Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Sophie Wasserman

They were just ordinary people, living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstances conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH

Sophie Wasserman, Ph.D., (1923-2001) was a DuPont chemical engineer and the chief scientist behind the petroleum polymer extrusion technologies that formed the basis for smooth sheets of soft and flexible plastic “fabrics.”

One of her innovative new materials was branded as Corinthian Leather, the  Chrysler Cordoba luxury feature that led to fame and fortune for Ricardo Mantalban, the Most Corinthian Man in the World.

Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Sophie Wasserman

Rick Bayless is National Council of La Raza’s ‘Mexican of the Year’

(PNS reporting from GRINGOLANDIA) After being awarded the prestigious Order of the Aztec Eagle by the Mexican government in June, culinary guru and TV star Rick Bayless has been selected by the National Council of La Raza as their 2012 Mexican of Year.

“Generalissimo” Bayless (as he has been dubbed by NPR’s Scott Simon), famed for swooping into indigenous communities, stealing their recipes and making millions from them, is pumped:

It is an honor to represent La Razza and I intend to make them muy, muy, MUY proud of me.

“I am absolutely floored by this, guys! Really! I mean, when I got the Aztec thing, I was like: ‘Whoa!’ But this? Man…this will really up my street cred! Viva La Razza!” Bayless said.

Mas…Rick Bayless is National Council of La Raza’s ‘Mexican of the Year’

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Jonathan Norwen

[They were just ordinary people, living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstances conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH]

Jonathan Norwen was just your typical intern at Univision, working towards his communication degree from Florida International University, when he was assigned the all-important task of keeping Don Francisco sober enough to get through a taping of Sabado Gigante. Norwen immediately formed a bond with Francisco and continues to hide the Don’s stash of Chivas Regal to this
day.

Norwen photo by Armedgill.

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Dikran Karabedian

They were just ordinary people, living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstances conspired with fate to make them

UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH

Dikran Karabedian (1904-1967) was a humble immigrant shoemaker from Armenia with a knack for invisible and indestructible leather stitchery when he caught the eye of famed Hollywood costume designer Aida Cabeza. Karabedian’s architectural acumen was the secret structural salsa that made the towering fruit hats of Carmen Miranda possible.

Karabedian photo by IntelGuy.

Fake Mexicans: Why Julian Castro failed the Mexican test

(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Can you speak eSpanish like Mexican Mitt? Can you dance around a sombrero at a moment’s notice? Do you crease your Dickies until they can cut through glass? If you answered “no” to any of these questions then you might be a fake Mexican, just like San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro.

In the latest “fake Mexican” scandal, Castro made headlines across the country as the first Latino keynote speaker at the Democratic National Convention earlier this month, but his glaring lack of forced Spanish catch-phrases has some people questioning his Mexican card. Some have even dared to call the vato a pocho…

Mas…Fake Mexicans: Why Julian Castro failed the Mexican test

Sheriff Joe gears up for tough re-election battle, reveals secret weapon

(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Arizona’s toughest sheriff, Joe Arpaio, might soon be known as Arizona’s fiercest sheriff. Arpaio is gearing up for what he expects will be the toughest of his five re-election campaigns and he is pulling out all the stops this time by revealing his alter ego, “KoKo.”

No stranger to controversy, Arpaio is facing a determined effort from immigration rights activists and the Justice Department to push him out of office but says that “KoKo” will give him the edge this time in fending off his enemies.

A ruling in a lawsuit that alleges his department violated the civil rights of Latinos is expected any day now but Arpaio says that he will weather the storm with “swag and style” the likes of which Maricopa County has never witnessed.

Mas…Sheriff Joe gears up for tough re-election battle, reveals secret weapon

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer unwraps her roots in Guanajuato, MX (photo)

(PNS reporting from MEXICO) In a bid to rehabilitate her image with Latinos, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer visits her old friends in Guanajuato, Mexico.

