It’s News to Us!
Surprise, surprise! Tonight’s the night Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey: He used performance-enhancing drugs to win his races.
But wait, there’s more! Here are the pocho ocho other shocking surprise confessions you can expect on tonight’s show:
8. He once pooped in Al Roker’s pants
7. He DID have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky
6. Hasn’t spoken to his father “Stretch” Armstrong in years
Mas…Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
This short video exposes uppity Obama’s selfish assault on the God-given rights of real Americans — a truthy look at guns TOO REAL for the lamestream media because chemtrails. NRA: Straight out of Downton.
When the camera stops rolling, she’s just Sonia from the Bronx. [NSFW audio.] Video by Roberta Valderrama.
MORE ROBERTA VALDERRAMA:
Mas…Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor up close and personal (video)
It’s never a slow ñews day in Rancho Pocho, what with the freezing temperatures, babbling stars on awards shows and fools trying to outrun the police. Take, for example, this baboso who is born to run the streets near Los Angeles International Airport…
The patriots of the Motor City aren’t fooled by Canadia’s plans to pay for a new international bridge to replace the aging Ambassador Bridge to Windsor, Ontario. The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart sent Al Madrigal to Detroit (and Canadia!) to find out why soccer moms, Tea Partiers and the Black Panthers are all opposed to this suspicious scheme. SPOILER: Cheap milk and Chinamen. Disclaimer: Madrigal is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latinos who voted to reelect Barack Obama are set to receive one of the benefits he promised: Insurance against mal ojo (“ojo” insurance for short) starts on January 15.
Ojo, more commonly referred to as the “evil eye,” is treated by touching something that one is envious of or by having an abuelita rub an egg over the target of the envidia while saying a prayer.
“Access to health care is not an ‘entitlement,'” Obama told the crowd at an Olvera Street appearance in downtown Los Angles at a 2008 campaign rally. “It is a fundamental right. And as president I promise that every American, not just Latinos, will have the right to protect themselves against ojo.”
Mas…You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week
Professional Latino authority Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who is not a DREAMer thank you very much, already wrote one book and he has more on the way!
Here’s a peek at his pocho ocho upcoming publishing projects:
8. Selling Out Is Easy — The Five-Step Plan
7. Turn Self-Hatred Into Profits!
6. Cognitive Dissonance for Dummies
Mas…Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
I am sad about yesterday’s passing of a California treasure, the extremely upbeat public TV host Huell Howser.
He was the longtime host of California Gold, a show that covered the nuggets of Cali history in a hilarious and charming way.
If you don’t understand the fuss, watch this classic video of Huell cheerily interviewing participants at a Lowrider Magazine Car Club show in L.A. in the early 90s. Enjoy!
Rich people need love, too, President Obama!
Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!
Thrill as Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!
Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!
Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there. Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.
These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:
Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives
(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has begun Operation Rosca, a massive sweep designed to cripple the Tres Reyes smuggling cartel — the Three Kings. The cartel smuggles babies in bread and traffics in incense and precious metals, according to “America’s toughest sheriff.”
Arapio became aware of the cartel, which “came from the east,” when concerned citizens flooded his office with calls about “Middle-Eastern-looking men smelling of incense” walking westward on McDowell Road in Phoenix’ Bethlehem neighborhood. Locals reported that they asked where the Latino barrio was located, which “aroused suspicious about their status.”
Mas…Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang
(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Jason Morales finally figured out why his “get up and go” got up and went, he told friends at Hoopy Frood’s on New Year’s Eve, and all clues point to President Barack Obama.
“President Afrika Hussein Bambata is the worst president in this country’s history,” he announced to the teeming North Mesa Street establishment after his fourth Blue Moon with an orange wedge, “and he has robbed me of my chance at the American dream.”
Mas…Local man blames Obama after ‘get up and go’ got up and went
Before capitalism cancer kills commie commissar Hugo Chavez and it would be TOO SOON to mock him, here’s a look back at POCHO’s coverage of the Venezuelan jefe:
(PNS reporting from CARACAS) Hugo Chavez — re-elected to a third six-year term as president of Venezuela — has again called on Americans to re-elect Pres. Barack Obama.
In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.
“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone.” [Continued here…]
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) With the “fiscal cliff” crisis over, congressional Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is joining the Obama Administration’s push for a Fiscal Clit stimulus.
“President Obama has been working every angle to deliver a really generous package that will provide the kind of stimulus America needs,” Pelosi told reporters after Tuesday night’s historic House vote. “The Fiscal Clit will provide a release for tense Americans everywhere, especially for women. This has been a long and hard process, and we’re glad to see it will have a happy ending.”
Republicans were quick to renounce Pelosi’s assertions.
“There is no such thing as a Fiscal Clit,” said GOP pundit Dick Chiquito on Fox News. “No one I spoke to in the Republican Party has ever encountered a Fiscal Clit, and we’ve checked binders full of women over the last 40 years.”
