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Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters
It’s no secret: The Grand Old Party needs some new blood.
If the Republican Party, formerly the “Party of Lincoln,” is to succeed nationally, it needs more women, “minorities,” and younger voters. Old angry reactionary white people is not a growing constituency.
Here are Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can bring more young voters aboard:
8. Refer to them as “whippersnappers”
7. Say “dang-fangled” as much as possible
6. Promise 72 virgins to new party members
Taco Bell introduces new Artisanal Soft-Shell Tacos (photo)
Taco Bell’s latest offering — Artisanal Soft-Shell Tacos — became available in several test markets across America today. The proprietary softening process uses only natural organic softeners (shown here being applied by a Taco Bell artisan chef) to turn crispy Cool Ranch Doritos taco shells into something foldable, stuffable and, ultimately, eatable. Try some today!
Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)
That Popocatepetl OVNI/UFO that wasn’t really there last time is back again, captured over the weekend by the 24/7 PopoCam. This time, the “optical illusion” — or whatever they end up calling it — heads from outer espace PAST the smoldering crater and then hangs a U-TURN before diving into the volcano.
PREVIOUSLY ON EL POPO UFO/OVNI WATCH:
Mas…Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)
Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado
(PNS reporting from CANADIA) David Pérez became the first NAFTA mojado when he crossed illegally into Canadia Saturday.
The undocumented worker from Jalpa, Zacatecas first crossed the Rio Grande into the United States near San Elizario, TX, 10 years ago seeking employment in El Norte.
After working in El Paso for a year doing construction, he continued north, staying with relatives in Denver, Chicago, and Minnesota.
“I kept searching for El Norte and there was always more Norte to explore,” Pérez told PNS.
Mas…Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado
Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) A rainy day failed to damper the spirits of people marching against Genetically Modified Organisms in downtown Austin Thursday.
With signs proclaiming JUST SAY NO TO GMO, the crowd rallied on the steps of the Capitol to protest the “seeds of destruction” they say GMO foods present to society.
Not all the people at the rally supported that viewpoint, however.
“Frijoles should be GMO, so Mexicans can grow,” said Richard Salazar, a software engineer who stands 5’6″ tall and is the president of the local chapter of Itty Bitty Mexicans or IBMs.
Mas…Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles
Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios
Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style. Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day Tom Sawyer. Chances are, he was blasting Rush’s Tom Sawyer during his epic ride, which lasted half a block, just long enough to suck down that beer.
Lion meat tacos in Tampa, FL only $35 each! (video)
If you’re hungry in Tampa, FL — and we mean really hungry, king of the jungle hungry — stop by Taco Fusion for lion meat tacos. And camel. And ostrich…
Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand
(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) Area handyman Alfredo Serricchio (photo) plans to sue Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) for the “egregious medical malpractice” that resulted in the amputation of his right hand, his lawyer announced Tuesday.
“He’s just this hard-working, formerly right-handed immigrant who was fixing a rich doctor’s roof and the next thing you know he has only one hand, and it’s his left hand!” attorney John E. Brockman told PNS.
“He’s a handyman for Pete’s sake! You can’t be a handyman without a hand! That is indubitably egregious, irresponsible, unconscionable and irrefutable, and we think it’s worth six million dollars!”
Alfredo, a construction worker at Dr. Lisa Cuddy’s house, had complained on Sept. 27, 2005 that his asthma was acting up, and then fell off the roof onto the concrete. At PPTH he could not breathe, and Cuddy noticed two of the fingers on his right hand turned purple, according to Brockman. “His glove didn’t fit,” he said. “They had to admit.”
Mas…Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand
Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine
(PNS reporting from OKLAHOMA) Standing by a pile of debris that once was an elementary school, President Barack Obama on Sunday called the destruction caused last week’s tornado “fairly devastating” and vowed to seek additional funding to increase the catastrophic power of his weather control program.
Obama’s E-5 category tornado killed two dozen people, ripped a 17-mile-long corridor of destruction through the suburb of Oklahoma City, flattening entire blocks of homes, two schools and a hospital.
“This is nothing. Obviously we can do better,” the president said, standing on a block where lumber, bricks and concrete that used to be houses and businesses lined the side of the street. Items that survived the disaster – a blender, a pink baby carriage – stood in stark contrast to most of the wreckage.
Mas…Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine
Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman
(PNS reporting from WAUKEGAN, IL) Erlinda Morales has wanted an MBA degree for years, but it wasn’t until a Facebook ad for the University of Phoenix popped into her newsfeed that her dream began to come true.
“All I had to do was click on the ad, fill out a form, and all of a sudden I’m in graduate school getting my Masters in Business Administration! This is the happiest day of my life!” she posted on a Facebook Status Update Sunday afternoon.
