Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) sure drank a lot of Poland Spring® water during his Republican State of the Union rebuttal speech Tuesday night.
Here are the pocho ocho reasons the GOP’s Great Brown Hope was so thirsty:
8. He’s a pinche mojado
7. Global warming
6. He finds this bullshit hard to swallow himself
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons GOP Sen. Marco Rubio drank so much water
While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies.
8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile.
7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops.
6. He fulfills the requirement of morally edifying an Anglo character, in this case by sending Anderson Cooper an explanatory letter about LAPD corruption.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope
Oh sure old age, weakness, lack of energy, blah blah blah. From our homeboy inside the Vatican, the Jesuit formerly known as Lil Stanky, here are the Infallible VIII reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned:
VIII Not down with the red Gucci slippers
VII Wants to spend more time with the kids
VI Time to start his jihad against the LAPD
The Republican Party has jumped on the immigration reform bandwagon with their own “Path to Citizenship” proposals. Here are the GOP’s pocho ocho ways undocumented residents can get legal:
8. Mow Mitt Romney’s lawn
7. Pose for publicity photo with AZ Gov. Jan Brewja
6. Pretend you’re “Hispanic” for the CIA
Mas…Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’
Que lastima!
Someone estole Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s identity and used his name to purchase groceries in Chicago. The Maricopa, AZ sheriff, unlike the pochodores here in the POCHO ñewsroom, was not amused.
We have a lot of things we’d like to purchase with Sheriff Joe’s moneh, and here are the top eight:
8. Taco USA by POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano
7. ¡Ban This! by POCHO Florida Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera
6. 2013 Good Luck Cartoon Calendar by POCHO Jefe Lalo Alcaraz
Mas…Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard
GOP leaders are undergoing sensitivity training as they re-evaluate immigration reform. Too often, insiders say, Republicans’ choice of words has hidden their true love for Latinos.
“Tone and rhetoric will be key,” is the message from Jennifer Korn, executive director of the Hispanic Leadership Network. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA), who chairs the GOP’s Vendido Caucus, champions “a kinder, gentler racism.”
Top Republicans will receive a list of phrases that should never, ever be used when discussing immigration reform. Here are the pocho ocho things NEVER to say:
8. Git’ back in your beaner-mobile!
7. Speak inglish you ‘ignant brownie.
6. We ain’t need no anchor babies.
Mas…From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos
That was quite a speech, eh? President Bronco Bama rocked the Inaugural Address. Of course, what he didn’t say is as important as what he did.
Here are the pocho ocho zingers dropped from the final espeech:
8. I want to reach across the aisle to our Republican friends and propose the No Mullet Left Behind Act of 2013
7. This is the year we must win the War on Uggs
6. You and I as citizens agree: Everything is better with bacon
Mas…Pocho Ocho zingers dropped from Obama’s Inaugural Address
Surprise, surprise! Tonight’s the night Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey: He used performance-enhancing drugs to win his races.
But wait, there’s more! Here are the pocho ocho other shocking surprise confessions you can expect on tonight’s show:
8. He once pooped in Al Roker’s pants
7. He DID have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky
6. Hasn’t spoken to his father “Stretch” Armstrong in years
Mas…Pocho Ocho Lance Armstrong shocking surprise confessions
Chicago perfumer Zorayda Ortiz was so excited by her Dead of the Dead perfumes that she’s concocted a tamale fragrance as a followup:
It’s the scent of freshly steamed corn tamales, rich with red chile and plump with juicy pork.
The Pochodores discussed this at the weekly Eskype conference Tuesday and all agreed that there is only one thing they want to smell like pork, and it’s not their respective sweeties. But maybe there are worse ideas for perfumes! Here are the pocho ocho other scents:
Mas…Pocho Ocho worst new ‘Latino’ perfume scents after Eau de Tamales
What’s behind the blue door?
While visitors to the Casa Azul Museo Frida Kahlo in Mexico City think they’re viewing a definitive selection of items from Kahlo’s closet that have been hidden for 58 years, POCHO has learned that curators, sensitive to the artist’s legend, have held back some items from public display.
Here are the top eight items you won’t see:
8. Lifetime membership card, Hoop Earrings of the Month Club
7. Photoshop 0.1 beta test DVD
6. Leon Trotsky’s private cellphone number
Mas…Pocho Ocho secret items from Frida Kahlo’s closet *not* on display
Professional Latino authority Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who is not a DREAMer thank you very much, already wrote one book and he has more on the way!
Here’s a peek at his pocho ocho upcoming publishing projects:
8. Selling Out Is Easy — The Five-Step Plan
7. Turn Self-Hatred Into Profits!
6. Cognitive Dissonance for Dummies
Mas…Pocho Ocho upcoming books from Latino authority Ruben Navarrette
Sunday is Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.
Check out the pocho ocho things we found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters:
8. Plastic Baby Jesus
7. One long black hair
6. Homies action figure “Cholo Priest”
Overlooked in the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday frenzy: December 21 was also the end of the Year of the Chancla, one of nine named years in the Mayan calendar. Here are the pocho ocho other next named years:
2013: Year of the Nopal
2014: Year of the Pendleton
2015: Year of the Nalgas
2016: Year of the Chonies
Mas…Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar
Maybe it’s me. I mean no one else gets presents like this, do they? This year, mi cholo got me action figure condoms!
