Especial Correspondents 
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) HBO’s mega hit Girls is getting a spin-off — a Latina version called Chicas.
“We woke up and smelled the cafecito,” producer Elizabeth Ferris told a press conference here this morning, “and the pan dulce.”
“The success of Girls is indisputable and we want to be able to bring that success to the Latino community,” Ferris said. “I don’t know if any Latinos actually watch Girls, but everyone is into the ‘Latino thing’ these days, so why not Chicas?”
That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.
Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:
8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013
7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs
6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon
Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address
Surprise, surprise! Tonight’s the night Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey: He used performance-enhancing drugs to win his races.
But wait, there’s more! Here are the pocho ocho other shocking surprise confessions you can expect on tonight’s show:
8. He once pooped in Al Roker’s pants
7. He DID have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky
6. Hasn’t spoken to his father “Stretch” Armstrong in years
Mas…Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
Chicago perfumer Zorayda Ortiz was so excited by her Dead of the Dead perfumes that she’s concocted a tamale fragrance as a followup:
It’s the scent of freshly steamed corn tamales, rich with red chile and plump with juicy pork.
The Pochodores discussed this at the weekly Eskype conference Tuesday and all agreed that there is only one thing they want to smell like pork, and it’s not their respective sweeties. But maybe there are worse ideas for perfumes! Here are the pocho ocho other scents:
Mas…Pocho Ocho worst new ‘Latino’ perfume scents after Eau de Tamales
What’s behind the blue door?
While visitors to the Casa Azul Museo Frida Kahlo in Mexico City think they’re viewing a definitive selection of items from Kahlo’s closet that have been hidden for 58 years, POCHO has learned that curators, sensitive to the artist’s legend, have held back some items from public display.
Here are the top eight items you won’t see:
8. Lifetime membership card, Hoop Earrings of the Month Club
7. Photoshop 0.1 beta test DVD
6. Leon Trotsky’s private cellphone number
Mas…Pocho Ocho secret items from Frida Kahlo’s closet *not* on display
Professional Latino authority Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who is not a DREAMer thank you very much, already wrote one book and he has more on the way!
Here’s a peek at his pocho ocho upcoming publishing projects:
8. Selling Out Is Easy — The Five-Step Plan
7. Turn Self-Hatred Into Profits!
6. Cognitive Dissonance for Dummies
Mas…Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
New Mexico pocho Louis Head sent in this 30-second travel video. Be careful out there, pochos — cross in the crosswalks and espere la luz!
Is Tia Lencha here! Feliz Navidad!
So people ask me, Tia Lencha do you have recipes for Christmas? Not really, I say. Instead I have some Secretos for celebrating the Navidad in New York City. There are no mucho Mexicans here so you have to be esmart about it so you don’t have the stress. And you need to have a Metro Card.
First, the are too many mucho peoples out chopping for presents. Tia Lencha don’t like standing in line for an hour to buy a sweater.
Thas why I use more time to buy my mijo his presents, I give to him on January 6, the day of the Tres Reyes (three kings for you pochos.) Mijo writes a letter to the three kings to tell them what he wants for his present. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa Claus, mijo leaves some grass in his shoe box under the bed for the camels of the three kings to eat. Then his present is put in the box with the grass for the camels. Like magic no?
Mas…Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City
San Diego real estate mogul Marc Paskin is looking for love in a very unusual place: A highway billboard overlooking the 28th Street exit of the I-5 freeway. “All I Want for Christmas is a Latina Girlfriend,” reads the giant personal ad that includes an AOL email address for interested “Christmas Latinas.”
This wasn’t the first billboard concept Paskin considered. Here are the Pocho Ocho billboards he rejected:
Mas…UPDATED: San Diego multimillionaire’s Pocho Ocho rejected billboards
Despite the clamoring of dozens of its citizens, officials recently turned back the equus asinus aspirations of a donkey as candidate for a seat in the Ecuadorean National Assembly.
Regrettably, the canny citizens of Guayaquil, Ecuador were denied their electoral ends — to register a donkey aptly named “Mr. Donkey” to run for the national legislature.
But I have a new suggestion for “Mr. Donkey.” Perhaps, “Mr. Donkey” should move to Arizona, “The Meth Lab of Democracy” – but of course, only after all his immigration papers are properly in order.
Here, he may yet thwart the ambitions of Arizona’s current Gov. Jan Brewer (photo, right) who, unconstitutionally speaking, contemplates a possible third term.
The governor is undoubtedly unfulfilled and unsatisfied thus far with her gubernatorial benefactions to the state. There’s more to be done notwithstanding Arizona’s damaged reputation or that along with Nevada, Arizona stands at the pole position of America’s “Dumbest States.”
Mas…Gov. Jan Brewer and Arizona’s asinus aspirations aplenty
I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!
Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.
You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!
