“We totally knew this humongous dragon was comin’ brah, so we set up a Facebook page and got everyone down here with their bongos and pots and pans. Our sonic countermeasures commenced mere seconds after the sun-gobbling began,” a pot-banger named Donald Dank told PNS.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) officials confirmed the monster space dragon’s departure.
Mas…Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies
“Reality, shmeality,” says Hollywood as it plans an epic film on Mexican-American history without any, you know, Chicanos: JLo stars as the Virgen de Guadalupe, Lou Diamond Phillips is Che Guevara and Elton John is cast as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.
And there’s trouble in Brand Land as Starbucks plans to test-market chile- and nopal-flavored drinks in East Los and agrichem conglomerate Monsanto‘s proposed soy chicharrones meet pushback from pro-pork protestors.
More minority babies where born in the U.S. last year than white babies and the invasion of little pishers from Vagistan has the usual suspects all riled up. Speaking of babies, columnist Maria Purisma‘s sad sex life sent her to Victoria’s Secret, and homeboy Chuy of the Hey Vato! crew wondered if new tats would make his new girlfriend more forthcoming.
The week’s big ñews links from POCHO are just a click away:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Epic movie, cafe con chile, chi-chis, tats, soy and Vagistan
Ask Me, Don’t Tell Me (1961, 22 mins.) Adult suspicion, pompadours, cigarettes, chromed cars, pool halls, the jitterbug and pinball machines conspire to turn kids into juvenile delinquents, but earnest do-gooders can save the day! Great rock ‘n’ roll soundtrack and candid footage make late 1950s early 1960s gang life look sweet — in the days before guns and drive-bys.
The camera follows the day-to-day lives of San Francisco teenage gang members (AKA “jacket clubs”) — white, Asian, Mexican, black — and the unfriendly world they inhabit. The documentary was produced by the American Friends Service Committee, which wanted to set the kids on the right path with community service projects.
Supposebly, I was supposed to sex it up for my boyfriend Manuelito. He said the romance was gone and we needed to spice it up. So I did what any girl would do — I went to Victoria’s Secret.
I spent a long time in that store, too. I looked at everything they had — from those bras with the gel to make you look like you have more cleavage to the ones that scrunch your chi-chis together to make you look muy sexy and even considered those itty bitty tangas that would inevitably get lost somewhere in your pompis.
After all that looking around, I wondered: how do these tiny women manage to be so chichonas anyway?
I finally settled on something and went home to make it a special night. I lit sexy cinnamon candles, the kind that smell like churros, put on my new brassiere and waited for Manuelito to come over. Once he got there I was so excited! But, as it turn out, we were both in for a shock.
Mas…Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model
TGIF Music Video: You’ve got to stand up for your rights! Bob Marley and the Wailers rock Get Up, Stand Up in concert in Dortmund, Germany. These 40-year-old words still resonate today. And we’ve got lyrics!
Mas…TGIF Music Video: Bob Marley and the Wailers ‘Get Up, Stand Up’
ZOMG! Do these 5000-year-old pictographs show men chasing and spearing a sauropod dinosaur, ages after the giant reptiles’ alleged extinction? Does this mean the Biblical creation story is right and science is wrong? In this new Amazon rainforest video, Canadian “creationist” Vance Nelson is very impressed by a “secular” expert’s testimony, but he can’t get the expert to testify on camera.
Are the South American tribesmen chasing a huge alligator or is it something else? Is this “creationist” piling inference upon speculation to reach unwarranted conclusions to support his religious agenda? Our ancestors painted pictures of dragons and unicorns, too. Does that mean they existed as well?
Frankie Quinones — who was unforgettable as the star of The Cholo Whisperer — returns to the YouTube screen as Carmelita, the diva on a budget. She is So Eh-Spicy. (NSFW language.)
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Census figures indicate that minorities make up over half the births of babies in the United States for the first time since the Pilgrims reluctantly started having sex.
These new minority babies will be able to outvote white babies in local and national baby elections, and this has white baby proponents terrified.
White mothers all over the U.S. have been reporting the births of unexplainable brown babies.
“It’s like there a brown horde erupting from inside us,” reported one hysterical white mother, Mrs. while being eyed by her suspicious white husband. Their nearby sexy gardener Julio Ramirez had no comment.
Mas…American Census Shocker! Minority babies invading U.S. from Vagistan
A couple of Redondo Beach Union High School pochos punked online photo galleries across America by submitting the same prom picture over and over for inclusion in local listings. 2011 prom photos of Albert Morales and Gabriela Peraza appeared on sites in Florida, New Jersey, Atlanta, and Minnesota among others.
“We just wanted to have the prom pictures to be published and as seen by many people as possible. … Just trying to have fun by remembering good prom memories,” Morales told NJ.com, which unravelled the hoax last week.