“They’re such a big deal, they have ads everywhere — not just any school would be able to advertise like that,” she bragged.
Mas…Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman
Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things
The news broke out of Phoenix late Friday, but to tell you the truth, we weren’t surprised. Judge G. Murray Snow of the United States District Court for Arizona officially declared the policing policies of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio unconstitutionally “racist.”
The New York Times summed up the decision this way:
… the sheriff relied on racial profiling and illegal detentions to target Latinos, using their ethnicity as the main basis for suspecting they were in the country illegally. Many of the people targeted were American citizens or legal residents.
It took us a while to read the entire ruling but we went through the whole thing and came up with eight additional findings about “America’s toughest sheriff”:
Mas…Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things
Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Charlie Sheen today announced the launch of Carlos Estevez, a new line of Charlie Sheen created to appeal to Hispanic preferences and to specifically meet their needs based on the unique way Hispanics approach entertainment.
Charlie Sheen’s new product targets the burgeoning Hispanic market, now valued at a trillion dollars a year.
The Carlos Estevez line of Charlie Sheen is based on extensive consumer research and will be available soon in the new Robert Rodriguez Machete Kills film, and eventually in various TV commercials for personal injury attorney services and Budweiser Lime-A-Rita spots.
Mas…Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen
Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis
(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) Mary Hernandez has a problem: she’s addicted to Takis. The 17-year-old Californian cannot get enough of the spicy imported Mexican corn chips.
“She eats Takis all the time instead of real food,” lamented her mother Laura, while stirring a pot of beans. “She needs real food; look — she’s getting too skinny!”
Hernandez, a senior at San Bernardino High School, said her Takiphilia began when a friend offered her “just a little taste” behind the gym after school. She snuck a bite and has been madly munching away since.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis
Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye
(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Internet security companies here are warning PC users a new threat could be hitting their email inboxes this week: Mal-Ojo-Ware.
The malicious software penetrates a users’ PC via an inviting email from an attractive young woman or man and then takes control of the computer and sticks the user with mal ojo.
Immigrant-loving John McCain sings: ‘You’re Our Guest!’ (music video)
The Republican Senator from the Hate State of Arizona, John McCain, is one of the “Gang of Eight” senators behind the new immigration reform bill. Today his office released this love song to the “new voters” he wants to legalize.
Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.
The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.
The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.
After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.
Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Outgoing Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has a proposal for incoming mayor Eric Garcetti: Be my wingman.
Villariagosa has been contemplating life after being LA’s mayor — and it’s not looking good. Reviewing his taste for power and dating attractive women who would be out of his shorty league if he weren’t powerful, Villariagosa told PNS he’s worried.
Mas…Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’
Immigration Bill clears Senate committee on way to becoming law
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) A bruised, battered and patched-up Immigration Bill cleared a major hurdle Tuesday as a bipartisan 13-5 vote kicked Bill out of the Judiciary Committee and onto the Senate floor.
POCHO caught up with Bill in his dressing room after the committee vote and got him to agree to a short, on-the-record interview:
POCHO: You sleazed past the tricky gay partner trap, you sucked up to the high tech lobby, you bribed the security-is-our-business government contractors and now you’re one step closer to becoming a law. So how does it feel?
IMMIGRATION BILL: What do you want me to say? I’m just a Bill, I’m just a Bill and I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill.
POCHO: How do you get the strength to maintain day after day? What’s your secret?
Mas…Immigration Bill clears Senate committee on way to becoming law
In LaLa Land, in 2005, we were ‘Livin’ Villagairosa’ (audio)
Antonio Villaraigosa came into the Los Angeles’ Mayor’s office with so much promise in 2005.
My radio show on KPFK, The Pocho Hour of Power (heard Fridays at 4PM PST on 90.7 FM) produced and played this also hopeful and playful tune, Livin’ Villaraigosa, to document the excitement and also skewer the anti-Mexican conspiracy theorists who were raising a Reconquista alarm about Villaraigosa.
Mas…In LaLa Land, in 2005, we were ‘Livin’ Villagairosa’ (audio)
Pocho Ocho best ways to market to ‘Hispanics’
They’re confused, the poor marketeers. They try so hard to sell fish esticks and bleach and PETA to “Hispanics,” but they are low and slow on the learning curve.
Nearly Half of Second-Gen Hispanics Feel Like Ads Don’t Target Them, laments the tradezine Adweek.
You mean pochos with limited/zero Spanish aren’t picking up trendy brand tips watching telenovelas on Spanish-language TV? And nobody reading this story really cares all that much about Juanes’ aftershave? What’s an earnest marketeer to do?