Concerned Americans across this great nation covered telephone poles with flyers today as the search for missing Gov. Jan Brewer (R-AZ) galvanized the citizenry.
Have you seen a flyer in your neighborhood? Have you spotted Brewer? Email a photo to info@pocho.com and we’ll get it online ASAP. Need a flyer to print and post yourself? The large-size printable flyers are here: LOST GOV Please print and share!
*UPDATED: Concerned citizen David W in Oregon posted and photographed the flyer in his neighborhood:
Mas…Have you seen her? Search for LOST GOV takes it to the streets (photo)*
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is MISSING. Before you uncork the champagne, and before she comes back from her one-week vanishing, here’s the Pocho Ocho places Jan Brewer COULD BE:
8. At the Rawlings factory getting her skin re-laced
7. In Georgia filming the lead zombie role in “Walking Dead”
6. At a private correctional prison junket to Alcatraz
Mas…Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…
They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.
Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:
8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.
Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’
As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:
8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!
POCHO’s Especial Correspondents spread out across America yesterday observing Thanksgiving (just like normal people!) and sent in notes about their day. Some names were changed to avoid unpredictable results. Read their stories and share your own in the comments!
Homeboy in East Los: My family’s so Mexican we carved the turkey with a switchblade ·IN MEMORY of SMILEY·
Dateline, Austin: MEChA cousin Xochiloctl is in the living room refusing to eat turkey and playing Call of Duty instead.
Nancy in Santana, the O.C.: That awkward moment when three-year-old Cousin Ricardo makes a big announcement that everybody better finish their plates because Mommy spent the whole day cooking the dog.
It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad. So as a public service we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to make your Black Friday quest successful, if not totally safe and sane:
8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.
7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.
6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.
Mas…Pocho Ocho tips for a successful if not safe and sane Black Friday
Dear Party of Lincoln:
I am very interested in the Latino Wrangler opening at the Republican National Committee you advertised on CraigsList.
My wife is half Mexican, my son is one-quarter Mexican and I have been to Mexico four times for cheap lobster, not that anyone's ethnicity would be used as a qualification for this job. I'm white, of course.
Mas...To: sw6n-34kd31fa8@dcjobs.craigslist.org Re: GOP Latino Wrangler
(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Pleased with the reelection of the President, thrilled to provide Obamacare for their employees and acknowledging their loyal workers built a small family firm into a billion-dollar corporation, the three siblings who own the Tres Flores Corporation are giving their company to their staff.
Abelardo, Bernardo and Chichi Flor — 83-year-old triplets who gave Tres Flores their name — started bottling home-made hair oil in a garage in this L.A. suburb over 50 years ago. Tres Flores is now a worldwide operation that employes 600 people and has facilities in Southern California, Louisiana and New Jersey.
“We’re retiring and we don’t have any heirs,” oldest triplet Abelardo (born 20 minutes before brother Bernardo) told a press conference this morning. “We’ve been approached to sell the firm, but we couldn’t think of anyone better to run it than the folks who have been with us all these years.”
“Shaddap, Lardo,” Bernardo responded. “I would have an heir if you hadn’t scared away Selena Valderrama with that Migra Maus costume on Halloween in 1974!”
Mas…Pleased as ponche, Tres Flores triplets give company to workers
Happy Mexican Thanksgiving Day!
Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.
When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!
Gwell, I no happy with that. (I think the Indios here in this country oso no happy with the Puritans who bring disease and then take their land–I just saying.) Anyways, Thanksgiving oso is part of a festival of the harvest and for to celebrate special blessings. So to celebrate when the al pastor taco was invent and oso that the Mexican peoples were the first ones to make the turkey domesticate, I make the turkey al pastor taco.
Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Turkey al pastor tacos for Thanksgiving Day
Loser and liar Willard “Mitt” Romney finally got something correct! The overwhelming Latino margin for President Bronco Bama was entirely due to “gifts” the Democrats used as bribes. Here are the top eight:
8. Taco Tuesdays covered by Obamacare
7. Rick Bayless gets full-time gig with Food and Drug Administration (Drug Division)
6. New “path to citizenship:” SuperLotto
Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama
Since the election, all the cool guys want to be Latinos and maybe you do too, Mr. White, Non-Hispanic-American. We understand, but we want to make sure you don’t go overboard. Peep our pocho ocho ways you might be Hispandering:
8. Goodbye iPod, hello maracas
7. Your name is now spelled Bíll Coñnelly
6. You call the guys in your golf foursome “mi gente”
5. You lower your Prius
4. You change your name to Geraldo
3. Lifetime membership in Chest Hair Club for Men
2. Complain “it would be easier if I were Latino”
And the numero uno way you might be Hispandering is…
I am on my way to Los Angeles.
My baby brother is getting married. It is going to take me close to 12 hours to get to him, courtesy of the latest storm to hit the North East, Athena.
