Spring began at 7:02 EDT this morning as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the pocho ocho best ways to tell that Spring has sprung:
8. Muslim Brotherhood now wears sundresses to Arab Spring protests and violent crackdowns
7. Hunger-striking Guantanamo Bay prisoners are working on their tans
6. Jan Brewer goes wild in Baja with the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Kappa
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.
But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.
“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) The creators of the miniseries The Bible and the History Channel are denying reports that the character Satan intentionally resembles President Barack Obama.
Producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey dismissed what they called “ridiculous” reports that their mini-series cast the ultimate villain with an actor looked like the President.
“This is utter nonsense. The actor who played Satan, Mehdi Ouzaani, is a highly acclaimed Moroccan actor,” they said in a statement released today.
“He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics– including dark-skinned Kenyan socialist Marxist dictators, and other Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our treasonous, drone-launching Black Panther President.”
Mas…History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’
BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from BIG BEAR, CA) Emerging from a long weekend “off the fuckin’ grid, dude” spent in an isolated mountain cabin with neither Internet nor cell service, area software programmer Carlos Perez has told friends he is angry he missed the entire Lil Wayne near death episode.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Area man pissed he never heard of sizzurp
They didn’t think it could happen to them! Speak to your kids about cooties…before cooties speak to them first.
Are your nails ready for Taco Tuesday? Paint them — but don’t bite them, like POCHO’s Sara Inés Calderón.
Mas…It’s Taco Tuesday! Paint your nails – but don’t bite them (photos)
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.
With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.
“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”
A storm is percolating in the southern Japanese city of Oita, where a politician a la Santo Enmascarado refuses to take off his luchador mask in order to attend city council meetings.
The council members are prohibiting newly-elected Skull Reaper A-Ji from participating in city business unless he is unmasked. Reaper A-Ji refuses to give into the demand, explaining that without his mask he is someone else.
Mas…Japanese city council bans masked councilman ‘Skull Reaper A-Ji’
On the Internets, you can be as Chongalicious as you want. (NSFW language.) Bandwidth, tu sabes, expands to fit the waste available.
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Vatican Correspondent for the Vatican Enquirer Father Guido Sarducci called in on Special Assignment Friday afternoon to the Pocho Hour of Power radio show on KPFK.
Father Sarducci, who we all first met on Saturday Night Live, gave a behind-the-velvet-robe look into the recent Papal Conclave in Rome. Hear him dish on the plans for The Pope Emeritus and hear what Pope name Father Sarducci himself would have taken, if called to higher service.
Holy smoke signal, this is funny!
Let’s settle this gun violence thing once and for all. We need a Free Speech vs Right to Bear Arms shootout…at the United States Constitution Corral.
Some, like POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, say it started with Tapatio-flavored Fritos, Doritos, and Ruffles.
Others trace the flavor reconquista to Starbucks’ testing out nopal-flavored espresso drinks in East Los Angeles. But know this: The national introduction of Tapatio-flavored Lays potato chips next week is only the beginning.
Flavoristas say you should look out for these Pocho Ocho Mexican-flavored products in the near future:
8. Horchata-flavored Jaegermeister: Hormeister!
7. Tres Flores presents serrano-chile-flavored bigote wax — sabor picante is just a lick away
6. Chia Coke
Mas…Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)
Self-consciously cool French dudes sure love their iPads, but sometimes, as the mademoiselles know, one must squeeze Le Charmin, or Le Trefle, as they say in France. D’accord, Monsieur Whipple? Or do we have to mansplain it to you?
LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow Sunday at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.
For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley. Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.
Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on St. Patrick’s Day
The twangy surf sound of twin vintage Fender Jazzmaster* guitars, R&B-meets-mariachi horn section, Tex-Mex accordion, a trumpet solo (!) and great vocals by Raul Malo make for a stellar performance by The Mavericks on Austin City Limits. New record, new tour! Gracias a Latin Alternative for the heads up.
* I’m told they could be Jaguars and not Jazzmasters. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from THE VATICAN) With the selection of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as Pope “Call Me Don” Francisco I, winds of change are blowing from the Western and Southern Hemispheres to refresh the stale air of Rome.
The first big change, PNS has learned, is the gradual replacement of Latin in church communications and prayers with the more widely-spoken and understood Latino language.
Other expected changes:
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope ‘Don’ Francisco I swaps Latino for Latin
Video cameras caught Mexican President Enrique Peña-Nieto resting his eyes Friday during the eulogy for El Commandante Presidente Hugo Chavez delivered by his successor, Nicolas Maduro.
Here’s the video:
Mas…Mexico’s Peña-Nieto rests his eyes at Chavez funeral (photo + video)
Venezuelans are still mourning Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez, who the CIA poisoned with cancer, but that doesn’t mean they can’t sing, according to Justin Timberlake.
The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting other aspects of American government.
Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:
8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays
7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000
6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week
Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’
The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope. In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.
Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”
But that’s not all! Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:
8. Green smoke: Habemus frogam
7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous
6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?
Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white
Chingo Bling and his posse show Drake how it’s really done in Started from the Border. (NSFW language.)
Happy Woman’s History Month! This week, I say farewell to Hugo Chavez and goodbye to sleep (no thanks to daylight savings.) Also, have no fear, the immigration party bus is here!
Don’t forget to leave your comments below, or lick butter.
Mexican mom says enough already with the Harlem Shake!
THIS JUST IN: (PNS reporting from REDMOND, WA) Former Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy, fired after a controversial career just trying to help some people out for crissake, will come out as gay in a forthcoming tell-all autobiography, PNS has learned.
The book, tentatively titled ☑ Don’t Ask Me Again, details Clippy’s crush on icon rival Happy Mac (photo), tempestuous meetings with erstwhile colleague Microsoft Bob, and all-night drug-fueled parties with the Tux, the Linux Penguin.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: Former Microsoft employee Clippy comes out
YouTuber Oh Em Gee It’s Eddie G has some good advice for all you Facebook people. Liking is one thing, sharing is something else entirely. (NSFW language.)
OK, mi gente, now I am really, really angry. Since I have last written, I have thought long and hard about the present state of the Catholic Church.
It has occurred to me that the “speaking points” of Ash Wednesday, apply specifically to the Catholic Church and the immediate legal and public relations problems that beset it now. If you recall, the deacon spoke of things we might “give up” for Lent. Things such as:
Mas…Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry
