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Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month

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jesseborregoHispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which starts in 10 days.

But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta.

¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month:

8. Reset your calendar so months begin on 15th

7. Purchase and enjoy all 57 bean varieties from Hispanic comida conglomerate Goya

6. Grow a luxurious mustache — you too, mujeres! 

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month

Breaking: Marketing to Latins? Talk Latin to us, activists say

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latinspeakersq(PNS reporting from UPTON ABBEY, MI) Frater Cassius the Yon was adamant.

“In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti,” he insisted in a rare English-language interview Sunday. “There is no such thing as Latin dancing, unless you mean the “dance of death” from the Black Plague. And Latin music is Gregorian chants, Enya and Necrodeath. Ain’t nobody got no time for that! Tempus fugit!”

Mas…Breaking: Marketing to Latins? Talk Latin to us, activists say

Moses y Jesús team up in ‘Prophetic Fight for Immigrant Rights’ (video)

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When Moses attracts the attention of the MIGRA, he seeks out his amigo Jesús for some help. Can this Holy Tag Team come up with a miracle to defeat the haters? [Written and produced by: Josh Healey. Directed by: Yvan Iturriaga. Starring: Corey Fischer (Moses), Richard Montoya (Jesús), and Jeri Lynn Cohen (Zippy). Produced by: Favianna Rodriguez. Executive Produced by: Culture Strike.]

Unfunny ‘Latino’ sitcom debuts Sunday, people will watch anyhow

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johngomez(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Newcomer John Gomez stars as The John Gomez Show premieres Sunday night, the latest sitcom starring a Latino that is destined to join the long line of Latino TV shows that suck.

John and his sweet, sexy wife Lisa are a happily-married couple with two children. Daughter Rosie is just turning the corner to teenager, and son Sam is a precocious — oh, forget about the plot line, it promises to simply suck big time.

“It’s a formula for failure,” declared Hispanic TV audiences everywhere.

“I will watch it no matter how bad it is. Juan Gomez is one of our own, even though he is the unfunniest Latino on the planet,” said Latina inactivist Vera Tellez.

Mas…Unfunny ‘Latino’ sitcom debuts Sunday, people will watch anyhow

They know what we want! Pocho Ocho trendiest Latino baby foods

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gordobaby400BURNS: Smithers! The Latinos! With the demographics! And the babies! Quick, we need Latino baby food! It’s a goldmine of a wagon de band upon which we must to hop!

SMITHERS: But, Mr. Burns? Latino baby food? WTF? For God’s sake, man, we already have Clorox Latino. When will the madness end?

BURNS: It’s already happening, Smithers, and I just read on Fox Latino that “one of the concerns that Hispanic mothers have is losing touch with their culture and their culinary roots.” Cashing in on concerns is the capitalist way, Smithers. Release the perros!

What are these trendy Latino baby food items anyhow? We’ve got the deets on the Pocho Ocho:

Mas…They know what we want! Pocho Ocho trendiest Latino baby foods

White Hispanics: ‘Hey! We’re not ALL murderous douchebags’

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ronstadtbrown“White Hispanic” is one of mainstream media’s hottest new buzzwords, a term that has leaped off of old census forms and job applications to join the ranks of “twerking,” “3-D printing,” and “Death to Edward Snowden!”

The mainstream media needs to distinguish between different colors of Latinos because it was too polite to ask  “Why is Trayvon Martin’s killer, George Zimmerman, so… DARK for his name? And isn’t Aaron Hernandez, that allegedly trigger-happy New England Patriots player, a little… LIGHT for his?”

I guess I could be called a “White Hispanic,” as my dad’s from Colombia and my Yiddishe momme reps Brooklyn.  I really wish it didn’t take two high-profile killings to bring Latino-and-white people into the public eye, but Linda Ronstadt (photo) and Joan Baez aren’t making new albums and Little Ricky’s been off TV for a while.

Mas…White Hispanics: ‘Hey! We’re not ALL murderous douchebags’

Attention: It’s time to get real about Latino movie projects

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attentionhollywoodOkay, time for a reality check.

Despicable Me 2 made $59.5 million in its first two days of release. Do any of you seriously believe that Universal gives a flying fuck if Latinos are upset over the negative stereotyping of a Latino character ?

As my good friend Bob Eisele likes to say, “Here’s the situation…” THEY DON’T CARE. Please allow me to repeat that… THEY DON’T CARE.

We Latinos can yell, scream, jump up and down, stand on our heads, do somersaults and they still won’t care. The movie is on track to make hundreds of millions of dollars for Universal.

Year before last, Ron Meyer, the head of Universal Studios, spoke at a NALIP luncheon and told us to our faces that Universal doesn’t make Latino-themed or Latino-starred movies because Latinos don’t go to see them. And you know what? He’s right. Latinos are almost 40% of the all important opening day box office. Unfortunately, Latinos go to see Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Transformers, Star Trek, Star Wars, Iron Man, Batman, Spiderman, anything but Latino-themed movies. What’s the solution?

Mas…Attention: It’s time to get real about Latino movie projects

The Latino Shopper: You probably think this vid is about you

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ZOMG! They made a video about mi gente, The Latino Shopper? About how we are unique and have a special sensual way of Latino shopping? Because, after all, all Latinos are the same! That’s right, Hispanics, too! Does this video have clip art, arrows and zoomy sound effects? Perky gabacho announcer? ¡Orale! I am so there!

Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Famed Chicano attorney Oscar Zeta Acosta — who “disappeared without a trace” in Mexico 40 years ago — has once again seen his shadow while sitting on the wharf in San Blas, Nayarit. Now he’ll have to live a life of secret exile for another year.

