Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript

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We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!

(APPLAUSE)

Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.

And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.

(APPLAUSE)

Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).

(APPLAUSE)

Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.

Mas…Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript

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First Native American gun victim pushes for gun control

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) It took a lot of burning sage, cedar, sweetgrass and tobacco, but Tymangoua, the first Native American murdered by a gun in what is now the United States, delivered a message from the spirit world to Washington:

Getting shot and killed sucks!

Indigenous Peoples Against Gun Violence (IPAG) introduced Tymangoua to a press conference here Monday.

IPAG president Lauren Ko’n-Za explained:

Gun violence is not a recent phenomenon. It has existed for hundreds of years and indigenous people like Taymangoua were the first victims. Tymangoua was murdered on Sept. 14, 1513, by Spanish sailors looking to enslave him on the shores of Biscayne Bay in what is now Miami.

Mas…First Native American gun victim pushes for gun control

New study: Racists are less likely to understand satire

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(PNS reporting from DIXIE) In a groundbreaking study just released by Atlanta’s Center for Brain Development Place, scientists have found that the more racist an individual is the less likely he or she is to comprehend satire.

In the controversial study, published in Totally Not Made Up Magazine last week, participants were asked to read an article titled “Monkey escapes from zoo, spreads poop and socialism” and then asked to comment.

Scientists found that those who believed the monkey should be taught to uphold democracy and abstain from sex before marriage but without the use of taxpayer money were 10 times more likely to be racists.

Mas…New study: Racists are less likely to understand satire

Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal:

Don’t fuck with them.

According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a Wiffle Ball® bat but ended up on the wrong end of Steven Seagal’s sealskin boots instead.

Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office detectives were called to the elementary school by officials who were learned of the plot and found the student in possession of a tattered Wiffle Ball® bat.

Mas…Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy

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(PNS reporting from COMPTON) Minority gun owners tired of the “racist white agenda” of the National Rifle Association have launched the National Gun Association (NGA) to lobby for the rights of Latino and African-American gun owners.

NGA, straight out of the Los Angeles suburb of Compton, believes the NRA’s defense of mass shootings, which are mostly perpetrated by white male Christians, harms the real agenda of supporting gun ownership for personal and business self defense.

NGA president Cole Fotyfife, just back from President Bronco Bama’s inauguration (photo), said the campaign will focus on the message “Guns don’t kill people, crazy white people kill people.”

Mas…Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy

HBO to launch Latina version of ‘Girls’ called ‘Chicas’

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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) HBO’s mega hit Girls is getting a spin-off — a Latina version called Chicas.

“We woke up and smelled the cafecito,” producer Elizabeth Ferris told a press conference here this morning, “and the pan dulce.”

“The success of Girls is indisputable and we want to be able to bring that success to the Latino community,”  Ferris said. “I don’t know if any Latinos actually watch Girls, but everyone is into the ‘Latino thing’ these days, so why not Chicas?”

Mas…HBO to launch Latina version of ‘Girls’ called ‘Chicas’

Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address

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That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.

Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:

8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013

7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs

6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon

Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address

Shocking video: Big Brother confiscates the ‘Last Hand Gun on Earth’

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Big Brother has detected a pistol — the Last Hand Gun on Earth — in a security bunker in Pasadena, and it’s up to daring Commander Adenoid and his spaceship crew to locate, remove and retrieve the deadly weapon before it’s too late. Will their strap-on Gucci jetpacks function in the alien San Gabriel Valley environment? Can they escape the missiles of the pursuing anti-aircraft Edsel? Will the rocket techs get overtime?

Please donate to POCHO right now to help us break the ñews!

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Can you donate $5 or $10 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

As we start our second year online, we need your small change.

Please make a small  donation now so we can continue breaking the ñews.

POCHO needs money to upgrade webservers, money to fix our broken computers and, more than anything, money to pay our editors and writers and videographers and cartoonists who have contributed a year’s worth of chingon content for free.

Every $10, $20 or $50 helps. Click on the donate button now. Thank you, pochos!

Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.

Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her  life has changed dramatically.

“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”

Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.

Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

Ladies: Get men to look you in the eyes with new ‘Tittaes’ (video)

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God gave us chi-chis and we’re thankful for that, but really, guys, how hard is it for you to look us in the eyes instead of staring at our breasts? Am I right, girls? Wait — there’s an app for that. Marion Cotillard introduces Tittaes. They’re from France!

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