RELATED:

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

CBP_Border_Patrol_agent_reads_the_Miranda_rights(PNS reporting from EL PASO) The smell of grilled cebollas greeted visitors to a carne asada party in the back yard of the Lopez home in El Paso’s lower valley Saturday evening, as the family celebrated the graduation of the Lopez family’s prodigal son as a “Pinche Migra.”

José “Johnny” Marrufo completed the 58-day course at the United States Customs and Border Protection’s Border Patrol Academy located in Artesia, NM in July.

He graduated as a Border Patrol Agent and is now ready to detain his Mexican brethren.

“I feel happy that I will protect our border from terrorists and criminal aliens, some of whom are my relatives”  the former Riverside High School third baseman told PNS.

Mas…Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

Perspective: UN adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list

[Editor’s Note: With all the attention Salma Hayek’s been getting about pride in her Mexican heritage or lack thereof, POCHO wants to put things in perspective. This story first appeared on June 4.]

(PNS reporting from GENEVA) The U.N.’s Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has added Salma Hayek’s breasts to the official list of the world’s greatest cultural assets.

Joining the Pyramids in Egypt, the Eiffel Tower in France, the Taj Mahal in India and the Great Wall of China, the Mexican-American actresses’ ample bosom is now acclaimed as one of the great “Cultural Wonders of the World.”

Mas…Perspective: UN adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list

GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Rep. (and Senatorial hopeful) Todd Akin (R-MO) intends to write and publish a children’s book that explains to kids how babies are made, according to his staff.

The colorful How Non-Forcible Rape Babies Are Made explains Akin’s understanding of how the human reproductive system works in clear, simple language and bright illustrations especially written for Tea Party Republican voters who approve of his recent comments on rape and pregnancy.

The touchy subject is elucidated in loving and religious detail:

When a rapist loves a mommy, Jesus reaches down from heaven and touches the mommy’s tummy and the miracle of life is created. The end.

Mas…GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Older undocumented immigrants have been trying to pass as youngsters so they can qualify for the Obama Administration’s new Deferred Action program, PNS has learned.

On Thursday, several elderly immigrants were hustled out in the Denver, CO immigration office trying to fake the required cutoff age of 30.

ICE reported that they found one viejito, known only as “Chavo,” hiding inside a barrel and dressed in in a striped shirt, red suspenders, brown khaki shorts and a propeller hat. ICE told PNS that the man was malnourished and kept asking for ham sandwiches.

Mas…Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Early this morning, area farmworker Celestino Sepúlveda made five years of his tax returns public.

Holding faded copies of his 1040EZ from tax years 2007 to 2011, Sepúlveda told reporters, “Quiero ser un ejemplo para Romney” (I want to be an example for Romney) by publicly revealing his Federal returns.

At a press conference  held at 3AM scheduled to accommodate his need to obtain agricultural day work from farm labor contractors, who start recruiting at 3:30, Sepúlveda explained.

“I have nothing to hide about the way I earn my money, because I earned it through honest work,” said the 37-year-old native of Jalpa, Zacatecas, standing with several other farmworkers on the corner of Paisano and Oregon Streets. (A family photo, above, shows him harvesting cucumbers.)

Fellow farmworker Pepe Martínez agreed. “Sí, una persona humilde como mi compadre lo hizo, ¿porqué no El Romney?”

Mas…Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

Young undocumented immigrants line up to apply for Deferred Action

(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants brought to this country as children are applying today for a deportation reprieve under a new program established by the Obama administration.

DREAMers will receive a two­-year deferment of deportation proceedings. If approved by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, those DREAMers can also apply for a work permit and later reapply for another deportation deferment.

Some of the details of the program are still being ironed out. Eliseo Medrano of Aurora, who was lined up (photo, left) at the Chicago FCIS Office said, “I didn’t know there was going to be a talent portion to the application today. I suppose I can sing “Volver” or something.”

