Do you have trouble growing a big bigote?
Are you follicle-challenged in the upper liply region?
Are you the lone bare-faced boy in a room of full of hirsute hombres?
Let’s talk turkey, carnal.
We mean Turkey with capital T that rhymes with “pee.” OK, maybe that’s a bad example. But Turkey, the sick man of Europe, may have the ‘stache you’ve been looking for.
The Wall Street Journal reports:
Mas…Are you bigote-challenged? Try Turkey for mustache transplants
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I consider myself Latina, close to my family’s Mexican culture; I’m bilingual and I’m happy with that identity. But, more often than not, it seems like everyone else is trying to corral me into some other identity, telling me that mine is not sufficient.
The neighborhood where I live (photos, above) is a perfect example.
It’s split in two: one part of it is gentrifying rapidly, and the other is filled with Mexican and many immigrant families. I where it’s more Mexican, which makes me — in all my professional hipster-ness — stand out sometimes, but people still speak to me in Spanish and often I just become part of the scenery. But then there are other times.
Colombian police have arrested three women dressed as nuns who were trying to smuggle six kilos (13.1 pounds) of cocaine hidden under their habits. The trio was popped as they were passing through the Colombian Island of San Andres – a notorious drug-trafficking route. The fake nuns were searched after police saw them acting suspiciously.
Mas…BBC Video: ‘Nuns’ with nasty coke habits busted in Colombia
“Really big testicles.” Where have we heard that lately? Oh, yes the songified stylings of Cleveland’s Charles Ramsey, describing his neighbor the alleged kidnapper. But have we SEEN really big testicles? No, we have not, until the Internet angels brought us these photos of Senhor Testiculo, who is the mascot of the AAPEC Brazilian cancer society.
We have some more photos below and then a link to the photo gallery at the society. There’s also a special link to a news story about a guy who just had surgery to deal with his 134-pound scrotum. No photos of that, though. That would be gross.
Mas…Call me ‘Mr. Balls’ — I’m Brazil’s testicular cancer mascot (photos)
Oscillate is a new video by New York animator Daniel Sierra. Sierra says the project was an attempt “to visualize waveform patterns that evolve from the fundamental sine wave to more complex patterns, creating a mesmerizing audio-visual experience in which sight and sound work in unison.”
Mas…Animated music videos, contrast and compare: Sine wave vs Coltrane
Jessica Williams goes to Dallas, Tejas, so she can report on the real Cinco de Mayo for Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show.
The Cleveland man who helped the escaped kidnapping victims, Charles Ramsey, says his accused neighbor must have had really big testicles. “We ate ribs with that dude, but we didn’t have a clue!” he explains. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Songified newscast by schmoyoho.
(PNS reporting from PENNSYLVANIA) Crickett Firearms has recalled My First Rifle over safety concerns about the toxic paint used to coat the firearms.
“Our kids’ safety is utmost, so we are pulling some of our children’s weapons, especially the brightly-colored Hello Kitty model,” says Crickett spokesperson Wes Smithson.
Mas…Breaking: Crickett recalls kids’ rifles over safety concerns
Brown Republican Mr. Criminal has some serious political ambitions. Painting the White House brown is just the beginning. (NSFW lyrics.)
The Walt Disney Company filed several trademark applications last week with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO.GOV) to secure the name “Dia de Los Muertos” as a service mark.
Mas…Walt Disney, Inc. wants to trademark ‘Dia de los Muertos’ (toon)
(PNS reporting from LONDON) Downton Abbey executive producer Gareth Neame said today that newcomer Gary Coleman’s addition to the British show “will bring interesting twists to the drama.” The cute-as-a-button actor has most recently been seen in various American sitcoms and reality programs.
His Downton character, Arnold Jackson, is described as “a charming and charismatic” young man. The long-awaited addition marks the first time Downton has had an adorable black character.
Mas…PBS ‘Downton Abbey’ series adds first adorable black character
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America’s observance of Cinco de Mayo on Sunday was the “most dangerous ever” according to a report released here today by the National Institute of Holidays (NIH.)