Acosta, now 78, sits on a comfortable chair overlooking the Pacific every June 1. If he sees his shadow before a certain time, Acosta announces, “I have paid all my debts, I have paid all my dues and now nothing remains but the joy of madness. Another Indian gone amok.”

He made that exact announcement in a workingman’s waterfront pulque bar 10 days ago, PNS has learned.

Mas…Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year

Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.

A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.

“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.

“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.

Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

In LaLa Land, in 2005, we were ‘Livin’ Villagairosa’ (audio)

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Antonio Villaraigosa came into the Los Angeles’ Mayor’s office with so much promise in 2005.

My radio show on KPFK, The Pocho Hour of Power (heard Fridays at 4PM PST on 90.7 FM) produced and played this also hopeful and playful tune, Livin’ Villaraigosa, to document the excitement and also skewer the anti-Mexican conspiracy theorists who were raising a Reconquista alarm about Villaraigosa.

Mas…In LaLa Land, in 2005, we were ‘Livin’ Villagairosa’ (audio)

Pocho Ocho best ways to market to ‘Hispanics’

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They’re confused, the poor marketeers. They try so hard to sell fish esticks and bleach and PETA to “Hispanics,” but they are low and slow on the learning curve.

Nearly Half of Second-Gen Hispanics Feel Like Ads Don’t Target Them, laments the tradezine Adweek.

You mean pochos with limited/zero Spanish aren’t picking up trendy brand tips watching telenovelas on Spanish-language TV? And nobody reading this story really cares all that much about Juanes’ aftershave? What’s an earnest marketeer to do?

Los Pochodores are here to help with the Pocho Ocho best ways to reach out to that elusive “Hispanic” market:

Mas…Pocho Ocho best ways to market to ‘Hispanics’

PBS ‘Downton Abbey’ series adds first adorable black character

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(PNS reporting from LONDON) Downton Abbey executive producer Gareth Neame said today that newcomer Gary Coleman’s addition to the British show “will bring interesting twists to the drama.” The cute-as-a-button actor has most recently been seen in various American sitcoms and reality programs.

His Downton character, Arnold Jackson, is described as “a charming and charismatic” young man. The long-awaited addition marks the first time Downton has had an adorable black character.

Mas…PBS ‘Downton Abbey’ series adds first adorable black character

Happy Inko! Celebrate National Cartoonists Day on Cinco de Mayo

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Happy Inko de Mayo from La Cucaracha!

Yes, today is the day where we celebrate cartoonists, as it is National Cartoonists Day.

Serio, the National Cartoonists Society started this event a few years ago, apparently  because they had no Latino members at the time who might have mentioned May 5 is already Cinco de Mayo, but, hey, I’m glad they ran with it!

So, let’s honor our ink-stained heroes who go back to the drawing table day after day and try to provide you with some laughs, smirks or even a muted chuckle. I am happy to double celebrate on this day, especially as a Chicano cartoonist and avid Battle of Puebla recreator. So throw a few back today (of course I mean espresso, we’re celebrating cartoonists for heaven’s sake!)

WTF? ‘Latina’ magazine picks 30 ‘most iconic’ Latinos on TV

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Boy, these are fun times, huh? Everyone wants to either be Latino or market Latino things. Let’s all Hispanicize!

I mean, just look around! The GOP is embracing Latinos (har, har) and there are products everywhere like Tide Latino, Ford Latino, Clorox Latino, Latino socks, Latino water, Latino sunlight. Hell, there’s even a PETA Latino now! These Hispanic marketeers know no bounds!

Recently, Latina.com named the “30 most iconic Latino TV characters of the past 60 years.”

My only problem with that is their elastic definition of “Latino.” Many of their icon choices are either stereotypes or just plain questionable. They could have named their article “We’re reaching here, so bear with us, and buy some Latino Tide!”

I’ll run down a few of the more questionable picks and let you decide who makes the cut. Are they iconic? Are they Latino? Are they iconic Latinos?? Gasp! You be the judge. And for the love of Latino Jesus, make sure you buy some corporate Latino products while you’re at it.

Mas…WTF? ‘Latina’ magazine picks 30 ‘most iconic’ Latinos on TV

Latino filmmaker claims Zach Braff stole his Kickstarter funding

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Actor and film director Zach Braff has raised $2 million in three days to fund a follow-up to his 2004 film, Garden State.

Over 30,000 Kickstarter backers pledged $2.1-plus million to Braff’s Wish I Was Here, with 25 days left in the campaign.

Not everyone is pleased with the results of this highly-successful crowd-funding effort. Chicano filmmaker Cuahctemoc Esperanza is upset that Braff raised millions yet no one has pledged any Kickstarter money for his documentary Chicana/o Vegan-themed Musical Resistance in Chiapas During the Early 90s.

Mas…Latino filmmaker claims Zach Braff stole his Kickstarter funding

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) warned Wednesday that “radical Islamists” are being “trained to act like Hispanic[s]” and cross the U.S.-Mexico border.

“We know Al Qaeda, which has changed its name to Al Pastor, has camps with the drug cartels over there on the other side of the Mexican border,” he warned on C-SPAN.

“Arabs are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanics instead of radical Islamists. They teach them to say ‘homeboy’ instead of ‘habibi,’ they show them how to watch ‘telenovelas’ instead of Bin Laden videos. It’s pure evil!”

Mas…Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) The media may question the newly-elected pontiff’s ethnicity, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio firmly believes that Pope Francis is Latino.

“His real name is Jorge and he speaks Spanish. I’m damn sure he is a Latino; he’s probably a Mexican, ” Arpaio told the monthly breakfast meeting of the Sons of the Arizona Indian Wars Wednesday.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

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(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.

The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.

“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.

“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”

Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

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