A True Story: How Gustavo and Lalo got on Fox’s ‘Bordertown’

twoamigosWant proof that Jesus does more than appear on tortillas?

Refry this: Lalo and I are part of Bordertown, the Fox animated show that’ll satirize the Mexicanization of America through the lens of—yep!—a border town.

Think about it: two of America’s most locos Mexicans, outrageous cartoonist of La Cucaracha and POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz and the notorious author of the ¡Ask a Mexican! column, are on a primetime network TV show. Together (photo, above.) To raise DESMADRE. In an industry that still mostly casts Mexicans as cholos, maids, or…

Mas…A True Story: How Gustavo and Lalo got on Fox’s ‘Bordertown’

American Paletero Association calls Polar Vortex ‘a hoax’

paletero01(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) The “so-called Polar Vortex is a hoax” according to a statement just released here by the American Paletero Association (APA.)

“It’s always paleta weather,” the statement said. “Listen to APA: It’s never too cold for ICE.”

“Also,” APA warned, “don’t eat the yellow raspa.”

Paletero by Ramiro Gomez.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

MEX A&E suspends ‘Guac Dynasty’ jefe after hate Tweet

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Felipe Roberto, star of the reality show Guac Dynasty, which follows the Roberto clan of rude and crude avocado wranglers through their struggle with weeds, bugs and family dysfunction, has been suspended by the Mexican Arte y Entretenimiento TV network (MEX A&E) after his hateful Tweet about Americans went viral, PNS has learned.

Roberto told his 3,827 Twitter followers that he was flying to Los Angeles for Christmas and he hoped he “didn’t get the gays” from the “Hollywood maricons.”

Mas…MEX A&E suspends ‘Guac Dynasty’ jefe after hate Tweet

Advanced Mexican leaf blower powers new Pentagon/Google robot


(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) State-of-the-art leaf blower technology developed in Mexico’s Silicon Barrio is at the heart the Pentagon’s latest robot warrior, PNS has learned.

The PopoPotencia leaf blower engine powers the WildCat, a Boston Dynamics combat robot (video) built for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA).

Mas…Advanced Mexican leaf blower powers new Pentagon/Google robot

Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

popowarriorHere is a listicle partially inspired by a mas longer listicle on BuzzFeed, because they are the listicle professionals, tu sabes.

¡Mira! The Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican household/family:

8. Virgen de Guadalupe veladoras.

7. Your first introduction to dramatic acting was a telenovela.

6. You always wondered why gringos celebrated Cinco de Mayo more than your family.

5. You can recognize the Aztec princess Iztaccihuatl AND the warrior Popocateptl (photo) on sight.

Mas…Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

Was Brazil’s Antônio Villas Boas the first UFO abductee? (video)


Antônio Villas Boas reported that the space aliens kidnapped him from a field he was plowing, brought him aboard their UFO/OVNI, stripped him naked and then a female ET raped him. In 1957, this made him a pioneer — way before the Betty and Barney Hill were abducted in New England in 1961. NPR reports:

According to Villas Boas, he was plowing fields with his tractor when he was taken against his will by a group of ETs measuring about 5 feet tall. On their spaceship he was put in a room where he saw some kind of gas come out of the walls, making him sick. Then a very attractive female, naked, with long platinum-blonde hair, fire-red pubic hair and deep-blue cat eyes, came to him and forced him to have intercourse….

Mas…Was Brazil’s Antônio Villas Boas the first UFO abductee? (video)

POCHO Estaff Reports: Mi casa? Real Thanksgiving turkeys!

lalocucashoppigPOCHO’s Especial Correspondents spread out across America to celebrate Thanksgiving and sent in notes about their day. Some names were changed to avoid unpredictable results.  Read their stories and share your own in the comments!

  • Homeboy in East Los: My family’s so Mexican we carved the turkey with a switchblade ·IN MEMORY of SMILEY·
  • Dateline, Austin: MEChA cousin Xochiloctl is in the living room refusing to eat turkey and playing Grand Theft Auto 5 instead.
  • Nancy in Santana, the O.C.: That awkward moment when three-year-old Cousin Ricardo makes a big announcement that everybody better finish their plates because Mommy spent the whole day cooking the dog.

    Mas…POCHO Estaff Reports: Mi casa? Real Thanksgiving turkeys!

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How I make turkey in Mole Poblano for mijo

turkeymole640Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Sorry I no give ju recetas (recipes for ju pochos) for a gwhile. I was closed like the gobernment. Mijo’s daddy no send the cheques for the mijo support. I mad.

Then he go to my house crying because the eskelton eskank he marry left him for another viejo (old man for ju pochos). The viejo had more dinero and drive a troka (thas truck for ju pochos) with plastic bolitas hanging from the bumper. Oh gwell.

