election

Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

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The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.

How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!

To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:

8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.

7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.

6. No midgets.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

Ñewsweek: Japanese cholas, @MexicanMitt sings, DNC delirium

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Is brown the new black?

That’s the question POCHO asked in a massively-popular photo essay that featured Japanese women who dress like cholas. They make ‘gang’ signs, they pose and they mad-dog the camera. Is this a good thing?

Political coverage broke most of the ñews this week as just-released-from-Twitterham-jail @MexicanMitt Romney debuted a music video and had lots to say about the Democratic Convention in Dixie, especially that Bill Clinton guey.

Here are POCHO’s big estories:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Japanese cholas, @MexicanMitt sings, DNC delirium

@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

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COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA.

If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!

There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.

Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.

As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:

Mas…@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

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Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.

As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:

8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.

7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!

6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.

Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

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Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech.

Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte.

Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency.  But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS and even ARITHMETIC!

If you watch Fox News or listen to my man Rush, you know that  facts will not get in my GUEY. You know that OBAMA IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME BECAUSE HE HAS DIVIDED THE RACISTS FROM THE NON-RACISTS.

Mas…@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled

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Mexican Mitt Romney wrote this estatement when he was incarcerated in the Twitterham City Jail.

LETTER FROM A TWITTERHAM JAIL

31 August 2012

My Dear Fellow Twitter Fans:

While confined here in the Twitterham City Jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely."

Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas.

If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work.

But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

Twitter suspended my account for violating the terms outlined in its Parody Account guidelines.

Apparently, someone was misled by my account, which portrays Mitt Romney as a cartoonish Mexican ranchero. This indicates that this person was an estupido idiota pendejo, meaning he is a Republican voter.

I call them my base. Ajua.

Mas...MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled

I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!

All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.

However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.

Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

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[Editor’s Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He’s running for office for Pete’s sake!]

Has the wildly popular and hilarious Twitter parody account @MexicanMitt self-deported? That’s what many of his fans and followers are asking on Twitter tonight.

Complicating the anger and disbelief at the scuttling of the Mexican Mitt Romney account is the timing: The night of actual Mitt Romney’s big RNC speech, an event at which @MexicanMitt was prepared to “live tweet.”

Mexican Mitt has been named as the Number One funniest parody political account on Twitter by Politico, and has been lauded by several sites and countless Twitter users and journalists, and even mentioned by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and the L.A. Times.

Mitt Romney’s Mexican alter ego no doubt has pissed off somebody very important, or has been the victim of a coordinated reverse-spam complaint attack from humorless right wingers. Or worse.

Besides pointing out the convenient timing on the eve of the RNC speech, there’s the appearance of a new, promoted  Mitt Romney campaign Twitter topic. Hmm.

Twitter has yet to respond to numerous press inquiries, including from our friends at LatinoRebels and at NBC Latino.

Mas…Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

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Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.

Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.

Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!

Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

Tampa’s gay hookers ready for Republican Convention (NSFW video)

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There’s going to be hot time in Tampa Bay next week when the GOP National Convention rolls into town. Republicans, who like to be seen as “job creators,” are expected to stimulate a long and thick boost in business for area gay prostitutes, and the hookers are looking forward to handling the hanging chads of closeted delegates. (Totally NSFW language.)

Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

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Now that we know that GOP VP pick Paul “Unclear on the Details” Ryan loves anti-establishment (and anti-Ryan) L.A. pocho punk band Rage Against the Machine, we thought we’d check out what else is on his playlist.

Here are the Pocho Ocho most-played bands on the pendejo’s iPod:

8. Johnny Rebel
7. The Michelle Bachmann Corndog Quartet
6. Das Racist

Mas…Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

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Tom Morello is a meanie who makes Paul Ryan cry.

The powerful guitarist of Rage Against the Machine has blasted a thunderous riff on Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan.

Ryan, in a typical blockheaded, know-nothing right wing move, has declared that the left wing, bomb-throwing, anti-establishment rock group (fronted by fellow pocho Zach de La Rocha) is his favorite band. Talk about not paying attention to details! (It must be hard to think when he works out with P90X to the powerful guitar rock rolas.)