A record 1378 emergency room visits by gringos failing the “chile challenge” were reported by the group as well as 287 “chancla accidents.”
Mas…Breaking: Sunday’s Cinco de Mayo called ‘most dangerous ever’
She’s a Puerto Rican-Cuban singing pocha from Connecticut and no one makes music with the intensity she does. Here’s the latest from the astounding Xenia Rubinos — Whirlwind.
I don’t consider myself a photographer but I do enjoy walking through car shows, up and down the aisles admiring the bombs, lowriders and classics and snapping a few pix while I’m there.
I photograph the rides and sometimes their owners standing beside them. I started off using the camera on my Samsung phone but it’s 3.15 megapixels proved to fall way short when I decided to try to print the images.
Compliments from friends family and Instagram followers convinced me it was time to upgrade to a real camera and take my hobby to the next level.
I began dragging my wife and kids to as many car shows as I could find and then getting home, going through the camera roll to see that day’s catch.
Oh. Hi. Is Tia Lencha here. Don’t talk loud. My cabeza hurts.
Tia Lencha went to a restaurante with mariachis and micheladas and little mini tacos jesterday. She had more micheladas than tacos, and gwell. Is not her fault. The tacos were spensive and the size for the dolls to eat.
So she stay at home putting ice on her cabeza, drinking the water and seeing the Food Network on the TV. And ju know what? They try to be Mexican for Cinco de Mayo.
The first thing I notice is the Cacique cheese commercial a million times. Not estrange except that the voice of an Americano says to go “awtenteeco” like they are translating for all the gringos. Then what’s his name (Aaron Sancho?) from the eshow Chopped appear and shows food and then says all the words in espanish right.
Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Food Network goes ‘Mexican’ for Cinco de Mayo
When the day after Cinco de Mayo is a pinche Monday, you need strong medicine. Dr. POCHO (not a real doctor) recommends you listen to Five Finger Munchie by Los Punks three times loud, or until you feel better. You’re welcome. (NSFW lyrics.)
The immigrant rights movement has reached one of the most important milestones of the last two decades. Finally, politicians are responding to the demands of advocates asking to reform a broken immigration system that has marginalized millions of undocumented immigrants.
We see this in the form of Senate Bill 744 proposed by the Bipartisan Senate Coalition referred to as the “Gang-of-Eight” which is by far the most comprehensive piece of legislation we have seen in recent years. Such progress is due to the masses of brave DREAMers (undocumented youth) who came out of the shadows to declare their legal status for the purpose of telling their stories to the American public.
White folks in sombreros and serapes. Spanglish beer commercials every few minutes. Yup, pretty ridiculous, señor.
I agree with most of my friend Gustavo Arellano’s roiling denunciation of Cinco de Mayo, mas o menos.
He says it’s ridiculous, only serves some limited purposes as far as educating about the evils of Imperialism, or the promotion of self-determination, y todo eso. Battle of Puebla my ear. Sure. OK, guey.
However, I think Gustavo misses one big fat Manuel’s El Tepeyac Hollenbeck Burrito-sized point: We’ve got to celebrate with the holidays we have. Not the holidays we want.
Happy Inko de Mayo from La Cucaracha!
Yes, today is the day where we celebrate cartoonists, as it is National Cartoonists Day.
Serio, the National Cartoonists Society started this event a few years ago, apparently because they had no Latino members at the time who might have mentioned May 5 is already Cinco de Mayo, but, hey, I’m glad they ran with it!
So, let’s honor our ink-stained heroes who go back to the drawing table day after day and try to provide you with some laughs, smirks or even a muted chuckle. I am happy to double celebrate on this day, especially as a Chicano cartoonist and avid Battle of Puebla recreator. So throw a few back today (of course I mean espresso, we’re celebrating cartoonists for heaven’s sake!)
I approach el Cinco de Mayo with excitement and ambivalence.