Los Pochodores are here to help with the Pocho Ocho best ways to reach out to that elusive “Hispanic” market:
Venezuela shit production hits record, outpaces toilet paper supply
The Venezuelan Bolivarian Revolution, now firmly guided by the strong and steady hand of Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro, has achieved new records in the production of shit, or mierda as it is known locally.
But pride in the record April crop of fecal material was tempered by a Western capitalist conspiracy which has left the country short of papel higiénico.
Mas…Venezuela shit production hits record, outpaces toilet paper supply
Breaking: Miami woman reveals plans to quit Facebook
(PNS reporting from MIAMI) South Beach resident Christina Patricia Santiago is planning to leave Facebook on Friday, according to a Status Update she published Sunday night.
Responding to a question from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who asked Santiago “What’s on your mind?” when she logged into her account, the 32-year-old media buyer for a boutique advertising firm told 442 Facebook “friends” she does “not have time for this bullshit.”
“Nikki: I don’t care who Selena Gomez is seeing,” she wrote.
Disney Day of the Dead faux pas: Latinos turned noise into news (audio)
From NPR: When Disney tried to trademark Dia de los Muertos for their new movie merchandise inspired by the Mexican holiday, Latinos picked up their own mice, went online and turned things back around.
For this week’s News or Noise, Latino USA guest host Luis Antonio Perez speaks with POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz and Kety Esquivel, a digital media strategist, about how Latinos online retaliated against the entertainment giant.
Breaking: Congress to probe ‘illegal immigrant sneaker code’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Randolph Snopes (R-AL) plans committee hearings next week to investigate reports that “illegal immigrants” from Mexico are encoding secret messages in sneakers hanging over telephone wires — messages about how to avoid police, sell drugs and promote terrorism, PNS has learned.
Snopes, chairman of the Unamerican Activities Committee, maintains that evidence of “sneaker-encoded propaganda” has been covered up by “high echelons of the Obama Administration,” according to leaked committee documents circulating on Capitol Hill.
Mas…Breaking: Congress to probe ‘illegal immigrant sneaker code’
Colbert Report: Do Hispanics cost trillion$ and have low IQs? (video)
It takes an ace newsman like Stephen Colbert to get to the bottom of the barrel of reasons why the Heritage Foundation’s report on immigration says legalization will cost us six trillion dollars and the entire Hispanic race has lower IQs than native white Americans.
Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama gave up his efforts to pass comprehensive immigration reform this week, informing Republican leaders that he didn’t care about reform anymore.
“Fuck it!” Obama reportedly told Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a conference call Tuesday.
“I don’t care about reform anymore, are you happy? Don’t pass it, see if I fuckin’ care!”
Washington insiders say that the president’s sudden change of heart on immigration has less to do with his actual desire to see reform pass and more to do with tactical consderations. Every time the president wants to pass legislation, Republicans balk — so if he doesn’t want to pass immigration reform, the thinking goes, conservatives will play along.
Mas…Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes
Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Previously-secret startup MasaTek.com today unveiled a hardware/software combo that uses 3D printing to print corn or flour tortillas with the religious or brand image of your choice.
“The waiting is over!” Carlos Molinero, president of the Silicio Barrio company, told reporters here. “You need Jesus? He’s just a click away. La Virgen is always on deck!”
The WiFi-enabled printer is the size of a small microwave and has a hopper on top for masa. It uses open source 3D software, Molinero said, and is easily addressable with standard CAD tools.
Mas…Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer
Ghost woman walks Bogota street, disappears into thin air (video)
Victor Barona of Bogota, Colombia TV news NTN24.com reporting:
Closed circuit security cameras outside a townhouse complex record a woman walking the street late at night, a woman dressed in clothes from another century. She is plainly visible on camera and then she disappears into thin air. Ma ma ma my llorona.
Mas…Ghost woman walks Bogota street, disappears into thin air (video)
Breaking: Ancient Mayan pyramid foreclosed on, demolished
(PNS reporting from BELIZE CITY) The Nohmul complex, an ancient Mayan pyramid in the north of this Central American country, was recently bulldozed by a local contractor who used the crushed rock to “fill” a road. Nohmul was utilized as a ceremonial center 2,300 years ago.
After public outcry from archaeologists, local authorities said they would investigate the demolition.
Belize real estate attorney Alejandro Bolsa de Duchez defended the destruction:
Mas…Breaking: Ancient Mayan pyramid foreclosed on, demolished
Pocha Playmate of the Year speaks Spanish AND American (video)
Playboy’s first Pocha Playmate of the Year, Raquel Pomplun, is bilingual. Hugh Hefner notes (after the one-minute mark) that the Chula Vista, CA native speaks both Spanish and “American.” (Totally nonironic video via Brussels, Belgium’s Jewish News One Network. Who knew?)
Mas…Pocha Playmate of the Year speaks Spanish AND American (video)