Maybe this is why Ryan is painfully oblivious to the suffering going on in the U.S. when the uber wealthy continue to hoard all the money and leave the rest of us to scrape by.

Could be why he thinks giving tax cuts to the 1% and making the rest of us pay for it is a Christian act?

No wonder he does not flinch when people call him a “zombie-eyed Granny starver.” Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t care — maybe he has no pinche idea what is going on around him. Either way, it’s not exactly the kind of leadership the U.S. needs right now.

Mas…GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

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(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Early this morning, area farmworker Celestino Sepúlveda made five years of his tax returns public.

Holding faded copies of his 1040EZ from tax years 2007 to 2011, Sepúlveda told reporters, “Quiero ser un ejemplo para Romney” (I want to be an example for Romney) by publicly revealing his Federal returns.

At a press conference  held at 3AM scheduled to accommodate his need to obtain agricultural day work from farm labor contractors, who start recruiting at 3:30, Sepúlveda explained.

“I have nothing to hide about the way I earn my money, because I earned it through honest work,” said the 37-year-old native of Jalpa, Zacatecas, standing with several other farmworkers on the corner of Paisano and Oregon Streets. (A family photo, above, shows him harvesting cucumbers.)

Fellow farmworker Pepe Martínez agreed. “Sí, una persona humilde como mi compadre lo hizo, ¿porqué no El Romney?”

Mas…Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

Breaking Ñews: GOP VP pick Paul Ryan reveals his new budget plan

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(PNS reporting from KANSAS CITY) GOP Vice Presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., is introducing his budget plan to voters today and POCHO is on the scene as he begins his press conference (photo, above.)

  • Check back with POCHO for updates — we break the ñews 24/7.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

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8. Mr. Clean:  Although a white male, not a very diverse pick, Mr. Clean makes Mexican Mitt’s hair stand out even more when they stand next to each other.

7. Quaker Oats Quaker:  Another white male, but this man’s religious values and the fact that he stands for America, makes him attractive to the Romney camp. It’s the right thing to do.

6. Uncle Ben:  Fight fire with fire! Mexican Mitt says  the best way to displace the first African-American president  is to bring along a black chef! Isaac Hayes was not available.

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

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Ann is having having trouble taking dictation (her Blackberries are on the wrong side of the estreet or something) so here are my personal Pocho Ocho Top Tweets from England for ustedes:

8. Mexican Mitt Romney: DAMN THERE’S A LOT OF MUSLIMS HERE

7. Mexican Mitt Romney: WE’RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS IN DRESSAGE, BEECHES

6. Mexican Mitt Romney: WHERE’S THE NEAREST CHICK-A-FILA?

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Mitt Romney’s list of potential vice presidential running mates is now down to three finalists, campaign insiders report:

  • Wei Chen, Chengdu, Sichuan, China
  • Sadashiv Gupta, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
  • Ester Ramirez, San Antonio, San Miguel, El Salvador

All three offer various strengths to Romney.

Highly energetic Wei Chen is currently employed at the Foxconn plant in Chengdu, and makes iPads, although he has never seen the complete product.

“I wake up, go to work for 14 hours, then I go back home and go to bed, wake up and do it again,” says Chen, 25. “Being Mitt Romney’s running mate would be a welcome change to my schedule, and perhaps stifle my thoughts of suicide.”

Mas…Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

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(PNS reporting from DITTOSTAN) Just a day after revealing that The Dark Knight Rises villain ‘Bane’ is actually Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh has uncovered  even more insidious left-wing propaganda in the eagerly-anticipated film:

The movie, Limbaugh told his radio audience, is part of the Kenyan Socialist media conspiracy and President Obama is “The Darkie Knight.”

“Friends, I am sitting here today in the EIB studio and I have to tell you, I am really, really, realllllly high. Have you guys seen this movie, what’s it called? Yeah, The Dark Knight? Wow…just wow…folks, it’s a real liberal whammy, OK? Uncle Rushbo is giving it to you straight here – I’ve seen the darkie knight and his name is Obama. Hang on a second, folks, I have to play with myself again,” Limbaugh said during yesterday’s program.

Mas…Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

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