Latino-loving GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stopped by a Denver Chipotle outlet for a photo-opportunity today. What’s for lonche, Mitt?
- MORE PHOTOS LIKE THIS: BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)
Especial Correspondents
Pocho Ocho must-have Mayan Apocalypse survival kit items
With Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 under three months away, time is running out to assemble the emergency survival supplies you’ll need in your underground shelter. [Check our countdown clock in the right column.]
Remember:
Unforeseen dangers and unknown entities will be lurking in your No-Tech Future Hell on Earth (think Mad Max meets the chupacabra), what you have with you will determine whether you live or die.
Aside from rice, beans, water, sanitary supplies and beer (which will also be the means of exchange, i.e., money), these are the pocho ocho top items you need:
-------------- ✂ CLIP & SAVE ✂ --------------
8. Aqua Net
7. VapoRub
6. Switchblade (for him)
5. Chanclas (for her)
Mas…Pocho Ocho must-have Mayan Apocalypse survival kit items
@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance
Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.
Here is what I really said:
So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.
Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO
The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO
Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance
Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision
The Internets are buzzing with questions about about Gov. Mitt Romney’s appearance on last night’s Univision forum live from Miami. Digerati are confused about what he said AND how he looked.
POCHO’s Campaign Team 2012 was online all night handling their news sources to find the Pocho Ocho reasons the candidate looked so dark-skinned:
8. Was present at explosion at enchilada sauce factory
7. Stayed in a sauna too long with Speaker John Boehner
6. He is a huge Annoying Orange fan
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision
Clorox Latino’s abuela has a few words for you; also, don’t eat flies
Are you familiar with Clorox Latino? Did you know Clorox Latino has an abuela?
It was our friends at LatinoRebels.com who first tipped us off to Clorox’s new Spanish-language Facebook page.
The page features a photo gallery of “grandma’s sayings (refranes de mi abuela)” to get you in the bleaching mood, like this mysterious saying about moscas — flies.
POCHO translated these timeless bits of wisdom into English for all of America, since it’s Hispanic Heritage Month 2012 and we want to share.
Mas…Clorox Latino’s abuela has a few words for you; also, don’t eat flies
@MexicanMitt Romney: It would be helpful to be ME
I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.
Sometimes I say the DARNDEST THINGS. As a Republican Presidential candidate with a good chance of unseating an incumbent Presidente, it is very important to watch what you say. But I keep on saying CREYSY CHET.
It’s as if I’m not aware that I am ALREADY LATINO. I am already enjoying the benefits of being MORE LATINO THAN SHOULD BE LEGALLY ALLOWED.
People really don’t realize that Mexican Mitt Romney is SOOOO LATINO. Let me help the still clueless. My PADRE was born in CHIHUAHUA on a RANCHO. (Rancho is Spanish for MORMON POLYGAMOUS COMPOUND.) His parents had Self-Deported to Mexico before the Mexican Revolution, and Self-Deported back during. Then they were on government assistance. WHOOPS, THAT WAS A PRETTY MEXICAN THING TO DO.
Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mexican flag three-color salsa for El Grito
Happy Day of the Mexican Independence!
Is Tia Lencha here. Today we make a salsa that is the colors of the Mexican bandera (flag for you pochos).
Tia Lencha is all dress in her green, white, and red to celebrate El Grito, but all of her pocho and gringo friends is a little confuse. They are no in the streets today, wearing the big sombreros, fake bigotes (mustaches for you pochos), and drinking like pescados (fish for you pochos.)
This is the day for the Mexicans to celebrate 200 years free from Christopher Colombus and his amigos, and Indians turning on their own people, and diseases, and dying by the millions, and survive only to be treated like caca by the colonizers.
Thas a lot to celebrate if ju ask Tia Lencha.
Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mexican flag three-color salsa for El Grito
Pocho Ocho ‘Hispanic Heritage’ items we want in the Smithsonian
Are you buying a new dress, ladies, perhaps a chingon chapeau? Inviting the family over for a Sonoran hot dog party? After all, National Hispanic Heritage Month 2012 starts on Saturday. Your special month is brought to you by the good folks at Tio Sam Dot Gov, the same people who thought “Hispanic” made sense on U.S. Census forms.
