That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.
Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:
8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013
7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs
6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon
Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address
Big Brother has detected a pistol — the Last Hand Gun on Earth — in a security bunker in Pasadena, and it’s up to daring Commander Adenoid and his spaceship crew to locate, remove and retrieve the deadly weapon before it’s too late. Will their strap-on Gucci jetpacks function in the alien San Gabriel Valley environment? Can they escape the missiles of the pursuing anti-aircraft Edsel? Will the rocket techs get overtime?
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.
Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her life has changed dramatically.
“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”
Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.
Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos
God gave us chi-chis and we’re thankful for that, but really, guys, how hard is it for you to look us in the eyes instead of staring at our breasts? Am I right, girls? Wait — there’s an app for that. Marion Cotillard introduces Tittaes. They’re from France!
RELATED:
In the beginning, the spacebrothers created the Heaven and the Planet Earth, and they saw that it was good. Later on, Man came along and screwed stuff up big time. Verily.
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) This just in: Women of Harvard University’s MEChA collective have vowed they will not pluck their eyebrows until school officials revoke the fellowship of former Mexican President Felipe Calderón at the John F. Kennedy School of Government.
Back from the dead and live on tape, George Carlin is not afraid to share his feelings about Lance Armstrong. [Totally NSFW language.]
Surprise, surprise! Tonight’s the night Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey: He used performance-enhancing drugs to win his races.
But wait, there’s more! Here are the pocho ocho other shocking surprise confessions you can expect on tonight’s show:
8. He once pooped in Al Roker’s pants
7. He DID have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky
6. Hasn’t spoken to his father “Stretch” Armstrong in years
Mas…Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
This short video exposes uppity Obama’s selfish assault on the God-given rights of real Americans — a truthy look at guns TOO REAL for the lamestream media because chemtrails. NRA: Straight out of Downton.
When the camera stops rolling, she’s just Sonia from the Bronx. [NSFW audio.] Video by Roberta Valderrama.
MORE ROBERTA VALDERRAMA:
Mas…Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor up close and personal (video)
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bobby Mueller doesn’t want to be unkind, really. “My mother taught me that if you don’t have something nice to say, it’s better to say nothing at all,” he explains. “But the so-called Mexican food in Cabo San Lucas bites the big one.”
The University City marketing rep, who returned Sunday night from a week-long vacation on the southern tip of Mexico’s Baja California peninsula, was complaining to friends at a local brew-pub-salumeria.
“I spent an entire week looking for decent quinoa taquitos with pesto guacamole,” the self-described ‘foodie’ said, “and do you think I found them anywhere? No dice, dude. Zilch. Nada!”
Mas…Back from Baja vacay, local man laments Cabo’s lack of Mexican food
It’s never a slow ñews day in Rancho Pocho, what with the freezing temperatures, babbling stars on awards shows and fools trying to outrun the police. Take, for example, this baboso who is born to run the streets near Los Angeles International Airport…
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Shot in Morelos, MX.
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Was that a cartoon by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz hanging on Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s office wall in Sunday night’s 60 Minutes interview? Why yes it was!
Note from Lalo: The original cartoon, entitled L’il Judge Lopez, is signed by me and my daughter, who was the model/inspiration for the little girl in the toon.
Here’s the full-sized version of the cartoon and the 60 Minutes interview (cartoon @ 11:37):
Mas…POCHO’s Lalo Alcaraz toons up Sotomayor interview on ’60 Minutes’
She’s brown and beautiful; he’s white and smitten. And the only way he can express his feelings is to sing the Second Semester of Spanish Love Song.
He tried before, when he had only one semester of Spanish:
Mas…Another semester of Spanish and yet another ‘Love Song’ (video)
Chicago perfumer Zorayda Ortiz was so excited by her Dead of the Dead perfumes that she’s concocted a tamale fragrance as a followup:
It’s the scent of freshly steamed corn tamales, rich with red chile and plump with juicy pork.
