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Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana

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There he goes again, that esneaky Barack Obama appealing to voters in a foreign language! For real Americans (who only speak English), we’ve translated his latest commercial so you can understand exactly where this vato is coming from. Sorry, we said “vato.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as both Cesar y Hugo Chavez made the headlines. The official National Monument to civil rights hero Cesar Chavez was dedicated in Kern County by El Presidente (POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was there with his family and a camera) and Iran-loving commie dictator Hugo Chavez got reelected and then endorsed Obama.

And in San Francisco’s Mission District, one angry Chicana was not at all happy with her vida loca and wrote all about it. These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana

Bain Capital’s Mal*Mart gives back to local communities (video)

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This short educational video from Mal★Mart (a Bain Capital subsidiary) explains how the retail chain is a good neighbor, supporting local communities and creating jobs all across America — with a smile. The case study features Latina entrepreneur Maria Muñoz of Maria’s Flan.

Ñewsweek: Romney rocked, America crocked, FDR shocked

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It’s Mitt Romney’s world, and we just live in it.

This ñewsweek the GOP presidential wannabe filled up POCHO’s infotainment bandwidth with debate shenanigans, Big Bird bashing, Latino-loving at Chipotle and a new commercial shot on Los Angeles’ Olvera Street.

Reaction from around the country included emergency rooms overflowing with debate drinking game alcohol poisoning cases, the previously dead Franklin Delano Roosevelt rising from grave and making a YouTube appearance, y mas mas more.

The most popular stories this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney rocked, America crocked, FDR shocked

Forget Big Bird! Meet Señor Loro, the Latino parrot candidate (video)

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From Los Titeres (the puppets): Don’t waste your vote on the phony mainstream yellow bird candidate until you consider wasting your vote on the Puppet Party’s Latino red parrot candidate — Señor Loro for Presidente! (Borderline NSFW language and a disturbing bird bigote.)

Video by Felix Pire. LosTiteresTV is on Facebook and on the Internets.

–Freelancer Junior Wences PhD writes by hand.

@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

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I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.

AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!

I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO.  I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.

HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)

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They hooked up Tuesday when the candidate visited a Denver-area Chipotle.

Then GOP presidential candidate and Latino-lover Mitt Romney and new BFF Darryl went on a bromance tour of other important Latino institutions to mark Hispanic Heritage Month, as seen in this photo of their visit to Sophia Vergara’s breasts. (She recently described her chi-chis as a “pain in the ass.“)

Inspired by Vergara, the duo made a few more estops:

Mas…BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)

Ñewsweek: Mitt’s party pix, Mayan survival tips, Latino outreach

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POCHO photogs landed in Florida just in time to capture candid snapshots of Gov. Mitt Romney’s scandalous party escapades, we published a handy CLIP & SAVE Guide to preparing your Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 Survival Kit and uncovered the frat-boys-gone-wild music video that rich college student Romney made with his friends — it’s (surprise! surprise!) Mexican-themed and all about Dinero.

These top stories broke the ñews this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Mitt’s party pix, Mayan survival tips, Latino outreach

Wild! @MexicanMitt Romney and frat bros in music video: ‘Dinero’

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In his freshman year at Stanford, @MexicanMitt Romney and his Kappa Lota Gelta fraternity brothers made a music video under the name Joe King Carrasco and the Crowns. In retrospect, Dinero seems prophetic, showing the future Bean Capitalist’s magic carpet knack for amassing large amounts of other people’s cash. (The future Mrs. Ann Romney is on keyboards.)

In other news, @MexicanMitt’s campaign released a new poster:

Mas…Wild! @MexicanMitt Romney and frat bros in music video: ‘Dinero’

Ferengi-Americans endorse Romney: ‘We totally admire his greed’

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(PNS reporting from SALT LAKE CITY) Gov. Mitt Romney‘s Presidential campaign, which has little support outside its base of old, ignorant white people, picked up a key “ethnic” endorsement late Sunday as the Ferengi-American Political Action Committee (FAPAC) backed his White House bid.

