat bread to accompany leftover frijoles con queso when he became distracted by an intense scene in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. He sat down in his living room, thoughtlessly leaving the comal unattended.

Alone, on the flat metal griddle, the tortilla de maiz burst into flames, releasing its essence from saṃsāra and leaving behind naught but the charred husk of its temporary shell.

Mas…Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal

Breaking: Mexican troops say French use poison gas in Puebla

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital.

If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by the Lincoln Administration in Washington.

“Oh simon, it was gas,” said one eyewitness rushed from the front by the cavalry. “French General Pepe Le Pew knows he is losing the la guerra and he is desperate. We think it is the deadly gas de brie, which these queseros love.”

Mas…Breaking: Mexican troops say French use poison gas in Puebla

‘Play Hard’ is the David Guetta music video THEY don’t want you to see

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David Guetta’s new Play Hard music video featuring Ne-Yo and Akon is just too much for some politically-correct pendejos including Defender of La Raza Perez Hilton. They be all hatin’ on the jainas licking paletas, the celebration of botas picudas, the firme cholos with tats. We say it has a good beat and it’s easy to dance to. WWFD? What Would Frida Do?

Latino filmmaker claims Zach Braff stole his Kickstarter funding

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Actor and film director Zach Braff has raised $2 million in three days to fund a follow-up to his 2004 film, Garden State.

Over 30,000 Kickstarter backers pledged $2.1-plus million to Braff’s Wish I Was Here, with 25 days left in the campaign.

Not everyone is pleased with the results of this highly-successful crowd-funding effort. Chicano filmmaker Cuahctemoc Esperanza is upset that Braff raised millions yet no one has pledged any Kickstarter money for his documentary Chicana/o Vegan-themed Musical Resistance in Chiapas During the Early 90s.

Mas…Latino filmmaker claims Zach Braff stole his Kickstarter funding

So you say you’re a teacher? Hahaha! What do you make? (video)

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My mom lit Shabbat candles every Friday night. She always closed her eyes and asked God to bless our grandparents, our parents, our aunts, our uncles, our brothers and sisters, our cousins and our friends. And right in there with friends and families and sisters and cousins she asked God to bless “our beloved teachers.” This video shows why.

Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

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(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) Reese Witherspoon trotted out her East L.A. roots over the weekend after her husband was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

“Who do you think you are?” Reese demanded during the traffic stop. “You can’t treat my man like that! Do you know who I am? If you don’t know now, you will soon, cabrón! Ain’t nobody mess with my man but me!”

Witnesses said Witherspoon’s head bobbed back and she waved her arms erratically.

From the police report:

Mas…Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

LOLS: Siri talks to Google Voice who talks to Siri who talks to… (video)

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A student at Pratt in New York set up a text-to-speech-to-text loop and the results are amazing and funny. We’ll let Michael Silber explain:

PROCESS

  1. I recorded the audio of Siri reading a selection of text.
  2. I placed a call to myself and played the Siri audio recording into my Google Voice voicemail.
  3. I instructed Siri to read the new Google Voice transcription, including any errors, and recorded a new audio clip.
  4. I placed a call to myself and played the new Siri audio recording back into my Google Voice voicemail.

— I repeated these steps for 50 iterations.

Mas…LOLS: Siri talks to Google Voice who talks to Siri who talks to… (video)

Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

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It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):

If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.

“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

CDC health warning: Small pipi syndrome hits middle-aged men

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Centers for Disease Control is warning of an emerging epidemic hitting middle-aged men who have just begun to go bald and gain weight.

Medical experts are terming the new outbreak “small pipi syndrome” and the list of symptoms is alarming:

Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

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Jar of Herdez Salsa Casera(PNS reporting from OXNARD, CA) Sam Fuentes is certain he and his kids would be dead today if God hadn’t intervened.

“The Lord Almighty — with a strong hand and an outstretched arm — saved us from the Grim Reaper, that’s for sure!” the Del Norte businessman and father of two told PNS. “That salsa coulda killed us, but it didn’t.”

Fuentes called the POCHO ñewsroom tipline (408-POCHO-28) to share his story.

The brush with death by salsa, his voicemail said, began Sunday morning after church when he began preparing pot roast for his children Selena, 9, and Chente, 11, who were “his” over the weekend per terms of the custody agreement with his ex-wife Evangelina.

“I got the recipe right off the Internets from the Herdez gente. I trust Herdez Salsa Casera. I have toda confianza, just like the label says. It’s Mexico’s favorite and my mom always swore by it,” Fuentes said:

Mas…Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

Angry Tejanos demand British Museum return Freddy Fender’s wig

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) Tejanos want singer Freddy Fender’s wig back.

The Música Committee of the Narciso Martinez Cultural Arts Center in San Benito last week demanded the British Museum effect “the immediate return of this important Tejano cultural item.”

The salt-and-pepper Afro-style toupee, called “Freddy’s Fro,” disappeared from the singer’s home shortly after his death in 2006 and reappeared this winter in the Museum’s “Ethnic Minorities in the United States” exhibit on a mannequin of the singer, best known for his 1970s’ hit Wasted Days and Wasted Nights.

Mas…Angry Tejanos demand British Museum return Freddy Fender’s wig

Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

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It’s tough for hermanas out there trying to find love — especially with the anonymity of the online dating world. What makes it even harder for Latinas online is how easy it can be for dudes to be jerks, specifically, racist jerks.

Here’s our list of the top eight racist things said to Latinas in online dating sites:

8. I’ll be your anchor baby.

7. Chupa mi cabra.

6. Our future children won’t speak Spanish, like real Americans.

Mas…Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

Breaking: Jan Brewer signs bill banning Chechen Studies

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Gov. Jan Brewer has signed into law a bill banning the state’s schools from teaching Chechen Studies classes, defined as history, anthropology and literature courses designed to teach the stories, histories, struggles and triumphs of the Chechen people through their own unique perspectives.

The bill (HB2013) passed by the Legislature states that schools will lose state funding if they offer any courses that “promote the overthrow of the U.S. government, promote resentment of a particular race or class of people, are designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group, advocate ethnic solidarity or just plain educate the students.”

Mas…Breaking: Jan Brewer signs bill banning Chechen Studies

Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling

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cacaprotest

(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO, CA) With defiant shouts of “Don’t Cauc me, bro!” and “Chechnya? I just metchnya!” dozens of Caucasian-Americans filled the corners of city parks and the edges of town squares across the Nation Sunday to protest what they call “illegal racial profiling” against Caucasians.

The identification of two Caucasian-American suspects in the Boston Marathon bombings has resulted in both nasty words and police harassment, they claim.

Mas…Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling

Latina discovers talent for poetry by saying random words slowly

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(PNS reporting from SAN FRANCISCO)  Marce “More-Say” Figueroa discovered her talent for poetry this time last year when her roommate told her she was talking in her sleep.

After that conversation, Figueroa started writing down the random words that popped into her head when she woke up. Soon, she realized what she was really writing was poetry — and April is National Poetry Month!

“Angie my roommate was all, like, ‘Wow Marce, that’s great,’” she told PNS. “She was so inspired that I started writing more poems, and after a reading in the City College of San Francisco cafeteria, I changed my name to More-Say, instead of Marce, because it’s like poetry, you know?”

Mas…Latina discovers talent for poetry by saying random words slowly

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