More toons from POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz @ Huffington Post Latino Voices…
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Pocho Ocho reasons GOP Sen. Marco Rubio drank so much water
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) sure drank a lot of Poland Spring® water during his Republican State of the Union rebuttal speech Tuesday night.
Here are the pocho ocho reasons the GOP’s Great Brown Hope was so thirsty:
8. He’s a pinche mojado
7. Global warming
6. He finds this bullshit hard to swallow himself
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons GOP Sen. Marco Rubio drank so much water
Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child
(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.
Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”
“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.
Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child
Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’
The Republican Party has jumped on the immigration reform bandwagon with their own “Path to Citizenship” proposals. Here are the GOP’s pocho ocho ways undocumented residents can get legal:
8. Mow Mitt Romney’s lawn
7. Pose for publicity photo with AZ Gov. Jan Brewja
6. Pretend you’re “Hispanic” for the CIA
Mas…Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’
Al Madrigal, Jon Stewart: Big trouble in GOP His Panic Room (video)
Will a Republican shift on immigration help them with Hispanic voters? The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent Al Madrigal is in Jon Stewart’s His Panic Room as they explore the GOP’s Nuevo Deal. Jessica Williams sneaks in to assist. DISCLOSURE: Madrigal is also POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’
They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.
Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:
8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.
Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’
Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey
As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:
8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!
Maria Cholula resigns as company president, cites affair with Tapatio
(PNS reporting from JALISCO) Maria Cholula resigned Monday night as president of the Mexican hot sauce company that bears her name, citing a brief affair with Tagberto Tapatio, who heads a competing corporation. Her resignation follows a Facebook posting of a blurred photo of the executive with her picante amigo.
Maria Cholula founded the company in 1989 and sold it to Jose Cuervo S.A. de C.V. 10 years later, but continued to run the local firm. Tapatio, an American company headquartered in Southern California, is considered to be Cholula’s top competitor in the Mexican-style hot sauce category.
Mas…Maria Cholula resigns as company president, cites affair with Tapatio
Mitt Romney’s Cayman Islands hot tub house party (NSFW video)
Mitt is the MC with the moneh, byotch! (NSFW at all.)
GOP’s new app suppresses minority voters automagically (NSFW video)
Why worry about sending bogus mailers and erecting hateful billboards to suppress poor, minority, elderly and student voters? The Republican National Committee’s VoteRite app makes it easy! iPhone and Android compatible. (NSFW language.)
Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions
The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.
How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!
To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:
8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.
7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.
6. No midgets.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions
Pocho Ocho top differences between Republicans and Democrats
What, you may axe, distinguishes the Republican and Democratic parties?
Here’s our list of the the Pocho Ocho top differences:
8. GOP: Ted Nugent; Dems: Ted Nguyen
7. GOP: Hands off my guns; Dems: Hands off my vagina
6. GOP: “Boy the way Glenn Miller played”; Dems: “I’ll be there for you”
Mas…Pocho Ocho top differences between Republicans and Democrats
Ñewsweek: Did the GOP send @MexicanMitt to Twitterham Jail?
Could it be? Was Presidential future loser Mitt Romney’s campaign so upset with POCHO contributor MexicanMitt Romney‘s Twitter feed that they made the social networking company lock @MexicanMitt in Twitterham Jail just before their candidate’s speech to the GOP convention Thursday?
Although @MexicanMitt’s simultaneous Twitter espeech to the RNC was smuggled out of Twitterham Jail and re-Tweeted by @PochoDotCom, thousands of MM’s “followers” were baffled by the disappearance of the popular account.
Tech journalists are questioning if the censorship was provoked by Romney’s people — who appear to be the only parties who can lodge a complaint with Twitter — and the “coincidental” $120,000 ad purchase on Twitter by the GOP.
We have MexicanMitt’s draft speech to the RNC, the story on the Twitter censorship and @MexicanMitt’s Letter from a Twitterham Jail here — all part of a really big ñewsweek on POCHO:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Did the GOP send @MexicanMitt to Twitterham Jail?
Pocho Ocho reasons God Almighty loves Republicans
It’s no secret that God (photo, right) loves Republicans, even if you didn’t hear it over and over last night on TV.