Check out these screenshots of newspaper photo galleries displaying images of the happy couple:
Mas…Local pochos punk Internet with prom photo gallery prank
(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Busloads of pro-pig activists from Texas converged on Monsanto’s St. Louis headquarters here today to protest the chemical/agricultural mega-corporation’s plans to produce extruded soy flaps meant to replace natural chicharrones.
Bearing signs that read “NO PORK NO PEACE,” “WE WANT LARD FOR OUR MONEY” and “SAY NO TO SOY CHICHARRONES,” the so-called Occupy Monsanto movement plans to shut down traffic around the corporate campus until they get a response from Monsanto. [UPDATE: MONSANTO STATEMENT BELOW.]
The group was confronted by counter demonstrators from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) who carried signs proclaiming “PIGS ARE PEOPLE TOO.” Some scantily-clad female PETA protestors threatened a sex strike to protest actual pig parts consumption. “WANT BOINK? NO OINK!” read one sign.
Mas…Protestors target Monsanto’s plans for soy ‘chicharrones’ (updated)
It was a silvery object 15 meters (50 feet) across, the witnesses said.
The excellent “Hispanic Ufology” blog Inexplicata reports:
[At]… 15:45 hours, residents of Paihuano, a small village in Valle de Elquí (Chile) underwent an extraordinary experience which keep its 2,500 residents on the edge of their seats. A flying object described as having a metallic color and measuring some 15 meters across remained motionless over the Las Mollacas hill, from which the entire town could be seen.Mas…Silver UFO crashes on hillside, retrieved by Chilean military (videos)
Pepito continues the blame game, but Juan doesn’t want to hear it…
Chuy wants a new tattoo for his new lady love — in a special spot right over his heart. But, he wonders, is a new tat a symbol of undying devotion or merely another way to get the chicas to give it up? When Smiley pointedly asks about Chuy’s old girlfriend, an intense discussion ensues. (NSFW language.)
Barack Hussein Obama’s biggest donors and best crony capitalist friends at JP Morgan Chase recently lost over two billion dollars in risky trades.
Instead of wailing about this so-called “Wall Street reform” nonsense, I have decided to open my own bank and mega Wall Street trading firm: JP Mormon.
At JP Mormon, we promise to keep your money away from the risky trades of Wall Street and in safe, secure island strongholds.
We will also store your hard-earned trust fund payments in secret European locations, places where Michele Bachman once held dual citizenship.
Mas…Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon
I knew that I was in a heap of trouble when the mechanics showed up in a big old beat-up four-wheel-drive mud-covered truck with a hand-painted sign on the doors that read Cooter’s Roadside Auto Repair.
These fellas sat in their truck a little too long — staring at me — before they got out to reveal they were dressed in camouflage hunting outfits from head to toe. Their caps were camo as well, except for the Confederate flag emblem on the front. Their clothes were covered in dirt, grease, and what looked like blood stains, the same stains they had on their faces.
I was on my way back to Austin, TX from the East Coast. I had gone to do some remodeling work on my rich sister’s vacation home on Chesapeake Bay and was happy to be coming home with a little extra cash, around three grand, in my pocket.
Then, as luck would have it, or as my dad would say, all the good shit just turned to crap.
Mas…Letter to the Editor: How Cooter and son welcomed me to Alabama
Pepito is all over Juan’s case and blames him for all their mistakes. And after their teacher died, he asks, what exactly does that make the two of them?
(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Though the competition was stiffer than Ronald Reagan’s corpse, retired MLB douchebag and Twitter hack Jose Canseco has been declared the Worst Mexican of All Time by ex-professional wrestler The Iron Sheik.
Canseco has the “raisin balls” and is an embarrassment to all of Mexico, The Sheik told PNS.
The contest was too close to call by many Mexperts but after the votes were tallied, Canseco won the prestigious title hands down, beating out Geraldo Rivera, Tito Santana, Raffi Torres, Mel Gibson, O.J. Simpson and Mario Lopez.
When notified he did not win, Geraldo responded by weeping on Fox and Friends, remarking that he felt “manually raped” by the results.
Mas…Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Following the warm reception to the upcoming César Chávez biopic, producers in Hollywood have mounted an international effort to produce the “most extensive Chicano film in history.”
The production not only features an all-star cast from the United States and Latin America but also includes both factual and fictitious events in Chicano history.
“The idea is to jam pack as much history, culture and entertainment into two hours of film so that young Chicanos don’t have to read any books to learn about who they are,” said the project’s director, Pedro Almodóvar.
“In fact, if possible we are going to try to make the two hours into an hour-and-a-half, because our target audience has no attention span.”
Mas…Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film
Pepito and Juan continue their post-mortem review of the school video project on the way home…
Everything is chill when the street musician starts playing his accordian in the park — until the suave guitarist shows up. Who will win this battle of the park work stars? The musical gunfight is a toss-up, until a mysterious third man appears.
