Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet

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Fidel Castro is still alive, you imperialist running dogs, and we’ve got photos to prove it. That was the message from Cuba’s official Communist Party newspaper Granma this week as rumors swirled that the ailing dictator had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated. Granma published this photo of Fidel on his prison island reading his own Mainstream Media.

But wait, there’s more! Here’s a selection of photos published by Cuban entertainment weekly Che Paso:

Mas…Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet

Hey Donald Trump: Where is your college yearbook photo?

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We have a question for Donald Trump:

Where is your 1968 college graduation photo? It’s not in your college yearbook, the University of Pennsylvania Record.

You’ve written that you were “very glad to get finished.” Too busy for a senior photo?

The Record also notes the Celebrity Apprentice performer comes from someplace called “Jamaica” in New York State, which doesn’t sound very American.

Come clean, Donald: Did you really graduate like you claim? And if you did, where is your photo? How about a diploma?

Otherwise, you’re fired!

Mas…Hey Donald Trump: Where is your college yearbook photo?

¿Qué tal? Leave MR. POCHO a voice mail and tell us wassup

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You know MR. POCHO loves you. He loves you all night long!

That’s why he wants you pochos to give him a call and tell him what’s on your mind.

  • Is there some ñews we should cruise?
  • What are you wearing?
  • What’s for lunch?
  • Who juan the debate?
  • Deep dark secret you need to get off your chest?

Call MR. POCHO now and leave an anonymous message. Your number is safe with us.

We’ll use Google Voice to turn your spoken voice mail into text and post it here. Like bits on the Internet, these are the daze of our lives.

Call 408-POCHO-28 now! Robots are standing by! (408) 762-4628

Aha! Our first caller. Let’s see what Google Voice thinks he/she had to say…

Mas…¿Qué tal? Leave MR. POCHO a voice mail and tell us wassup

Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story

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NIGHT EDITOR! REPLACE THIS TEXT, REWRITE THE HEADLINE AND SWAP IN NEW IMAGES BEFORE WE GO LIVE.

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney met for their final debate here tonight and blah blah bah.

The two clashed over foreign policy with Romney accusing the president of herp, derp and zoool, and Obama countering that Romney really la la la I can’t hear you.

Staged in the retiree-heavy community of Rat Mouth, where eternally-flashing left-turn signals are the law of the land and the population lives on Early Bird Specials, the debate was declared a draw by people who weren’t paying attention and a total oratorical victory for Obama by everyone else.

Boca Raton and nearby communities of Delray and Boynton Beach are fetid humid swampland still unredeemed from the biting, itching and crawling creatures that call this their natural home. The area was only chosen as the debate venue because Jerry Seinfeld’s parents live nearby and wanted to come. PAGE BREAK HERE.

Mas…Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story

Sofia not Latina? Disney preps real Latina princess: Meet Malinche

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(PNS reporting from BURBANK) Now that an embarrassed Disney has explained that the animated character Princess Sofia the First is NOT a Latina princess, the studio was quick to announce that a real Latina princess is in the works, this time for a feature-length film.

Princess Malinche will be the heroine of Disney’s next animated film, due for release in the summer of 2014, according to a statement issued today.

The tentative cast already includes Catherine Zeta Jones as the voice of Malinche, Justin Bieber as Cortés and Paul Rodriguez as Fray Xicken.

The story of Malinche follows her idyllic upbringing in the then-Aztec empire in what is now Mexico during the early 1500s to her whirlwind romance with Spaniard Hernán Cortés, and finally to the epic drowning of her own children in the river.

Mas…Sofia not Latina? Disney preps real Latina princess: Meet Malinche

The Gap cancels entire ‘Final Solution’ line of t-shirts

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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) After the public outcry sparked by its “Manifest Destiny” t-shirt, the Gap is now cancelling its entire line of t-shirts in what was to be their signature “Final Solution” collection.

“Guess people aren’t as wild about genocide as we had hoped,” a Gap insider told PNS, “which is a damn shame.We had some great designs planned which we felt would appeal to the coveted ‘racist hipster douche’ demographic currently locked up by Urban Outfitters.”

The news came as a shock to loyal customers.

Mas…The Gap cancels entire ‘Final Solution’ line of t-shirts

Ñewsweek: Rosie tells Romney, Rodriguez backs Romney, RIP Impala

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These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO.

Award-winning Pocho Rican actress Rosie Perez released a video that explained how she is totally in agreement with Gov. Mitt Romney about how it SO helpful being Latino; Mexican-American Paul Rodriguez spoke up for the Rominator in a Spanish audio message we translated for you; and New Mexico was the setting for a sad story of the last unmodified 1964 Chevrolet Impala.

Mira los links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Rosie tells Romney, Rodriguez backs Romney, RIP Impala

Cypress Hill, Rusko, Damian Marley: ‘Can’t Keep Me Down’ (video)

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South Gate, CA homeboys Cypress Hill released Insane in the Brain (video, below) almost 20 years ago. It’s 2012, do you know where your brain is? Why here it is — up “amongst the clouds!”

This visually stunning new music video, Can’t Keep Me Down, is a Cypress Hill collaboration with dubstep producer Rusko and Damian Marley. You totally want to maximize your video player and crank your sound for this. (Possibly NSFW lyrics.)

Here’s your flashback:

Mas…Cypress Hill, Rusko, Damian Marley: ‘Can’t Keep Me Down’ (video)

Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

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(PNS reporting from DENVER) Felix Garcia is out of the closet.  The Five Points resident called friends and family together yesterday to confess the secret he had kept hidden for so long:

I just didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t Mexican enough. I mean, corn is OK and everything, but oh my God, a good flour tortilla is unlike anything else!

Long considered the more “authentic” tortilla, corn tortillas have been the favorites of Mexicans from Southern Mexico for centuries, as well as Chicanos interested in joining MEChA.

Advertising executive Garcia (photo)  spent most of his life feigning a preference for corn over flour, hoping that no one would notice his secret stash hidden in the deli drawer of the fridge, under the cold cuts, cream cheese and lox.

Mas…Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, members of the local Hispanic/Latino community aren’t really sure how they can go on being members of the local Hispanic/Latino community.

“Where do I go from here?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo).

“Should I tell people to call me Mary Ellen for the remaining 11 months of the year? It’s not like they ever pronounce it right anyway,” she wrote on her PobrePickle blog.

Mas…End of Hispanic Heritage Month leaves many unsure how to go on

Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Restrictions that kept Cubans from fleeing the island for half a century will be lifted, according to the Communist Party Central Committee’s official newspaper, Granma.

And in a candid interview, America’s favorite Latino rebel Fidel Castro was asked how he felt America would respond to the new policy and expected exodus. He replied simply: “Fuck ‘em.”

“As part of the work under way to update the current migratory policy and adjust it to the conditions of the present and the foreseeable future, the Cuban government, in exercise of its sovereignty, has decided to again flood Miami with even more of our people because fuck America. How you like me now, bitches?” Castro told PNS.

Mas…Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions

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