Father Guido Sarducci: Afraid of poison, Pope Francis cooks own food

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Vatican Correspondent for the Vatican Enquirer Father Guido Sarducci called in on Special Assignment Friday afternoon to the Pocho Hour of Power radio show on KPFK.

Father Sarducci, who we all first met on Saturday Night Live, gave a behind-the-velvet-robe look into the recent Papal Conclave in Rome. Hear him dish on the plans for The Pope Emeritus and hear what Pope name Father Sarducci himself would have taken, if called to higher service.

Holy smoke signal, this is funny!

Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

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Some, like POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, say it started with Tapatio-flavored Fritos, Doritos, and Ruffles.

Others trace the flavor reconquista to Starbucks’ testing out nopal-flavored espresso drinks in East Los Angeles. But know this: The national introduction of Tapatio-flavored Lays potato chips next week is only the beginning.

Flavoristas say you should look out for these Pocho Ocho Mexican-flavored products in the near future:

8. Horchata-flavored Jaegermeister: Hormeister!

7. Tres Flores presents serrano-chile-flavored bigote wax — sabor picante is just a lick away

6. Chia Coke

Mas…Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on St. Patrick’s Day

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LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow Sunday at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley. Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on St. Patrick’s Day

PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope ‘Don’ Francisco I swaps Latino for Latin

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BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from THE VATICAN) With the selection of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as Pope “Call Me Don” Francisco I, winds of change are blowing from the Western and Southern Hemispheres to refresh the stale air of Rome.

The first big change, PNS has learned, is the gradual replacement of Latin in church communications and prayers with the more widely-spoken and understood Latino language.

Other expected changes:

Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

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The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting  other aspects of American government.

Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:

8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays

7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000

6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week

Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

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The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope.  In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.

Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”

But that’s not all!  Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:

8. Green smoke:  Habemus frogam

7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous

6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?

Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out

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THIS JUST IN: (PNS reporting from REDMOND, WA) Former Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy, fired after a controversial career just trying to help some people out for crissake, will come out as gay in a forthcoming tell-all autobiography, PNS has learned.

The book, tentatively titled ☑ Don’t Ask Me Again, details Clippy’s crush on icon rival Happy Mac (photo), tempestuous meetings with erstwhile colleague Microsoft Bob, and all-night drug-fueled parties with the Tux, the Linux Penguin.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out

Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

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OK, mi gente, now I am really, really angry. Since I have last written, I have thought long and hard about the present state of the Catholic Church.

It has occurred to me that the “speaking points” of Ash Wednesday, apply specifically to the Catholic Church and the immediate legal and public relations problems that beset it now. If you recall, the deacon spoke of things we might “give up” for Lent. Things such as:

Mas…Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

Pocho Ocho ways to deal with a boss who is ‘all hands’

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Women’s History Month is a good time to spotlight sexual harassment at work.

Congress has reauthorized the Violence Against Women Act, sure, but legal action isn’t always an option, like when you’re on a business trip with the boss, or in his office for a late-night meeting.

Here are the pocho ocho ways to fend off a boss who is all hands:

8. In your best Latina voice, scream “¡No, patron, por favor, no!”

7.  He’s grabby? Grab back…and squeeeeeeeze!

6. Just go with it — you’re already asking for it with that blouse!

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to deal with a boss who is ‘all hands’

PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Jugo Chavez Energy Drink’ cancelled

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BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from CARACAS) The death of Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez means the Bolivarian Bottling Company has had to cancel plans to produce Jugo Chavez Energy Drink for export to the United Estates, PNS has learned.

The state-owned firm hoped to export the beverage to the U.S. where MEChA chapters, like cookie-selling Girl Scouts, would set up tables selling cans outside student union buildings.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: ‘Jugo Chavez Energy Drink’ cancelled

Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer

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Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.

We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:

8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner

7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup

6. GMO salmon

Mas…Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer

Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

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Eric Brown, 36, of Pt. Lucie, FL, is awaiting an arraignment for “assault” because he allegedly threw a Taco Bell burrito in his 16-year-old brother-in-law’s face.

Just so you don’t run afoul of the Law of Burritos, make note of the pocho ocho things you should never EVER do with a Taco Bell burrito:

8. Smoosh it in a 16-year-old’s face

7. Use it as a suppository

6. Mix with papier mache to make a piñata

Mas…Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

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