Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

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As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:

8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!

Mas…Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

ZIC ZAZOU: ‘Habanera’ from Bizet’s ‘Carmen’ work shop style (video)

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French band ZIC ZAZOU plays the greatest hit from Georges Bizet‘s 1875 opera Carmen — Habanera — with stuff that’s lying around the shop. Now, you may ask yourself, “Do some people just have too much time on their hands?” And we say, “You don’t have time, you make time.” [EDITOR’S NOTE: Tell your friends about this video! Suggested email: ‘ZOMG it’s like OPERA and it’s rilly cool! See there’s like these old French guys…'”]

Ñewsweek: Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Señor Twinkie

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There were these Pilgrims, OK? They were like undocumented boat people refugees fleeing religious oppression in England and they drove all the way to America. Err, sailed over. And there they met these Noble Native Americans who taught them how to plant corn with fish and everyone had this amazing turkey dinner together because they were all thankful.

Later on they killed each other for discounts on flat screen TVs and the chance to bust unions and bankrupt Twinkies. What? You missed these headlines? Here are the week’s big estories, as POCHO once again breaks the ñews:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Señor Twinkie

A chemistry geeks’ guide to Thanksgiving food chemistry (video)

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Why do we eat mashed potatoes and not mashed paper towels? How does that turkey pop-up timer work? Belches? Farts? Join students at the Catholic University of America for this short lecture by Professor Diane Bunce. The 24-minute video is called Thanksgiving and Chemistry: What’s the connection?

Inspired by Snoop Lion? Mexico wants to change its name, too

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I was once reading a delightful conversation online between inbred racist trolls on their favorite punching bag, Mexico; they joked about making Mexico the “51st state.”

One idiot brilliantly observed that this genius plan might not work because “I think they have states, too.”

Wow. Yes, Mexico has 31 states, and one Federal District,  presumably where the Federales park their horses. (A little backwater ranchito called Mexico City.)

But Mexico, as it turns out, also doesn’t have the name “Mexico.”

On its independence from madre España in 1821, Mexico became the Estados Unidos Mexicanos or “Mexican United States.” It’s said that  this United States-like name inspired the also freedom-loving people south of the border, and the name became official in 1824.

Outgoing Mexican President Felipe Calderon just sent the Mexican Congress proposed legislation to change the country’s name officially to simply “Mexico.”

Mas…Inspired by Snoop Lion? Mexico wants to change its name, too

POCHO Estaff Reports: The Real Turkeys of Thanksgiving

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POCHO’s Especial Correspondents spread out across America yesterday observing Thanksgiving (just like normal people!) and sent in notes about their day. Some names were changed to avoid unpredictable results.  Read their stories and share your own in the comments!

Homeboy in East Los: My family’s so Mexican we carved the turkey with a switchblade ·IN MEMORY of SMILEY·

Dateline, Austin: MEChA cousin Xochiloctl is in the living room refusing to eat turkey and playing Call of Duty instead.

Nancy in Santana, the O.C.: That awkward moment when three-year-old Cousin Ricardo makes a big announcement that everybody better finish their plates because Mommy spent the whole day cooking the dog.

Mas…POCHO Estaff Reports: The Real Turkeys of Thanksgiving

So let it be written: Now I am become ‘Hispanic’

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In The Beginning: For 37 years I lived my life without realizing I was Hispanic.

A few days ago, while waiting for the bus, I overheard a conversation that changed my life. A gentleman was speaking Japanese with several ladies, and when they reverted to English, the ladies asked him, “Well if you’re not from Japan, what nationality are you?” He replied that he was from Brazil. This did not surprise me, as there are over 1.5 million Brazilians of Japanese descent.

His response did make me wonder, however, about how Americans define “Hispanic,” whether this gentleman would consider himself Hispanic, and whether he met the U.S. government’s definition(s) of Hispanic.

Mas…So let it be written: Now I am become ‘Hispanic’

Pocho Ocho tips for a successful if not safe and sane Black Friday

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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad. So as a public service we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to make your Black Friday quest successful, if not totally safe and sane:

8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.

7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.

6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.

Mas…Pocho Ocho tips for a successful if not safe and sane Black Friday

To: sw6n-34kd31fa8@dcjobs.craigslist.org  Re: GOP Latino Wrangler

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Dear Party of Lincoln:
I am very interested in the Latino Wrangler opening at the Republican National Committee you advertised on CraigsList.

My wife is half Mexican, my son is one-quarter Mexican and I have been to Mexico four times for cheap lobster, not that anyone's ethnicity would be used as a qualification for this job. I'm white, of course.