The Library of Congress, National Archives and Records Administration, National Endowment for the Humanities, National Gallery of Art, National Park Service, Smithsonian Institution and United States Holocaust Memorial Museum join in paying tribute to the generations of Hispanic Americans who have positively influenced and enriched our nation and society.
While we’re sure the gente in Washington are doing their very best, we have our own list of the pocho ocho “Hispanic” iconic items that should be in the Smithsonian:
Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘Hispanic Heritage’ items we want in the Smithsonian
Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC
Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.
As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:
8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.
7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!
6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.
Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC
Take back the world: Vote the Dinosaur Party in 2012 (toon)
Bring back the world the way it was! Vote Dinosaur in 2012.
@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches
I was recovering from the Clint Eastwood Chair Incident, pretending to listen to some storm victims in who-knows-what-FOCKED-UP backwards-ass SOUTHERN STATE, and I was forced by my campaign adviser to watch the Democratic National Convention.
TV COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION IS HILARIOUS, the camerapeoples have to constantly pan around to find THE ONE STRAIGHT WHITE MALE.
Then I was forced to watch the espeech given by JULIAN CASTRO. Yes, the espeech gave ME A PAIN IN THE BIDEN.
First of all, how did a 12-year-old version of Jimmy Smits become the mayor of a major American City? Oh it’s San Antonio? Never mind.
Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches
MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled
Mexican Mitt Romney wrote this estatement when he was incarcerated in the Twitterham City Jail.
LETTER FROM A TWITTERHAM JAIL
31 August 2012
My Dear Fellow Twitter Fans:
While confined here in the Twitterham City Jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely."
Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas.
If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work.
But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.
Twitter suspended my account for violating the terms outlined in its Parody Account guidelines.
Apparently, someone was misled by my account, which portrays Mitt Romney as a cartoonish Mexican ranchero. This indicates that this person was an estupido idiota pendejo, meaning he is a Republican voter.
I call them my base. Ajua.
Mas...MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled
RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila
Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.
Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.
Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!
Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila
Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers
(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.
“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”
“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”
“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.
Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers
Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’
Hoping to capitalize on the enormous groundswell of support they’ve generated with their new definitions of life, marriage and assault weapons, the GOP braintrust is planning to premiere a Republican Dictionary at next week’s convention in Tampa, FLA.
We got a brief peek at a draft (the “rape” definition was leaked Monday); check out the Pocho Ocho best definitions:
8. Rape: When a man loves a woman
7. Voting: What white people get to do
6. Minorities: Three-fifths of a person
Mas…Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’
Calmate, guey! Pocho Ocho things NEVER to say to Chicanos
8. Are you Puerto Rican?
7. Wow, you don’t even have an accent!
6. Huh? You don’t know how to make tamales?
Mas…Calmate, guey! Pocho Ocho things NEVER to say to Chicanos
Letter to the Editor: Do not be pissed crazy from being an expert
Keep your goals dumpy and simple-hearted as you start on a unknown pertinence program. You can without difficulty bowl over yourself if, after a lifetime of being a tete-…-tete potato, you settle on you should be masterly to get the lead out of one’s pants 10 miles at chuck-full alacrity on the treadmill.
At the beginning, keep your goals simple. Start to with well-deserved a trek for a few minutes every other day. Vocation up to longer and more frequent walks as you progress.
A famous health inside information is to dispatch pictures of yourself on online forums to get a critique of your physique. Getting a critique of your bodily structure from other people can aide you look at where your weak areas are. It’s easier exchange for a alien to look at your portion objectively.
Mas…Letter to the Editor: Do not be pissed crazy from being an expert
Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot
He’s artificially intelligent, muy guapo with dark hair and blue eyes, plus he speaks and understands Spanish and English. He also has a new, high-profile job with Tio Sam’s U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service interviewing people crossing into Los United Estates at Nogales, AZ (photo, above.)
What’s he missing aside from a body and an analog existence? This poor robovato needs a name; right now his bosses just refer to him as the AVATAR (Automated Virtual Agent for Truth Assessments in Real-Time.)
Here are the Pocho Ocho names we like best:
8. Mex Headroom
7. C3 Pito
6. Will Robinson
Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans
Can’t get no respect, not even from Wikipedia.