Hard to believe I know, but it’s been worse. Here’s my list of the pocho ocho worst Christmas presents evah:
8. Flan-flavored vodka
7. Wine bra
6. Makeup kit from Rite Aid
San Diego real estate mogul Marc Paskin is looking for love in a very unusual place: A highway billboard overlooking the 28th Street exit of the I-5 freeway. “All I Want for Christmas is a Latina Girlfriend,” reads the giant personal ad that includes an AOL email address for interested “Christmas Latinas.”
This wasn’t the first billboard concept Paskin considered. Here are the Pocho Ocho billboards he rejected:
Mas…UPDATED: San Diego multimillionaire’s Pocho Ocho rejected billboards
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is MISSING. Before you uncork the champagne, and before she comes back from her one-week vanishing, here’s the Pocho Ocho places Jan Brewer COULD BE:
8. At the Rawlings factory getting her skin re-laced
7. In Georgia filming the lead zombie role in “Walking Dead”
6. At a private correctional prison junket to Alcatraz
Mas…Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…
In the wake of the Benghazi attacks, Sen. John McCain still has “many many” unanswered questions. Even after a private meeting with U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Michael Morell, McCain’s thirst for knowledge remains unquenched.
Here are the pocho ocho things he still needs to know:
8. Where is this Ben Ghazi fellow?
7. Who is responsible for this pudding?
6. Why hasn’t Ronald Reagan called me back?
Mas…Pocho Ocho things Senator John McCain still needs to know
Everyone in Politistan is talking about the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” but that’s not the only topographical terror in America’s future. Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho problems ahead:
8. Gay Marriage Hump
7. Entitlement Mountain
6. Wall Street Falls
5. Corporate Gorge
Mas…Pocho Ocho topographical terrors ahead besides the ‘fiscal cliff’
They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.
Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:
8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.
Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’
As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:
8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!
It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad. So as a public service we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to make your Black Friday quest successful, if not totally safe and sane:
8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.
7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.
6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.
Mas…Pocho Ocho tips for a successful if not safe and sane Black Friday
See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight things right here:
8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Fieri’s Tipi
Loser and liar Willard “Mitt” Romney finally got something correct! The overwhelming Latino margin for President Bronco Bama was entirely due to “gifts” the Democrats used as bribes. Here are the top eight:
8. Taco Tuesdays covered by Obamacare
7. Rick Bayless gets full-time gig with Food and Drug Administration (Drug Division)
6. New “path to citizenship:” SuperLotto
Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama
Since the election, all the cool guys want to be Latinos and maybe you do too, Mr. White, Non-Hispanic-American. We understand, but we want to make sure you don’t go overboard. Peep our pocho ocho ways you might be Hispandering:
8. Goodbye iPod, hello maracas
7. Your name is now spelled Bíll Coñnelly
6. You call the guys in your golf foursome “mi gente”
5. You lower your Prius
4. You change your name to Geraldo
3. Lifetime membership in Chest Hair Club for Men
2. Complain “it would be easier if I were Latino”
And the numero uno way you might be Hispandering is…
Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney lost big last night and the finger pointing has begun. Here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho top excuses for the defeat:
8. Donald Trump bad hair day
7. Matlock marathon suppressed old white people vote
6. Cheap imported Chinese binders couldn’t hold the women required for victory
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Republicans think Romney was defeated
We know. It’s tough out there with the idiots and pendejos who are voting for the wrong person. What’s a pocho to do to keep from going totally postal before it’s all over (we hope) tonight?
Here are the Pocho Ocho best ways to chillax:
8. Salma Hayek
7. Fifty Shades of Brown
6. Arpaio Viejo Tequila
Everyone has reasons why you should vote. What are the best reasons not to?
8. That time of the month
7. I have a headache
6. I have to wash my hair
Your mileage may vary, of course, but these costumes will scare the hell out of some people in the neighborhood:
8. Lance Armstrong
7. Jerry Sandusky
6. Sheriff Joe Arpaio
5. Gov. Jan Brewja
8. After generations of risking having your heart cut out when you climb a pyramid, Latinos have inherited a genetic fear of heights.
7. Jumping high and fast? Latinos ride low and slow.
6. That’s Mexican jumping BEANS not Mexican jumping balloons.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t jump from balloons over New Mexico
Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong. Since Dia de La Raza/Columbus Day is Monday, we can’t forget the Pocho Ocho top boners he pulled:
8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him.
7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl.
6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.
With complaints about debate moderator Jim Lehrer’s stupid questions and complete lack of huevos filling the mediascape, we came up with a list of the Pocho Ocho moderators we’d like to see at the next debate:
8. Machete
7. The Wu-Tang Clan
6. Paul Mooney
5. Andrew Dice Clay
Mas…Pocho Ocho moderators we’d like to see at the next debate
With Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 under three months away, time is running out to assemble the emergency survival supplies you’ll need in your underground shelter. [Check our countdown clock in the right column.]
Remember:
Unforeseen dangers and unknown entities will be lurking in your No-Tech Future Hell on Earth (think Mad Max meets the chupacabra), what you have with you will determine whether you live or die.
Aside from rice, beans, water, sanitary supplies and beer (which will also be the means of exchange, i.e., money), these are the pocho ocho top items you need:
-------------- ✂ CLIP & SAVE ✂ --------------
8. Aqua Net
7. VapoRub
6. Switchblade (for him)
5. Chanclas (for her)
Mas…Pocho Ocho must-have Mayan Apocalypse survival kit items