(PNS reporting from BOYLE HEIGHTS) Starbucks Coffee starts test-marketing their new nopal, chile and mole-flavored coffee drinks exclusively in this East Los Angeles enclave today.
Staying true to their gentrified roots, Starbucks based the new varieties on past-the-expiration-date flavors from more upscale stores — adding chemical food coloring for “eye appeal.”
Mas…Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles
We might not know anything about them, but Anonymous knows almost everything about us, including stuff THE MAN doesn’t want YOU to know.
The modishly-masked online crusaders will soon shock our chakras with the truth about apocalyptic confluences predicted by the Mayan Calendar and aether-entities from outer espace. Predictably, the Mainstream Media New World Order 1% Wall Street Ivy League Illuminati White Elite is fighting back.
The recent Anonymous blipvert above, for example, was followed by UPenn (founded by life on Mars expert and immigrant hater Benjamin Franklin) joining the Illuminati conspiracy to discredit the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 scenario.
One group of chronology-challenged eschatologists even claimed that a recently-discovered calendar — which is older than the Doomsday Calendar — somehow makes the newer calendar wrong. Doh! Illogical!
Mas…Opinion: We must fight the anti-Mayan Calendar Illuminati 1% (video)
Double Feature: A good grade on a project is typically a good reason to celebrate but the way class ended for Pepito and Juan was not what they had hoped for …
“If the chancla flies, your mom is wise,” noted defense attorney Juan E. Cocran told the court, and we’ve got video to prove it.
The epic flying chanclas video topped the list of big estories on POCHO this week, but only just squeezed out the Mexclusive guest editorial by GOP nominee wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney, the latest chapter in the existential quest of Chuy and Smiley in Hey Vato! and very intimate advice from Dear Abuelita.
Here are the links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Chanclas, foreskins, gay political football, meaning of life
Pepito isn’t pleased with the classroom’s reaction to his video project but he intends to continue what he began until …
Zorro’s Fighting Legion is a 1939 Republic Pictures serial featuring Reed Hadley as Zorro. The plot revolves around Zorro’s alter-ego’s (Don Diego‘s) fight against the evil Don Del Oro, who wants to become Emperor of Mexico.
An occasional trope in this serial is the ritual death of at least one native informant, much like the death of a red-shirted Star Trek Away Team newbie. The direction was identical for each snitch’s demise, creating a source of unintentional humor: each one, upon uttering the phrase, “Don del Oro is…”, is shot by a golden arrow and dies before revealing the villain’s true identity.
Here’s Chapter 2, Flaming Z. (0:15 mins)
Mas…Sabado Pochonte Video: ‘Zorro’s Fighting Legion, Flaming Z’
BRUNCH: Nothing makes for a mellow mom like the All You Can Drink Micheladas Mother’s Day Brunch at stylish Bar Racho at the Ritchie Valens Hilton on East Olmos Boulevard.
Executive Jefe Gustaco Naranjero once again promises his extensive buffet featuring a soft and hard taco station, the always-popular Holy Habanero salsa challenge and the spectacular Flan Fountain.
New this year is the Fusion Fiesta featuring creations like the Banh Mi Burrito, the Tamales de Lox and the Philly Cheesesteak Chimichangas. Don’t miss the free giveaway of the new mini Tapatio espray bottles for when you absolutely, positively need to spice stuff up.
Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do on Mother’s Day
After a mad scramble away from the mad homeless guy, Pepito’s video ends. But the reaction to his tale of gentrification and displacement is not what he had hoped…
(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Inspired by Mitt Romney’s apology for assaulting a long-haired commie prep school classmate, one of the undocumented gardeners Romney hired and then fired in 1996 has issued his own apology.
Berto Lopez, now working as a freelance arborist in Beverly Hills, regrets he once peed on the then-governor’s prized petunias.
“I did some rude things when I was younger,” he told PNS Thursday, “and if I hurt any of those plants, well then I am truly sorry.”
But Lopez denied the peeing and the firing were related. “I peed on the plants because Romney was a pendejo — how you say — douchebag:”
Mas…Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’
Remember Pulp Fiction? Remember the army surplus store with The Gimp? Pepito is having flashbacks about that right now…
East of Los Angeles via Interstate 10 lies the Coachella Valley, home of the desert oasis of Palm Springs, a famed music festival and acres of stately date palms.
On the wrong side of tracks, in the town of Coachella, there’s a group of Chicano artists who call themselves The Date Farmers. They make art out of love for themselves and their neighbors. This is their story. (Apologies to iOS users. KCET insists on using Flash.)
Now that President Obama has put his personal seal of approval on marriage for gays and lesbians, our sponsor wants to get the word out about their newest service.
Won’t you give ’em some some unbiased sponsor-love and check out RentALatino’s offer?
Mas…A message from our sponsor: Gays for hire at RentALatino!