The online encyclopedia offers a comprehensive entry on ethnic slurs:
- Bad names for Italians? Wikipedia is right there with Dago, Goombah, Greaseball, Guido, Guinea and Wop.
- Wikipedia offers a shoutout to the Jews: Hymie, Kike, Mocky, Hebe and Sheeny.
- African-Americans? Wikipedia has you covered: Coon, Crow, Boogie, Eggplant, Macacaca, Sambo and Spook.
And yet there is no listing of nasty names for Latinos in general, let alone Mexicans. No pinche respect!
So, pochos, if you’re Wikipedia editors, please note our Pocho Ocho top ethnic slurs for Mexicans:
Mas…Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans
The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms
Pope Benedict XVI‘s 2010 statement that condoms are OK to prevent the spread of HIV is getting new attention now that some religious institutions are fighting a mandate to offer birth control as part of employee health plans.
The Pontiff’s relaxing the rules on condoms was mostly overlooked when he made it, along with Pocho Ocho other changes in Catholic doctrine you might not be aware of:
8. Premarital sex still forbidden except on alternate side of the week Thursdays.
7. It’s now OK to refer to the Three Wise Men as the Three Wise Dudes.
6. Confession now starts with “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned but You Only Live Once.”
Mas…The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms
California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money
(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) The latest attempt to alleviate the Golden State’s fiscal problems comes from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), which proposed the idea of merging with the California Department of Education (CDOE).
“After comparing the type of education that a student receives in the public school system with that offered to inmates in county jails, we have concluded that the level of education is about the same,” CDCR’s Planning Director Matthew Cole told a press conference here Monday.
“The overlap between the two systems creates enormous waste; therefore, we believe the state would save billions by having the Department of Corrections absorb the school system.”
Mas…California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money
Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.
Remember how Chevrolet totally FAILED when they introduced the Chevy Nova (photo) because “no va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish and people all over Latin America just laughed and laughed at the stupid gringos and didn’t buy any Novas? That story is bullshit.
But English en Espanol can be as wack as Spanish in Ingles, and that’s why these Pocho Ocho Mexican products have bleak sales prospects in Los United Estates:
8. Bicho Killer insecticide
7. Her Pez canned tuna
6. Golden Piscina bubble bath
Mas…Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.
Pocho Ocho other things banned in Houston beside piñatas
In the suburbs of Houston – Harris County, TX – officials are reviewing a controversial policy that prohibits piñatas in certain county parks after Tony Diaz of Librotraficantes questioned the rule and signs that singled out piñatas:
It’s mind-boggling. Why be so culturally specific? If you want to say ‘No littering,’ then say ‘No littering.’ But this is like saying, ‘No Mexicans.’
We had to ask: What are the Pocho Ocho other things that are banned in Houston aside from piñatas?
8. Eating tacos without a fork
7. Parking cars on blocks
6. Sleeping under a cactus
Mas…Pocho Ocho other things banned in Houston beside piñatas
Connecticut becomes 17th state to OK ‘Medical Menudo’
(PNS reporting from the NUTMEG STATE) Connecticut became the 17th state to approve Medical Menudo yesterday when the state’s Senate gave overwhelming approval to a bill passed earlier by the Assembly.
“This is a new dawn for all Connecticutitians,” Sen. Juan Gopher (D-Bridgeport) told supporters. “The days of twitching, throbbing and sobbing alcohol victims waiting on sketchy corners for their menudo are over.”
The legislation, which awaits the expected approval of Gov. Nancy Wyman, allows non-profit collectives to dispense Medical Menudo (MM) to patients with a mariachi’s recommendation.
Prospective MM patient Rocio Balboa appeared excited by the news. “Gaaaaaaaah! My head. Ooook. It’s so bright. And stop shouting!” she told PNS.
But the policy does not enjoy universal support.
Pocho Ocho other George and Shellie Zimmerman family secrets
The covert cash in their PayPal account they hid from the judge wasn’t the only George and Shellie Zimmerman Family Secret. POCHO espills the beans:
8. George and Shellie were married at a Ku Klux Klan Rally
7. George roomed with Mitt Romney at False Police Academy
6. The couple was once kicked out of Disneyworld for following seven hoodie-wearing dwarfs
Mas…Pocho Ocho other George and Shellie Zimmerman family secrets
Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven
Easter got us thinking about The End. Will we make it past those pearly gates into heaven?