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:
8. He banks offshore, too
7. Pat Robertson always blames His storms on liberals
6. Funny, you don’t look Jewish!
Republicans drown out Puerto Rican delegate with ‘USA USA’ chants
Of the people, by the people and for the people — except those people?
RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila
Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.
Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.
Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!
Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila
Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers
(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.
“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”
“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”
“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.
Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers
Tampa’s gay hookers ready for Republican Convention (NSFW video)
There’s going to be hot time in Tampa Bay next week when the GOP National Convention rolls into town. Republicans, who like to be seen as “job creators,” are expected to stimulate a long and thick boost in business for area gay prostitutes, and the hookers are looking forward to handling the hanging chads of closeted delegates. (Totally NSFW language.)
Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’
Hoping to capitalize on the enormous groundswell of support they’ve generated with their new definitions of life, marriage and assault weapons, the GOP braintrust is planning to premiere a Republican Dictionary at next week’s convention in Tampa, FLA.
We got a brief peek at a draft (the “rape” definition was leaked Monday); check out the Pocho Ocho best definitions:
8. Rape: When a man loves a woman
7. Voting: What white people get to do
6. Minorities: Three-fifths of a person
Mas…Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’
GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies
(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Rep. (and Senatorial hopeful) Todd Akin (R-MO) intends to write and publish a children’s book that explains to kids how babies are made, according to his staff.
The colorful How Non-Forcible Rape Babies Are Made explains Akin’s understanding of how the human reproductive system works in clear, simple language and bright illustrations especially written for Tea Party Republican voters who approve of his recent comments on rape and pregnancy.
The touchy subject is elucidated in loving and religious detail:
When a rapist loves a mommy, Jesus reaches down from heaven and touches the mommy’s tummy and the miracle of life is created. The end.
Al Madrigal tells Jon Stewart why Republicans love Paul Ryan (video)
Al Madrigal (POCHO Migrant Editor and The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent) tells Jon Stewart why Republicans love GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romey’ choice for running mate — Paul Ryan.
Brave right-wing bloggers expose Obummer’s ‘Operation Fork & Furious’
The fearless frackers at the dead Breitbart blog (screen capture, right) are all outraged about a so-called “security action” before the President’s speech last week at the NALEO conference:
Judging from Obama’s actions at this years National Association of Latino Elected Officials (NALEO) luncheon, Obama’s newest fear is Latinos with forks. Obama had the Secret Service confiscate all the dinner forks from the participants at the June 22 event held in Orlando, Florida.
Hats off, Breitbarfers! You discovered a new conspiracy where none existed before, and you didn’t have to use deceptively-edited video to make your fake-ass point.
Mas…Brave right-wing bloggers expose Obummer’s ‘Operation Fork & Furious’
Republican ‘Latino outreach’ website confused by non-white kids
RNCLatinos.com, the Republican National Committee’s new Latino outreach website, is apparently a laboratory for developing new ways of screwing up Latino outreach.
Last week RNCLatinos hosted a Spanish-language poll asking “Has President Obama disillusioned you?” (the overwhelming response was “No”) and then they used a stock photo of Asian children at the top of their page.
The RNC blamed the error on outsourced web developers — rumored to be in either Bombay or Honduras — who misread the tags on the photo.
Outreach spokestaco Beltina Inchancla offered up this explanation:
It was an honest mistake. They thought the picture was labeled as featuring “Latino” children, but actually read, “Laotian.”
Mas…Republican ‘Latino outreach’ website confused by non-white kids
Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)
[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.
C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.
These are our guiding principles:
Pillar 1: Immigration
Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.
Mas…Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)
Florida voter fraud crackdown finally snares a live one
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Even as the U.S. Department of Justice seeks to shut down Florida’s effort to disenfranchise voters, state officials are overjoyed that their purge of voter role has finally nabbed a real fraud, even if their case is a dog.
Much to the relief of Republican witch-hunters who were under fire for challenging the eligibility to vote of war veterans, grandmothers and local heroes, a French Bulldog puppy named Mr. ChaCha was charged on Tuesday for voting fraudulently in a local Miami election last year.
The eight-month-old pup snuck into a neighborhood high school, sniffed the ballot and then pulled the lever for Hammad Jose de Marx, the Green Party candidate for Dade County Residential Service Officer, according to poll watchers. “Though Mr. ChaCha’s motives are unclear, one fact is clear: Voter fraud is real,” an election board spokesman said.