I learned the history of the Battle of Puebla as the son of proud Mexicans, who happened to be immigrants. The story goes: On the fifth of May 1862, a small Mexican army kicks French butt. Bueno.
My dad and grandmother worked at the Cinco de Mayo restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in a small L.A. harbor town. My association with the day is food, drink, familia, history, cultura.
McDonalds auf Deutschland sells Los Wochos. Huh? What are wochos? That means El Chili con Carne, Chicken Fiesta, Los Beefos and salsa pikante, you dumbkopf. Ach du leiber!
Mas…Lost in translation? German McDonalds ad for mariachi burgers (video)
Boy, these are fun times, huh? Everyone wants to either be Latino or market Latino things. Let’s all Hispanicize!
I mean, just look around! The GOP is embracing Latinos (har, har) and there are products everywhere like Tide Latino, Ford Latino, Clorox Latino, Latino socks, Latino water, Latino sunlight. Hell, there’s even a PETA Latino now! These Hispanic marketeers know no bounds!
Recently, Latina.com named the “30 most iconic Latino TV characters of the past 60 years.”
My only problem with that is their elastic definition of “Latino.” Many of their icon choices are either stereotypes or just plain questionable. They could have named their article “We’re reaching here, so bear with us, and buy some Latino Tide!”
I’ll run down a few of the more questionable picks and let you decide who makes the cut. Are they iconic? Are they Latino? Are they iconic Latinos?? Gasp! You be the judge. And for the love of Latino Jesus, make sure you buy some corporate Latino products while you’re at it.
Mas…WTF? ‘Latina’ magazine picks 30 ‘most iconic’ Latinos on TV
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) The recent loud family dispute at her home here was due to “pura envidia” on the part of her husband’s people, according to Adelia Lázaro.
“They are just envidiosos because we have worked hard to have this mock-Tudor home in Stone Oak closer to the north side than them,” the San Antonio native and mother of three told PNS.
“They just want what we have and can’t be happy for us!”
Mas…Stone Oak woman claims family spat was due to ‘pura envidia’
(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Federales are cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead.
The Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.
Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.
Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.
But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.
Mas…Cartel street battle in Mexico ends in rout of French gang invaders
(PNS reporting from Edinburg, TX) A corn tortilla was released from its physical shell and achieved enlightenment last night when it was inadvertently consumed by fire during Gil Trejo’s dinner preparations.
The University of South Texas assistant professor of Latin American literature was heating the traditional Mexican flat bread to accompany leftover frijoles con queso when he became distracted by an intense scene in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. He sat down in his living room, thoughtlessly leaving the comal unattended.
Alone, on the flat metal griddle, the tortilla de maiz burst into flames, releasing its essence from saṃsāra and leaving behind naught but the charred husk of its temporary shell.
Mas…Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital.
If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by the Lincoln Administration in Washington.
“Oh simon, it was gas,” said one eyewitness rushed from the front by the cavalry. “French General Pepe Le Pew knows he is losing the la guerra and he is desperate. We think it is the deadly gas de brie, which these queseros love.”
Mas…Breaking: Mexican troops say French use poison gas in Puebla
They celebrate every year, usually on the fifth day in May. Brentwood? Huh?
David Guetta’s new Play Hard music video featuring Ne-Yo and Akon is just too much for some politically-correct pendejos including Defender of La Raza Perez Hilton. They be all hatin’ on the jainas licking paletas, the celebration of botas picudas, the firme cholos with tats. We say it has a good beat and it’s easy to dance to. WWFD? What Would Frida Do?
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Inspired by NBA basketball star Jason Collins’ recent revelation that he’s gay, beloved Mexican singing star Juan Gabriel will make a special announcement tomorrow, PNS has learned.
An exclusive interview with Balones magazine will feature this stunning quote from Gabriel:
“According to government figures, there are over a million illegal immigrants living in the U.K.,” says the video producer. “This 30-second eye opener provides a simple solution and is guaranteed to stop illegal immigrants hiding in your cupboards. Watch it and pass it on.”
There’s always time for a little bathroom humor.