You could try to live your life by your religion’s standards, sure, but where’s the fun in that? Here are pocho ocho ways for a sinner like you to get past St. Peter:
8. Invest in a timeshare now
Hey, it works when you want to go to Palm Springs or Miami — why not heaven?
7. Make a shrine in your home burning 72 veladoras at any given time
It’s common knowledge that every candle you light is like another spiritual brownie point. So, logically, the more candles, the more likely you can get into heaven.
6. Name your son Jesús or your daughter Guadalupe
It has to be true — otherwise we wouldn’t all have uncles named Chuy or cousins named Lupe.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven
Letter to the Editor: The Ghetto Manifesto by Lady D (NSFW audio)
It came in exactly this way via our handy SUBMIT form. (On the go? There’s a NSFW two-minute audio podcast version we created at the bottom of this article):
This is to every person who wants to get out and break free to be human and not be a fucking stereotype. I call it the Ghetto Manifesto. I was bred from a culture that lives in fear to succeed. We were once the Gods of the Temples- the living legends standing proud on the steps of Tenochtitlan- Now we are on our knees glorifying the filth around us. Our streets are filled with soldiers of ignorance and rage- fighting brother against brother- for what? A piece of land that we don't even own? For the love we did not receive at home? We call out names- spill our hateful rhetoric, beat each other to be let in to an exclusive group of clowns with silly names. Taking family trips in to unknown territories using hurtful toys to shed innocent blood. The family. What a fucking joke.
Mas…Letter to the Editor: The Ghetto Manifesto by Lady D (NSFW audio)
Will Ferrell sings? In Spanish? ‘Yo no se’ from ‘Casa de Mi Padre’
Of course he sings in Spanish! The movie is IN Spanish! Wikipedia:
Casa de Mi Padre (English: My Father’s House) is an upcoming Spanish-language American comedy film. The film stars Will Ferrell, Gael García Bernal, Diego Luna and Génesis Rodríguez with Matt Piedmont directing a screenplay written by Andrew Steele. The film has been described to be in the style of an “overly dramatic telenovela” and tells the story of Armando Alvarez, who must save his father’s ranch from a powerful drug lord. Casa de Mi Padre is set for release next week.
Here’s the trailer:
Mas…Will Ferrell sings? In Spanish? ‘Yo no se’ from ‘Casa de Mi Padre’
Politics of chonies: What I learned when I sent my laundry out
I might be renting out a room this summer to a friend. She made a phone appointment with me and asked a list of questions about living in my place in Brooklyn. How far is it from Manhattan? What trains do you take? Do you have Internet? Can I use the kitchen? Then she asked about laundry.
“I heard you take your laundry on the bus!” she said like it was some sort of urban myth. I took one of those prolonged intakes of breath.
Laundry is complicated.
Mas…Politics of chonies: What I learned when I sent my laundry out
Home from my Mexican holiday, I feel like ‘a bad Mexican’
I spent my two-week New Year’s vacation with family in Mexico. When I got back to L.A. I felt like I had crossed a finish line and, thankfully, made it back safe and sound.
My trip was not really over, though. Everyone at work and in my life was curious. “How was it?” people asked, waiting for me to tell them about my “homeland.”
Which version did they want, the sugar-coated one or the uncensored version? Normally, I would say “It was good. I got to spend quality time with my family and relatives and ate a lot of delicious cheap food!” But that hardly touches the surface.
I know that I am supposed to feel a deep connection, a feeling of being with my people, a sense of being “at home.” But when I am there, I count the days until I come back to the States. I feel like a bad Mexican.
Mas…Home from my Mexican holiday, I feel like ‘a bad Mexican’
The Pocho Ocho Spanglish words every pocho must know
8. Pants, as in sweatpants, and it’s pronounced in Spanish, otherwise it wouldn’t count as Spanglish. Say “pontz.” These are what Richard Simmons should wear.
7. Chores, the seasonal opposite of pants, chores (pronounced: CHor-Essss), are even good to wear during the winters in most of the Southwest. Richard Simmons wears these.
6. Cornfleis, you know, like America’s favorite good-for-you-finish-it-up cereal. Remember breakfast is the most importante meal of the day. And sometimes you get toys.