In order to get to LA, I am having to travel from Newark to Charlotte, NC to Phoenix before landing in LA. It dawned on me, as we landed in North Carolina, that I was landing in a “red state” – something that I am only keenly aware of because of the recent presidential election – the results of which have left some people feeling raw. I digested this reality for a moment and looked forward to the almost three-hour layover here.
It’s incredible to casually people watch, something I love to do when I travel, because on the surface, we all look the same, and in airports especially, we all have similar goals – to get somewhere. Nothing much separates us from one another here.
I opened up my laptop and started to enjoy the free Wifi offered at the Charlotte Davidson International Airport. Two men sat next to me. Southern accent – which I often find endearing – enthusiastically talking about car racing. Conversation started about the most recent race one of them competed in, an upcoming three-week visit to Florida for another race, their team, their sponsors…I soon got lost in work and Twitter.
Then it happened:
Mas…Politics at the airport: It’s true – I’m a Latina and I do want stuff
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The reelection of President Barack Obama is news around the world, too, so POCHO Ñews Service PNS sent reporters out on the street to gather reactions from colorfully-dressed pedestrians who consented to interviews and photos without compensation.
Here’s what they had to say:
Mas…Obama victory means happy happy joy joy for some, others are meh
Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney lost big last night and the finger pointing has begun. Here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho top excuses for the defeat:
8. Donald Trump bad hair day
7. Matlock marathon suppressed old white people vote
6. Cheap imported Chinese binders couldn’t hold the women required for victory
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Republicans think Romney was defeated
Your mileage may vary, of course, but these costumes will scare the hell out of some people in the neighborhood:
8. Lance Armstrong
7. Jerry Sandusky
6. Sheriff Joe Arpaio
5. Gov. Jan Brewja
NIGHT EDITOR! REPLACE THIS TEXT, REWRITE THE HEADLINE AND SWAP IN NEW IMAGES BEFORE WE GO LIVE.
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney met for their final debate here tonight and blah blah bah.
The two clashed over foreign policy with Romney accusing the president of herp, derp and zoool, and Obama countering that Romney really la la la I can’t hear you.
Staged in the retiree-heavy community of Rat Mouth, where eternally-flashing left-turn signals are the law of the land and the population lives on Early Bird Specials, the debate was declared a draw by people who weren’t paying attention and a total oratorical victory for Obama by everyone else.
Boca Raton and nearby communities of Delray and Boynton Beach are fetid humid swampland still unredeemed from the biting, itching and crawling creatures that call this their natural home. The area was only chosen as the debate venue because Jerry Seinfeld’s parents live nearby and wanted to come. PAGE BREAK HERE.
Mas…Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story
(PNS reporting from BURBANK) Now that an embarrassed Disney has explained that the animated character Princess Sofia the First is NOT a Latina princess, the studio was quick to announce that a real Latina princess is in the works, this time for a feature-length film.
Princess Malinche will be the heroine of Disney’s next animated film, due for release in the summer of 2014, according to a statement issued today.
The tentative cast already includes Catherine Zeta Jones as the voice of Malinche, Justin Bieber as Cortés and Paul Rodriguez as Fray Xicken.
The story of Malinche follows her idyllic upbringing in the then-Aztec empire in what is now Mexico during the early 1500s to her whirlwind romance with Spaniard Hernán Cortés, and finally to the epic drowning of her own children in the river.
Mas…Sofia not Latina? Disney preps real Latina princess: Meet Malinche
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) After the public outcry sparked by its “Manifest Destiny” t-shirt, the Gap is now cancelling its entire line of t-shirts in what was to be their signature “Final Solution” collection.
“Guess people aren’t as wild about genocide as we had hoped,” a Gap insider told PNS, “which is a damn shame.We had some great designs planned which we felt would appeal to the coveted ‘racist hipster douche’ demographic currently locked up by Urban Outfitters.”
The news came as a shock to loyal customers.
Mas…The Gap cancels entire ‘Final Solution’ line of t-shirts
8. After generations of risking having your heart cut out when you climb a pyramid, Latinos have inherited a genetic fear of heights.
7. Jumping high and fast? Latinos ride low and slow.
6. That’s Mexican jumping BEANS not Mexican jumping balloons.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t jump from balloons over New Mexico
I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.
AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!
I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO. I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.
HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.
Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan
They hooked up Tuesday when the candidate visited a Denver-area Chipotle.
Then GOP presidential candidate and Latino-lover Mitt Romney and new BFF Darryl went on a bromance tour of other important Latino institutions to mark Hispanic Heritage Month, as seen in this photo of their visit to Sophia Vergara’s breasts. (She recently described her chi-chis as a “pain in the ass.“)
Inspired by Vergara, the duo made a few more estops:
Mas…BFFs Mitt, Darryl visit Latino sites for Hispanic Heritage Month (photos)