Mas...To: sw6n-34kd31fa8@dcjobs.craigslist.org  Re: GOP Latino Wrangler

Black Friday or ‘How I stabbed myself in the eye’

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Hey, everybody! Here comes that most horrible days of days: Black Friday, or as I like to call it, stab-myself-in-the-eye-and-roll-under-a-bus day!

Black Friday makes me want to jump off a cliff into a pile of rusty knives. I can’t think of anything worse than waking up at the butt-crack of dawn to go shopping in a crowded mall full of deal-crazed screamy people while the smell of pretzel donuts fills the air and dance beats blast over the sound system.

Seriously, why are they always playing that horrible uplifting dance music? Are they trying to force me to be happy? Shopping is not Happy Time. I don’t want to do the sandbar shimmy while I try on pants, I want to feel awkward and inadequate like God intended.

Mas…Black Friday or ‘How I stabbed myself in the eye’

Pleased as ponche, Tres Flores triplets give company to workers

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(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Pleased with the reelection of the President, thrilled to provide Obamacare for their employees and acknowledging their loyal workers built a small family firm into a billion-dollar corporation, the three siblings who own the Tres Flores Corporation are giving their company to their staff.

Abelardo, Bernardo and Chichi Flor — 83-year-old triplets who gave Tres Flores their name — started bottling home-made hair oil in a garage in this L.A. suburb over 50 years ago. Tres Flores is now a worldwide operation that employes 600 people and has facilities in Southern California, Louisiana and New Jersey.

“We’re retiring and we don’t have any heirs,” oldest triplet Abelardo (born 20 minutes before brother Bernardo) told a press conference this morning. “We’ve been approached to sell the firm, but we couldn’t think of anyone better to run it than the folks who have been with us all these years.”

“Shaddap, Lardo,” Bernardo responded. “I would have an heir if you hadn’t scared away Selena Valderrama with that Migra Maus costume on Halloween in 1974!”

Mas…Pleased as ponche, Tres Flores triplets give company to workers

Pocho Ocho secrets of the first Thanksgiving

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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight things right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Fieri’s Tipi

Mas…Pocho Ocho secrets of the first Thanksgiving

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Turkey al pastor tacos for Thanksgiving Day

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Happy Mexican Thanksgiving Day!

Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.

When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Gwell, I no happy with that. (I think the Indios here in this country oso no happy with the Puritans who bring disease and then take their land–I just saying.) Anyways, Thanksgiving oso is part of a festival of the harvest and for to celebrate special blessings. So to celebrate when the al pastor taco was invent and oso that the Mexican peoples were the first ones to make the turkey domesticate, I make the turkey al pastor taco.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Turkey al pastor tacos for Thanksgiving Day

Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama

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Loser and liar Willard “Mitt” Romney finally got something correct! The overwhelming Latino margin for President Bronco Bama was entirely due to “gifts” the Democrats used as bribes. Here are the top eight:

8. Taco Tuesdays covered by Obamacare
7. Rick Bayless gets full-time gig with Food and Drug Administration (Drug Division)
6. New “path to citizenship:” SuperLotto

Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama

‘Prometheus’ exhibits subtle (and not-so-subtle) Hollywood racism

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First things first – Ridley Scott is an asshole.

OK. Now that that’s out of the way, I recently rented the film Prometheus and boy did it suck. I had to check the credits and make sure David Duke wasn’t executive producer.

There are a ton of sites that discuss why this film sucks so I won’t go into those here. There are also a ton of sites that get into why film snobs like me just don’t “get it” and that’s fine – I was actually disappointed to find that Roger Ebert not only liked this film but thought it was “magnificent.” Four stars? Pfft.

This film, while visually stunning at times, is just another notch in the belt for the subtle and not-so-subtle racism that spews out of the Hollywood machine. I Googled “Prometheus racist” and found one thread that had people mocking the very notion:

Racist?! Give me a break!

Mas…‘Prometheus’ exhibits subtle (and not-so-subtle) Hollywood racism

Ñewsweek: Adios to Florida, viral Latinophilia, hot sex escandal

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Florida once against led the nation in advanced asshattery (Arizona — step up your game!) as it became the first state to actually secede from the United Estates, thanks to President Bronco Bama’s “Don’t Let the Door Hit Your Ass on the Way Out” declaration.

In East Los, gangbangers finally got their chance to do it Ganga/Gangnam style with Don Cheto, and across America many right-wing racists seemed to be suffering from an infection of acute contagious Latinophilia, with Fox-head Sean Hannity leading the pack of patients.

And then there was the shock resignation of Maria Cholula after revelations of her affair with Tagberto Tapatio.

We have all the big ñews links here:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Adios to Florida, viral Latinophilia, hot sex escandal

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