Mas…Young undocumented immigrants line up to apply for Deferred Action

Breaking Ñews: GOP VP pick Paul Ryan reveals his new budget plan

(PNS reporting from KANSAS CITY) GOP Vice Presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., is introducing his budget plan to voters today and POCHO is on the scene as he begins his press conference (photo, above.)

  • Check back with POCHO for updates — we break the ñews 24/7.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

(PNS reporting from the HATE STATE OF ARIZONA) Samuel Wurzelbacher – known to most Americans as simply “Joe the Plumber” or “dumbass” – made an recent appearance at a fundraiser for Republican Arizona State Senator candidate Lori Klein and shocked the audience by telling them that the way to solve the country’s illegal Canadian immigration problem is to station troops along the northern border and have them “start shooting the damn snowbacks.”

“For years I’ve said, you know, put a damn fence on the border going to Canada and start shooting. I’m running for Congress and that should be a bad thing to say. But you know what, it’s how I feel…I want my borders protected, I’m very, very adamant about that. I’m sick of these snowbacks sneaking in here illegally!” Wurzelbacher said.

Mas…Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

Letters Ñ, ¡ and ¿ sue computer keyboard makers for bias

(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Attorneys for typographical characters including enya (Ñ), the inverted exclamation mark (¡) and the inverted question mark (¿) accused major computer keyboard makers of deliberately ignoring their clients’ needs in a relentless race for profits in a class action suit filed here today.

“It’s a case of acquisitiveness over accents,” visibly-angry lead attorney Cuauhtémoc Basta-Piñata (photo, above) told reporters as he emerged from the court clerk’s office. “The key cap cartels make us jump through hoops just to get ourselves equal time in the public eye, all to save a few pennies on costs.”

Basta-Piñata represents the Front for Acceptance of Character Equality (FACE). Plaintiffs in the suit also include transgender characters like И and Я as well as bi-textual characters like Ǽ and Œ.

Mas…Letters Ñ, ¡ and ¿ sue computer keyboard makers for bias

BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen country music legend Randy Travis.

Once deemed George Bush Sr.’s favorite country music star, Travis has been actively campaigning for the slot for over a week, especially in Texas.

Mas…BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males

(PNS reporting from OAK CREEK, WI) Following the second mass shooting by a white male in just a few weeks, Federal authorities will soon start building and outfitting concentration camps for young, white men racially profiled as potential domestic terrorists.

The last time concentration camps were mandated in the U.S. was during World War II when thousands of Japanese-Americans lost their homes, jobs, possessions to ensure the safety of the nation.

“It’s the same principle,” FBI Special Agent Phillip Coulson told a press conference here yesterday “The truth is, no one is safe anymore when young, white men have ample access to firearms, free reign to be hateful online and white privilege that allows them to fly under the radar of our racial profiling system.”

Mas…Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males

California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money

(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) The latest attempt to alleviate the Golden State’s fiscal problems comes from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), which proposed the idea of merging with the California Department of Education (CDOE).

“After comparing the type of education that a student receives in the public school system with that offered to inmates in county jails, we have concluded that the level of education is about the same,” CDCR’s Planning Director Matthew Cole told a press conference here Monday.

“The overlap between the two systems creates enormous waste; therefore, we believe the state would save billions by having the Department of Corrections absorb the school system.”

Mas…California Dreaming: Let’s merge prisons and schools to save money

Mexclusive: Curiosity’s cameras photograph possible alien life-form

BREAKING NEWS: The Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena has just released the first in a series of photographs from the Curiosity Mars Rover that appear to show a strange alien life-form on the surface of the Red Planet. POCHO is following the story and will bring you updates as they come in.

Lady Gaga’s Latino outreach money shot: New bra spurts salsa

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Lady Gaga — on tour to promote a new album — is showing off new red hot wardrobe performance pyrotechnics designed to appeal to Latinos.