“Frankly,” FAPAC Grand Nagus Ishka told a hastily-called press conference here, “he had us at ‘corporations are people, my friend’ but when we started matching up his beliefs with the Rules of Acquisition we knew he was our guy! We totally admire his greed.”

FAPAC released a photograph (above) of the group after a meeting with the candidate at the majestic Mormon Temple here and passed out a chart showing their similar philosophies:

Mas…Ferengi-Americans endorse Romney: ‘We totally admire his greed’

Ñewsweek: Romney el moreno; no photo, no voto; santo monkey

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POCHO’s ñewsweek was all about the Mittster as the GOP wannabe wished he were a puro Latino, dissed half of America and looked mysteriously moreno on a Univision appearance.

But wait, there’s more! Sarah Silverman explained how the GOP is trying to keep you from voting, Latinas have racist vaginas, and that new monkey species discovered in Africa reminded us of…JESUS?

The links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney el moreno; no photo, no voto; santo monkey

@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

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Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.

Here is what I really said:

So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.

Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO

The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO

Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

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The Internets are buzzing with questions about about Gov. Mitt Romney’s appearance on last night’s Univision forum live from Miami. Digerati are confused about what he said AND how he looked.

POCHO’s Campaign Team 2012 was online all night handling their news sources to find the Pocho Ocho reasons the candidate looked so dark-skinned:

8. Was present at explosion at enchilada sauce factory

7. Stayed in a sauna too long with Speaker John Boehner

6. He is a huge Annoying Orange fan

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

Al Madrigal, Jessica Williams to Jon Stewart: Minorities = lucky (video)

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Mitt Romney wishes he were a Latino because it would bring him advantages he didn’t have as a rich white kid from the suburbs. On The Daily Show, POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal and his minority TDS office-mate Jessica Williams explain to Jon Stewart how that works.

The Mitt Romney is on Univisión’s hot seat drinking game

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GOP Presidential nominee Gov. Mitt Romney will be in the hot seat on Univisión at 7PM PDT tonight. Anchors Jorge Ramos and María Elena Salinas will ask him questions in Spanish, and Latino wannabe Romney will respond in English.

It’s an ideal time to bust out your Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila for a drinking game! Every time Mitt Romney does something from Column A, take a drink according to the rules in Column B:

Mas…The Mitt Romney is on Univisión’s hot seat drinking game

@MexicanMitt Romney: It would be helpful to be ME

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I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.

Sometimes I say the DARNDEST THINGS. As a Republican Presidential candidate with a good chance of unseating an incumbent Presidente, it is very important to watch what you say. But I keep on saying CREYSY CHET.

It’s as if I’m not aware that I am ALREADY LATINO. I am already enjoying the benefits of being MORE LATINO THAN SHOULD BE LEGALLY ALLOWED.

People really don’t realize that Mexican Mitt Romney is SOOOO LATINO. Let me help the still clueless. My PADRE was born in CHIHUAHUA on a RANCHO. (Rancho is Spanish for MORMON POLYGAMOUS COMPOUND.) His parents had Self-Deported to Mexico before the Mexican Revolution, and Self-Deported back during. Then they were on government assistance. WHOOPS, THAT WAS A PRETTY MEXICAN THING TO DO.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: It would be helpful to be ME

Ñewsweek: Romney? Ya No Más, I wish I were Latino; iPhone La Raza

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Que busy ñewsweek!

Say hello to Angry Abuelas, pochos. The new iPhone 5 — code-named La Raza — is especially designed for Latinos.

Two  videos broke the news: GOP presidential wannabe Mitt Romney wished he were a puro Latino and his campaign released a new Spanish-language ad aimed at “white Hispanics.”

In science ñews, cilantro haters breathed a sigh of relief as genetics proved it was not their fault and the new African monkey species looks familiar somehow.

Here are the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney? Ya No Más, I wish I were Latino; iPhone La Raza

Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

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The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.

How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!

To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:

8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.

7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.

6. No midgets.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

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