In Mexico we say mijo’s daddy got put horns. Mijo’s daddy cry and cry but he no give me my mijo support cheque. I tell him my house is no LenchaCare. He need to pay. He say need money for divorce the eskank. I have to go to the offices to get him to pay.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How I make turkey in Mole Poblano for mijo

The Latin Grammys: America’s biggest anti-Mexican sham

latingrammys

latingrammys150Over a decade ago, I wrote an op-ed piece for what was called Pacific News Service but is now New American Media bemoaning how pathetic the Latin Grammys were due to their lack of Mexican music. “The definers of Latin culture,” I wrote then, “have decided that the most popular Latin music genre in the United States isn’t worthy of promotion because it might lead people to believe that Latinos are poor and culturally backward, not slick and ‘with it.'”

Mas…The Latin Grammys: America’s biggest anti-Mexican sham

Francisco Garcia Lopez wins ‘Most Mexican Man in the World’

nopales(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Francisco Garcia Lopez was named Most Mexican Man in the World in the final episode of Who Is More Mexican ? (¿Quién es más mexicano?) recorded here last night, PNS has learned.

Audience members exiting the taping at Teatro Televisio said that winner Lopez (publicity photo, above) had impressed the judges with his singular dedication.

Lopez, a 37-year-old bachelor attorney, “underwent extreme body modification, all the way down to his prickly pear,” one excited fan gushed.

Mas…Francisco Garcia Lopez wins ‘Most Mexican Man in the World’

Otra DREAMer in London – I’m a stranger in a strange land

tubelondonSix weeks have passed since my move to London; the start of new journey, a new dream. It is the first time in my life that I made the conscious decision to migrate. I did not have that choice at the age of nine when I was brought into the U.S. as an irregular migrant child, nor did I choose to return to Mexico when I was deported four years ago.

nancylandaThe excitement still lingers alongside a sense of exploration as I am afforded certain level of freedom to be able to reside in a foreign country legally to pursue a graduate degree. It took overcoming very difficulty challenges, but I did not do it alone. An entire community supported me along the way to be here. It is a privilege that I do not take lightly as well as a responsibility to represent the collective challenges of migrants who have gone through similar experiences wherever I am.

Mas…Otra DREAMer in London – I’m a stranger in a strange land

Tia Lencha’s Cocina explains El Dia de Los Muertos for you pochos

Happy Day of the Dead! Is Tia Lencha here. Many people ask me questions about Dia de Los Muertos. I answer the questions today.

Question numero one: Tia Lencha wass this Dia de los Muertos? Is it the Mexican Halloween?
Gwell, kind of, I say. Except that the Day of the Dead celebrations come from the indigenous pagan rituals that trace back 2,500 to 3,000 years ago. Way before Duane Reade sold Halloween candy.

Question numero two: Tia Lencha, wassup with the calaveras (“skulls” for you pochos)?
Bueno, before Jesus came along, people used to keep skulls of their loved ones (and maybe not so loved ones) as trophies. They showed off the skulls during the rituals as symbols of death and rebirth. Kind of heavy, no? I never say my history was all tequila shots and tacos.

Also, calaveras can be short poems, like epitaphs like to mock your friends. Like you can make fun of them on their tombstones. Like for mijo’s daddy, I wrote a calavera about him call “Oscar Meyer” because he like to stick his weenie ebrywhere! He no think it was so funny.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina explains El Dia de Los Muertos for you pochos

Mexican Football League fans: ‘WTF is the big deal about team names?’

mfl(PNS reporting from TIJUANA) While the American sports industrial complex is still debating the insensitive and racist Native American mascot of the Washington Redskins, fans and players of the Mexican Football League (MFL) openly question the sensitivity of some in U.S. sports circles.

Tijuana resident and avid MFL fan Nestor Gil de Vaca is puzzled.

“What is the problem with the gringos?” he asked PNS. “Sports team mascots are just that, mascots. It’s not like they are real people. I am a huge fan of the Monterrey Judios, the Sonora Cadaveres and of course my home team, the Tijuana Travestis. No one is offended, we just like to enjoy football.”

Mas…Mexican Football League fans: ‘WTF is the big deal about team names?’

Feminists: The struggles of immigrants are our struggles, too

immigrationmarch600I’m often asked, “Where were you born?”

My answer? Houston, Texas.

“Where were your parents born?”

El Paso, Texas.

“Where were your grandparents born?”

El Paso, Texas, Balmorhea, Texas and Ft. Davis, Texas.

That is when people usually start to get frustrated and ask, “Well, where is your family from originally?”

The actual meaning behind this statement is “You are a brown-skinned woman and brown-skinned women are not native to the U.S.”

My answers explain that I am not the stranger. Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Colorado, Nevada and Utah were all once part of Mexico, after all.

Mas…Feminists: The struggles of immigrants are our struggles, too

Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things

pelvisshiekh640 Driving is bad for your lady parts, according to Saudi Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Luhaydan, a “judicial and psychological consultant to the Gulf Psychological Association.”

Al Arabiya reports:

Driving ‘could have a reverse physiological impact. Physiological science and functional medicine studied this side [and found] that it automatically affects ovaries and rolls up the pelvis. This is why we find for women who continuously drive cars their children are born with clinical disorders of varying degrees,” al-Luhaydayn told Saudi news website sabq.org.

But that’s only the beginning of the problems that are caused when women take the wheel. Here’s the sheikh’s list of the Pocho Ocho other side-effects:

Mas…Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things