The chanteuse commissioned a special exploding salsa bra (see artist’s rendering) and will personally dispense salsa into the tacos of Latinos across the country. Part of her tour will include special mini shows at taco stands across America.

As a followup to her hit song Alejandro, beloved by Latinos because of the title, Gaga’s new single is Tapa Tetas, a play on the name of the popular salsa, Tapatio. The song deals with a spicy Latina who is trying to find her place in the world.

Mas…Lady Gaga’s Latino outreach money shot: New bra spurts salsa

Col. Sanders on Chick-Fil-A: Gay? What’s the big clucking deal?

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Legendary chicken mogul Col. Harlan Sanders is a hawk in the chicken culture wars and he’s not afraid to let the whole clucking chicken world know it.

The white-haired international icon and Kentucky Fried Chicken fast food magnate today issued this statement:

I completely respect the Chick-Fil-A chicken restaurant business built by CEO Dan Cathy, and the Christian principles you espouse are fine as wine, but come on, give it a Goddamn rest. Are you selling chicken or your dumb-ass views? This guy is as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

I personally don’t give a good Goddamn what the homos do in the privacy of their nicely-decorated bedrooms. Hell, they can do it in the bathroom of the KFC, I don’t give a June Bug’s nut sack! I just want their money. Do I hate gay marriage? Who gives a duck’s ass?! Buy some of my chicken. Come in with your flamin’ gay self and order a bucket of Original, Crispy, or BBQ. Hell, I might even come up with a new flavor, “Extra Gay”!

Mas…Col. Sanders on Chick-Fil-A: Gay? What’s the big clucking deal?

New listing: 23rd Century Aztec pychedelic pyramid hilltop estate

Mayans and Aztecs are the new black and now it’s only $1,949,000 for the Aztec/Mayan psychedelic pyramid estate of your dreams, right here in Pocho Estates (A Gated Community.)   Here’s the listing and a mini photo gallery:

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR EXCITEMENT? Want to be transported from the Aztec Pyramids of the 16th Century, into a 23rd century architectural wonder? A monumental sculpture moves from one end of the infinity pool to the other, like Aztec steps leading to an array of futuristic marvels. As you float in this pool, youre at the top of a Mayan empire, surrounded by mountains. Its just you & nature.The first floor is 6700 square feet of openness,with a kitchen floating in the middle, awash in rich wood cabinets, and a breakfast area with four huge windows,all facing those magnificent mountains. Acid washed concrete floors link each area, interspersed with slate-wrapped pillars. Both the living area and master bedroom boast a 4-sided fireplace, wrapped in Italian tiles.

Mas…New listing: 23rd Century Aztec pychedelic pyramid hilltop estate

Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero:

I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?

A Man Named Jed


Dear Jed:

Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

Mas…Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Mitt Romney’s list of potential vice presidential running mates is now down to three finalists, campaign insiders report:

  • Wei Chen, Chengdu, Sichuan, China
  • Sadashiv Gupta, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
  • Ester Ramirez, San Antonio, San Miguel, El Salvador

All three offer various strengths to Romney.

Highly energetic Wei Chen is currently employed at the Foxconn plant in Chengdu, and makes iPads, although he has never seen the complete product.

“I wake up, go to work for 14 hours, then I go back home and go to bed, wake up and do it again,” says Chen, 25. “Being Mitt Romney’s running mate would be a welcome change to my schedule, and perhaps stifle my thoughts of suicide.”

Mas…Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

(PNS reporting from DITTOSTAN) Just a day after revealing that The Dark Knight Rises villain Bane’ is actually Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh has uncovered  even more insidious left-wing propaganda in the eagerly-anticipated film:

The movie, Limbaugh told his radio audience, is part of the Kenyan Socialist media conspiracy and President Obama is “The Darkie Knight.”