The Pochodores discussed this at the weekly Eskype conference Tuesday and all agreed that there is only one thing they want to smell like pork, and it’s not their respective sweeties. But maybe there are worse ideas for perfumes! Here are the pocho ocho other scents:
Mas…Pocho Ocho worst new ‘Latino’ perfume scents after Eau de Tamales
The patriots of the Motor City aren’t fooled by Canadia’s plans to pay for a new international bridge to replace the aging Ambassador Bridge to Windsor, Ontario. The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart sent Al Madrigal to Detroit (and Canadia!) to find out why soccer moms, Tea Partiers and the Black Panthers are all opposed to this suspicious scheme. SPOILER: Cheap milk and Chinamen. Disclaimer: Madrigal is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latinos who voted to reelect Barack Obama are set to receive one of the benefits he promised: Insurance against mal ojo (“ojo” insurance for short) starts on January 15.
Ojo, more commonly referred to as the “evil eye,” is treated by touching something that one is envious of or by having an abuelita rub an egg over the target of the envidia while saying a prayer.
“Access to health care is not an ‘entitlement,'” Obama told the crowd at an Olvera Street appearance in downtown Los Angles at a 2008 campaign rally. “It is a fundamental right. And as president I promise that every American, not just Latinos, will have the right to protect themselves against ojo.”
Mas…You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week
What’s behind the blue door?
While visitors to the Casa Azul Museo Frida Kahlo in Mexico City think they’re viewing a definitive selection of items from Kahlo’s closet that have been hidden for 58 years, POCHO has learned that curators, sensitive to the artist’s legend, have held back some items from public display.
Here are the top eight items you won’t see:
8. Lifetime membership card, Hoop Earrings of the Month Club
7. Photoshop 0.1 beta test DVD
6. Leon Trotsky’s private cellphone number
Mas…Pocho Ocho secret items from Frida Kahlo’s closet *not* on display
“POCHO,” they email us, “why you be hatin’ all the time? Imma tell you the gente are tired of all that. They want dancing — and dogs!” We are so here for you, dear readers.
Reportero follows a veteran reporter and his colleagues at Zeta, a Tijuana-based independent newsweekly, as they stubbornly ply their trade in one of the deadliest places in the world for members of the media. As the drug war intensifies and the risks to journalists become greater, will the free press be silenced?
Professional Latino authority Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who is not a DREAMer thank you very much, already wrote one book and he has more on the way!
Here’s a peek at his pocho ocho upcoming publishing projects:
8. Selling Out Is Easy — The Five-Step Plan
7. Turn Self-Hatred Into Profits!
6. Cognitive Dissonance for Dummies
Mas…Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
El Rey de Rock Elvis Presley would have been 78 today. Here, in Fun in Acapulco, he needs to score cash but he has no working papers. What to do?
I am sad about yesterday’s passing of a California treasure, the extremely upbeat public TV host Huell Howser.
He was the longtime host of California Gold, a show that covered the nuggets of Cali history in a hilarious and charming way.
If you don’t understand the fuss, watch this classic video of Huell cheerily interviewing participants at a Lowrider Magazine Car Club show in L.A. in the early 90s. Enjoy!
Yo yo yo you white bitches: If you’re talkin’ shit about Mexicans, you better back your shit up! (NSFW audio.)
(PNS reporting from DA BRONX) Area resident Paloma Campos is fed up with the “familiarity” at her local bodega.
Campos, a molecular biologist, complained to friends last week about the exhausting personal relationship she’s expected to maintain with bodega owner Victor Martinez (photo, right.)
“Why can’t I just buy a can of soda without discussing my personal life? Just give me my goddam Jupiña,” Campos said.
Campos first started visiting the bodega on the corner of 182nd and Grand as a young teen when her family moved to the area. Though she moved away for four years to attend college, Campos was eventually guilt-tripped by her mother to move back to the West Bronx.
Campos ended up renting the apartment directly above the small store where she has lived for the past eight years. While she was able to sublet the apartment from her cousin’s step-sons’s girlfriend’s cousin at a great price, she cannot make a simple grocery purchase without a 20-minute discussion.
Mas…Local woman tired of having personal relationship with bodega owner
Rich people need love, too, President Obama!
Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!
Thrill as Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!
Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!
Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there. Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.
These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:
Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives