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea.
“America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student.
According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he will focus on arming every student with a personalized grenade launcher to “blow the living shit out of anything that even looks suspicious…like Mexicans.”
Mas…Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers
In East L.A., activist Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García had a sad and broke down crying at a community meeting right before the end of the year. Garcia was distraught at the gap between her aspirations and the sad state of the world.
In the San Fernando Valley, adult video editor Roberto Mendoza faced an uncertain future after being fired for browsing Internet spreadsheets at work.
And in New Jersey, a bottle of Jean Naté was regifted to its original gifter 19 years after its purchase at Rexall.
In the final year of the Mayan Apocalypse, the Year of the Chancla, these stories broke the ñews on POCHO:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Latina’s lament, Jean Naté returns, video editor fired
(PNS reporting from VAN NUYS) Adult movie editor Roberto Mendoza was fired from his job at Burning Sensations Movie Productions last week after being repeatedly caught browsing spreadsheets on his computer.
“It started innocently enough,” he told PNS. “There I was editing a facial pop shot compilation from our Fish Tacos series, when I noticed someone had left a spreadsheet of sales figures in with the video files.”
“I’d always been a little…curious. I took a break from Final Cut Pro and opened up the file, and suddenly my screen was filled with all these rigid columns of data.”
A spokesman from Burning Sensations said that following his dismissal, an inspection of Mendoza’s computer had revealed a hidden folder containing over 3,000 spreadsheets.
Mas…Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work
Overlooked in the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday frenzy: December 21 was also the end of the Year of the Chancla, one of nine named years in the Mayan calendar. Here are the pocho ocho other next named years:
2013: Year of the Nopal
2014: Year of the Pendleton
2015: Year of the Nalgas
2016: Year of the Chonies
Mas…Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar
(PNS reporting from NEWARK) After 19 years of being regifted, the last known bottle of Jean Naté After Bath Splash has been returned to its original gifter here, PNS has learned.
Josefina de la Placa, a registered nurse, purchased the bottle in 1983 at the Rexall on Lafayette Avenue in Hawthorne as a Christmas gift for her brother Hector. It was regifted 19 times before she got it back at an office party Friday night.
“Well, I thought it was a nice gift,” de la Placa told PNS Sunday. “Hector is an ungrateful desgraciado.”
“What am I, an 82-year-old little lady?” Hector, an 81-year-old civil engineer, emailed this reporter. “I gave to the lady who delivers the mail.”
Mas…Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter
It was the first of days, it was the last of days, it was Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012, The End of the World As We Know It. Or was it?
The beginning of the end, the middle of the end and the end itself dominated the ñews on POCHO this week.
Here are the week’s top stories:
It’s bad enough if you have to come into work on a Saturday, and even worse when it’s the day after the Mayan Apocalypse! (Totally NSFW.)
POCHO’s web server crashed — along with the Mayan Calendar — at midnight Friday when our Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday Countdown Clock (since disabled) shut down at 00:00:00. If you stopped by after midnight — we rebooted at 7:30 AM — here’s what you saw and heard.
Can you help POCHO upgrade our infrastructure?
Mas…POCHO web server crashes as Doomsday Clock hits 00:00:00
Email from astronomer and Venezuelan native Ricardo Salamé Páez details today’s schedule for the Mayan Apocalypse:
06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
… 11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (sub.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO
Mas…Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule
Rancho Pocho and surrounding communities will be alive with excitement tonight as everyone awaits the End of the World As We Know It at midnight local time. Don’t stay at home — party hardy or die Mayan!
Here’s what’s going on around town:
• FOR THE GENTS: In the Rancho Pocho Downtown Historic District, Club Rico for Gentlemen is offering no cover admission to a special presentation by the North Pole Dancers, the chillest elvettes to ever stuff a thong. Dressed as Santa? All lap dances are 50% off! Prices good until midnight, of course.
• FOR THE LADIES: Don’t be fat at the end of the world — burn fat at the Grand Opening of the new Spin ‘N’ Thin Spa located where the Gun ‘N’ Run sporting goods store used to be on Miramar in Pocho Hills. Burn, baby, burn with “all you can spin” classes at two-for-one prices. Bring your BFF and spin till you barf at one low price. It’s never too spin to be thin! Special available until midnight.
Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do for the Mayan Apocalypse
The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.
The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.
Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.
Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.
But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?
Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry
Like many people, I’ve spent these past few days reflecting on what’s wrong. What the hell is going on? People are expressing so-called shock and awe at the recent violence in Connecticut but no one has any answers. Some would call it soul-searching, others grasping for straws. Others still are trying to squeeze as much blood from this stone as they can before it passes into obscurity, which it eventually will…
One thing that I know for sure is that the violence epidemic in the United States of America is not attributed to any one thing. We have been on this road for a long time now and anyone shocked by the fruit that the blood-soaked soil has produced has not been paying attention. Welcome to the culture of death.