“Friends, I am sitting here today in the EIB studio and I have to tell you, I am really, really, realllllly high. Have you guys seen this movie, what’s it called? Yeah, The Dark Knight? Wow…just wow…folks, it’s a real liberal whammy, OK? Uncle Rushbo is giving it to you straight here – I’ve seen the darkie knight and his name is Obama. Hang on a second, folks, I have to play with myself again,” Limbaugh said during yesterday’s program.

Mas…Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

Quinceañera GOP fundraiser planned for princess Ann Romney

(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Greater Los Angeles Hispanic Republicans (GLAHR) will host a fundraiser Sunday for the GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney — a gala named after his wife: Ann’s Quinceañera.

The campaign event, patterned on a Mexican girl’s coming of age celebration, will celebrate Ann Romney as quinceañera. Tickets are available from GLAHR for a $1,500 donation, while padrino sponsorships are available starting at $15,000.

“This is an opportunity for the Hispanic community to get to know Ann and Mitt, and for us to give Ann the quinceañera that she never had,” GLAHR president, Louis Barba — also padrino of the cake — told PNS.

Ann Romney already had her dress fitting at Memories Boutique in Santa Ana, CA. “Every girl wants to be a princess on her quince, and Ann, well, really is like an actual Mormon-American princess,” store owner Minerva Gallegos, la madrina del vestido, said in a phone interview.

Mas…Quinceañera GOP fundraiser planned for princess Ann Romney

Will ‘Fifty Shades of Brown’ dominate Latino erotica market?

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Major book publisher Vintage House Editions announced the release this week of a Latino version of the popular soft-porn bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey.

Written by Santa Fe-based author Carmen Camacho, Fifty Shades of Brown is the erotic tale of a young woman swept up by a charming, detached older man and their tumultuous path towards amor.

The Spanish version of the original book, 50 Tonos de Café, has already been optioned for a Univision telenovela to be titled Te Sigo Pegando.

Fifty Shades of Brown was written with the Latino market in mind and includes culturally-specific elements like facial hair, tequila and charreada-style BDSM instead of just the normal kind,” according to Vintage House spokesman Tristan Caldwell. “We think we can tie this audience up.”

Mas…Will ‘Fifty Shades of Brown’ dominate Latino erotica market?

Puerto Rican scientists ready to activate Large Piña Collider

(PNS reporting from PUERTO RICO) With construction and testing officially completed on the Large Piña Collider (LAPICO), scientists here are ready to begin their high-tech search for the elusive sub-atomic particle that powers the popular cocktail.

LAPICO is a tunnel 25km (15.5 miles) in circumference in the western half of the island, southeast of San Sebastian (satellite photo, above.) Its ring of ice-cooled vacuum pipes are capable of accelerating a stream of maraschino cherries up to 99% of the speed of light (SOL.)

Once the cherries are launched and precision measuring devices determine they are virtually SOL they are fired into a solid pineapple wedge suspended in a large tank of white rum in a state of Marreri-Cofresí equilibrium. The scattered fragments of the collision are measured by a network of repurposed breathalyzer devices and then plotted by computer.

Scientists hope that the Large Piña Collider will be able to find evidence of the elusive Jugos Boson, the so-called Cream Particle which gives all coconut products their silky mouth-feel.

Mas…Puerto Rican scientists ready to activate Large Piña Collider

Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce: ‘Mexicans work better’

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce and the U.S. Labor Department are launching a campaign to promote Hispanic workers.

The Mexicans Work Better campaign encourages American business owners to hire Latino workers for whatever jobs are open and at whatever salary.

“Since the Spanish arrival in the Americas, Latinos have been great workers. We want to encourage U.S. business owners to continue to hire them, at whatever cost,” Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Adrian García told a Monday morning press conference in the Watergate Hotel.

“By hiring Latino workers, business owners get people with a good work ethic, and Latinos get the chance to buy themselves a pack of tortillas — maybe even two. It’s a fair trade.”

Mas…Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce: ‘Mexicans work better’